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Summer Movies That Better Not Be In 3-D!

Time To Put An End To This Nonsense

I’m speechless. Well, I guess the better way to put it is that I’m wordless, but obviously that’s not true as you can see from your continued reading. Maybe it all started with “Avatar,” but I think the final dose of unhappium (a little known mineral found on the planet Hera) came with the release of “Step Up 3-D.” Yes, that’s a dance movie in 3-D. I can get behind a movie like “Piranha 3-D” as the original use of 3-D was in schlock fests like this. I can understand “Jackass 3-D” because I want to see people puking in 3-D. Saw and Harry Potter (whatever number each of them are) make sense as getting an extra three bucks per admission makes good business sense. But, a dance movie? Is this a movie for young Dungeons and Dragons players so that they can see a realistic portrayal of what dancing would be like?

There are only a few 3-D conversions that could be worse. Fortunately, I’ve made the list so that if they are converted, you can avoid them like “The Forbidden Dance.”

Eat Pray Love. Maybe Julia Roberts eating gelato could be really interesting in 3-D; if she was naked and running across a sandy beach with a school of tuna jumping out of the ocean to make a giant rainbow above her, but this isn’t a film for horny, hungry hippies. Love in 3-D would be pretty self-explanatory (porn), however, I cannot think of a way for prayer to be interesting in 3-D without being sacrilegious. (Hint, it involves melting cheese and magical symbolic wafers.)

Almost as bad as this tattoo

Almost as bad as this tattoo

Nanny McPhee Returns. Keep in mind, that this is a kid’s movie. If instead it was an educational film, then 3-D technology could help to really reveal the horrors that are British oral hygiene. After that, they could show kids getting sick due to the awfulness of flying motorcycle food. I’ll be here all week.

Vampires Suck. This “film” comes from the geniuses behind all of the recent “comedies” that end in the word “movie.” As far as I know, 3-D glasses do not make the image on the screen funnier. The 3-D glasses would also need a warning label to caution the wearer against possible eye damage due to banging his head against a wall after spending $18 to watch this.

Going the Distance. When I see Justin Long, I can’t help but think of the PC vs. Mac commercials. Because of that, I think that 3-D technology would make Long’s smugness much worse to watch.

Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps. If there were one actor alive today that I would bet on to appear in the most 3-D movies, it would be Shia LaBeouf. If there is one actor that I want to see die in 3-D, it would be Shia LaBeouf. I’ll pass until that happens.

The Social Network. This movie in 3-D would lead me to believe that the technology for Facebook being in 3-D would not be far behind. I can’t endorse any technology that might lead me to seeing your kids’ baby pictures in 3-D.

I doubt I would have seen any of these movies anyway, but if any of those were actually to get transformed into 3-D, I would be struck wordless. Starting now.

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About Jason McClain Jason is an aspiring novelist, which means there is a lot of time to put off writing and watch baseball or go fly-fishing, hiking and traveling. By "a lot of time", Jason means "procrastination."

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