The Best Horror Movie Date Movies
I’ve got simple rules for genre movies. Comedies should make me laugh. Thrillers should make me thrilled. Dramas should make me demand attention. In that vein, it should be obvious that horror movies should make me scared shitless.
So then, to find the great horror movies it’s just which horror movies are the scariest. As an added bonus, if they scare you, they’re probably going to scare your girlfriend. If they scare your girlfriend, she’s just going to want to hide in bed all night with you unable to go to sleep. Hmm, what can you do in bed all night if you’re not going to sleep? (For that reason, you will never find a slasher movie on my list – I don’t want to start creating a Pavlovian response of sex with a fear to be killed.)
So, with that in mind, here’s my list for you and your date and you’re welcome for those nights in the future. If I’ve forgotten any, please leave them in the comments.
Why it’s scary: It’s tough to breathe if you swim with your face continually underwater looking for sharks.
How to create the perfect atmosphere: Plan a night trip to the beach, or even easier, to a backyard swimming pool that is not well lit.
What to say before the movie: “I hear global warming is making the earth a better place for ocean alligators and pool sharks.”
Why it’s scary: Half a cup of being stranded with a crazy person, a tablespoon of going through withdrawal and an industrial sized can of peaches is not a recipe for good times.
How to create the perfect atmosphere: Plan a ski vacation and be sure to pack your tennis balls. Invite all the identical twins that you know.
What to say before the movie: “I’ve always wanted to write the great American novel.”
The Blair Witch Project
Why it’s scary: If you’ve ever spent any time in a tent, you’ll know that there are many things that make the leaves
rustle during the night. One could be the Blair Witch.
How to create the perfect atmosphere: Watch the movie the night before you go hiking into the Grand Canyon or the backwoods of Yellowstone Park.
What to say before the movie: “You know, when you’re in a tent, you can’t see anything around you.”
Why it’s scary: Do we really know the people we’ve just met?
How to create the perfect atmosphere: Take a trip to Europe and stay in the finest hostels.
What to say before the movie: “Oh, after we watch this, I know a great party we can go to.”
The Exorcist/The Exorcist III
Why it’s scary: Young girls and old people should not crab walk across the ceiling. It’s just not right.
How to create the perfect atmosphere: Go to church and ask the priest when the last time he performed an exorcism. Wink and nod knowingly at him when he says he hasn’t.
What to say before the movie: “You know that song by Death Cab for Cutie? “I Will Possess Your Heart?” I’ve always taken that very literally.”
Why it’s scary: The difference between an OK Go video and utter destruction of the world is not that big.
How to create the perfect atmosphere: Plan a vacation through the Bermuda Triangle, to a place that has active volcanoes or just North Korea. Think better of it and cancel.
What to say before the movie: “Go ahead and start watching. I’m going to start boiling some water right after opening a window and letting my pet ferret run around.”
Dawn of the Dead
Why it’s scary: Holy shit, I didn’t know zombies could move that fast.
How to create the perfect atmosphere: Go hang out in any mall in front of Sbarros. Watch the multitudes mindlessly enter and eat.
What to say before the movie: “Have I told you that I’m a member of the Tea Party?”
About Jason McClain Jason is an aspiring novelist, which means there is a lot of time to put off writing and watch baseball or go fly-fishing, hiking and traveling. By "a lot of time", Jason means "procrastination."