Friends Or Lovers? Why It’s Not Always So Simple
Let’s say you’ve met someone who you believe to be the perfect girl. She is attractive and warm, enjoys many of the things you do and seems really interested in seeing you again. You exchange numbers. You call or text and arrange a date. By the end of the date and from all that she’s told you, you realize the thing dreaded by most single guys: you are in the friend zone.
She was receptive to your flirtation because she thought you were nice and sweet. She agreed to see you again because she genuinely enjoyed your company. But at the end of the day, she is not attracted to you ‘in that way.’
Hearing some version of this story from a girl you like can be a real let-down. However, take heart. It does not have to be the end of what you had hoped for. It just might be possible for the two of you to go from friends to lovers.
Attraction is not as staid and fixed as it is sometimes portrayed. Sexuality, like all human feeling, is fluid. It is moveable and responds to both the major and minor, internal and external forces of life. If you really like being with her, you should continue to see her. Don’t be deflated when she tells you that she wants to just be friends. Respect her wishes, but pursue the relationship. Remember, only one thing has changed. You still have other things in common, so you should make the most of that.
Her feelings toward you may evolve. A big clue to a possible change of heart is her dating life. Is she dating at all? Are you her only male friend? If she is dating, do they seem to be only first dates? If you notice that you are the only significant man in her life, then it might be the case that she wanted to take things really slow—thus the friendship first policy.
This is not a sign of deceit. A bad break up with a previous boyfriend or a natural reticence to jump into bed straightaway may be the reason why she wanted to be friends first. In any case, it’s important to understand that your relationship with her may transcend the categories of friend and lover. Go into it with an open mind and a ready heart. Things may change in ways that surprise you.
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About Christopher Reid Chris was born in Washington, D.C. and lives in Britain. He works as a blogger, essayist, and novelist. His first book, Tea with Maureen, has just been published.