Fantasy Football Draft Advice
Tis the season to be jolly. Fa, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. Don us now our team apparel. Fa, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. Now we draft our fantasy team. Fa, you get it.
For every sports fan, this is the holiday season. Our long drought of a life without football is over. We can take back Sundays and spend them eating chips and drinking beer for ten hours. It is a birth and rebirth all at once.
To prepare and make that magical moment of the first kick even better, soon we will all draft a fantasy football team. Yes, football is already great, but sometimes we need a little more of a reason to watch a Lions/Rams game besides the love of the game. So, to prepare you for football eve, here is some fantasy drafting advice.
Preparation. I recently talked to a friend that spent hours looking at data and putting it into a bunch of spreadsheets to analyze it for himself and it pretty much just matched the magazine ranks. Lesson? Just like in the real world, it’s better if someone else does all the work that you can take credit for by winning your league. Let someone else spend fifty-five hours preparing while you spend five bucks on a magazine. If it makes you feel better, buy two.
Mock everything. Just to be sure you understand the dynamics of this year’s draft, jump online and do about twenty minutes of a couple of mock drafts just to see what people are doing. Then, when your friends do the same thing at your draft, mock them for being predictable and for that ugly Browns jersey. But don’t mock them for being a Browns fan. They have been mocked enough by life.
Drinks for everyone. The football holiday season is a reason to be generous to your fellow man, just like the ‘real’ Christmas season. Bring a bottle of Patron or maybe Gray Goose to share with your friends. Pour them each a few shots to celebrate this beautiful day. Pour them a couple more. Decline politely if they offer you one. Pour them a few more instead. Watch with joy as they ironically draft Tim Tebow right before collapsing into a hydrangea bush. Just consider the cash spent as an advance on your guaranteed winnings at the end of the season. (Note: Drinks are not to be served to the “marks” of your draft. It would be a waste of good liquor.)
Eat good food. Forget your high blood pressure and other health problems. This is a holiday. Eat burgers. Eat deep fried cheese. Even better, eat deep fried cheeseburgers.
Side bets. Not only is it the eve for football, it is truly the eve for the sports gambling year. To prepare for the NFL and college pick ‘em weekends as well as elimination and survivor pools, you better get in the rhythm of gambling now. Five bucks on which person will be the first to take a Kansas City Chief. Ten bucks on what round someone will someone take an NFC West defense. A dollar on what round the guy that had four shots of Grey Goose will make a sudden beeline for the bathroom.
Always pick a kicker last. When you were in elementary school and playing flag football (tackle football during recess) did you ever pick the short foreign kid to play at any point other than last? Go find your inner child and bring him to the draft when choosing your kickers. As an added bonus, he’ll be able to sniff out if anyone has cooties.
I just enjoyed the first two days of my football Advent calendar (a Street and Smith’s preview and a plate of hot wings) and its only 23 days until the first game of the season. Happy waiting, everyone.
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About Jason McClain Jason is an aspiring novelist, which means there is a lot of time to put off writing and watch baseball or go fly-fishing, hiking and traveling. By "a lot of time", Jason means "procrastination."