Casual Sex With Your Ex: A Beginner’s Guide
You were sure it was over. The break-up may have been amicable or testy, but it was definitely final. But maybe you go to the same night spots or have friends in common, or maybe it was a drunken phone call in the middle of the night that led one of you to the other’s apartment. Whatever the circumstances, you found yourself making the beast with two backs with your ex-girlfriend.
Now in my experience this is some of the hottest sex that a man can have. There is something about an arbitrary hook up with an ex that is especially intense. I think it has something to do with getting the best of two worlds: you get the thrill of picking up a complete stranger and the satisfaction of being with someone who knows what you like in bed. A first time fling is likely to lead to a second and a third. And before you know it, you will be having an affair with your ex-girlfriend.
The new arrangement may owe to the fact that it’s convenient for both of you. Dating can be a tiring, time-consuming business. Having the occasional booty call with your ex is an easy way for the both of you to satisfy your physical needs without going through the rituals of dating.
The affair may also be the result of lingering habit. If the reason you broke up had nothing to do with sex, why should you not carry on with that part of the relationship? But here is where things can get tricky. Reviving physical intimacy is likely to re-awaken the emotions that accompanied it. To avoid the shoals that inevitably spring up in such hazardous seas you should guide yourself in the following way:
You should never assume that she interprets the fling in the same way you do. It is important to be honest about what you both want. This doesn’t have to be done straightaway. Indeed, the sex is often best when the fewest words pass between you. However, if you start hearing certain questions such as “when can we see each other again”, or she starts asking you about other women, then it’s probably time to have a serious talk. But before you do so, know what you actually want. If you still have feeling for her but are not sure whether you want to get back together, tell her you prefer not to make plans and commitments and that you want to keep things simple for now. This has the double advantage of being true and of limiting her expectations.
If you are single, then you should act like it. Don’t remain monogamous on account of the affair. It will send mixed signals to her. You should date other women if you want to. How far you take things with them is up to you. The thing is your ex knows your work and social habits. If you are spending every Friday and Saturday night and times in between with her, she will sense that she is the only woman you’re seeing. This may lead her to believe that the affair is going in a direction that, from your perspective, it isn’t.
Your initial night of hot sex was fun. That’s why you both did it. The nights after that promised more of the same. But perhaps you’ve noticed a change of attitude lately. If she has become more demanding or even slipped into moments of passive-aggression, then it is no longer fun. There may be offsets that keep you wanting to see her. However, you should never delude yourself into believing that the affair is still fun when it has long since stop being so.
This may be the hardest thing to do. If you have reached a point where you have essentially re-formed a full blown relationship with all of the problems and tensions you had before, then it is time to make a break. You will probably find this hard for two reasons. The first is that you’ve gotten used to the convenience of the affair. The second reason is that you don’t want to go through the scenes of another break up. However, you should keep in the back of your mind the possibility that you may have to break things off with your ex—permanently.
Post break-up sex is wonderful, exciting, invigorating, and sizzling hot. A post break-up affair, however, is another matter. If you want to have casual sex with your ex, then you should know what you’re getting into. You should be fair to yourself and to her by being clear, honest, and reasonable about what to expect from one another.
About Christopher Reid Chris was born in Washington, D.C. and lives in Britain. He works as a blogger, essayist, and novelist. His first book, Tea with Maureen, has just been published.