Last Minute Halloween Costume Ideas
It’s less than a week before Halloween and you still don’t have a costume. Yes, you can go to the costume store and pick up an ape costume or Batman and they’ll look great, but at the end of the night, all you’ll be thinking about is returning the costume and not getting too close to the drunk slutty nurse, who has a particularly unsteady hand holding her strawberry daiquiri which would cost you your deposit if spilled on your costume. Plus, as good as it looks, will it compare to a really original costume?
So, you need a costume that is easy and cool and you need it fast. Here are a few ideas that could work for you.
Get a large piece of white poster board and a piece of plywood. Place the poster board on the plywood and cut out two “screens” on top of each other. In between the “screens” sketch out three buttons, “Report”, “Next”, and “Stop”. Now attach it to your belt so that the top screen shows your face and the bottom screen shows your crotch. You are now Chatroulette. It’s just like anyone’s Chatroulette experience – either a guy’s face or his penis.
For your first play on words, just find the Mr. T costume that you used during your “A-Team,” “Rocky III,” or “D.C. Cab” phases. (If you are too young or too hoity toity to have had any of these phases, then just get a Mr. T wig, a blue jean jacket without sleeves and several gold chains.) Then get a teacup, a tea bag and a protest sign that is misspelled. Voila, you are a Mr. Tea Party member.
Do you have your old Bluntman costume? What about your Silent Bob costume? No? Do you have a fake beard and a black trench coat? Done. Now, just find an old kid’s chair and tape it to your back. Congratulations, you’re Kevin Smith who can’t fit into a seat on Southwest Airlines. Make sure to Twitter all about it.
For the next costume, you’ll have to channel your inner fourth grader working on his science fair project. You need to make yourself into a volcano. (I would give instructions, but if I’ve learned anything from plots involving children in pop culture, every kid has made a volcano for their science fair project except me.) By now, you should see where this is going. However, for the twist, you need to find a bald wig, a really bad toupee and a bushy moustache to match the toupee. Then, because spewing ash at other party guests is messy and rude (and illegal indoors in California) get some confetti. You are now Icelandic volcano Eyjafjallajökull as played by Rip Taylor. Your flight is grounded. Your flight is grounded. Your flight is grounded… (Because of Rip’s appearance in “Jackass 3-D”, we can now move to our next category.)
Basically, you need to figure out how to look like a game piece from Sorry! (I think you just need to construct a holder for a hula-hoop to sit around your waist and then drape streamers from a collar around your neck down to the hula-hoop.) Voila – you are the continually standing top from Inception. The fun part comes from getting people to give you drinks to see if it the top was ever meant to fall over.
Strap a bunch of old toys and trash to your body. Congratulations! You’re now the conveyor belt from Toy Story 3. (For your more sardonic friends, you pull them aside and just say that you are Harrison Ford’s movie career after “Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull,” “Crossing Over,” and “Extraordinary Measures.” Additional note: I’m a sucker, because I still think that “Morning Glory” could be good. Then again, that’s probably because it has Rachael McAdams to gaze upon.)
Get that plywood out again and make yourself a box that has a door that opens with ventilation slits and a metal plate with a number at it’s top. Then stab, punch, claw, scrape and generally beat up that box. Now, you are a Hurt Locker.
With my second play on words, I’m out of here. Good luck on your costumes.
About Jason McClain Jason is an aspiring novelist, which means there is a lot of time to put off writing and watch baseball or go fly-fishing, hiking and traveling. By "a lot of time", Jason means "procrastination."