Are You Too Possessive?
Most men cannot help being a little possessive. We like to know what is ours, and we go through great efforts to keep and defend it. Though a relationship should be between two independent individuals, as a man you will experience the sentiment of possessiveness. This is a phenomenon that is widely felt but little talked about. It’s not an emotion that a man living in the twenty first century ought to have. It is nevertheless as natural as an erection or palpitations or any of the other physical affects you might have when around your girl. The question you must ask yourself is: are you too possessive?
Do you insist on knowing where your girl is every moment of the day? Do you send her texts every minute while she’s out with friends? Have you tried to stop her from going to clubs or insisted on coming along? Do you insert yourself into the conversation whenever she’s talking to another guy? Do you upbraid her for every rumor you hear about her being with another man? If you’ve answered yes to any of these questions, you are probably too possessive.
Although it is futile to suppress this impulse, you can control it. You cannot sustain a relationship while allowing such an emotion to run wild. If you don’t control it, you will eventually drive her away or push yourself to doing something outrageous.
The most effective means of regulating your sense of possessiveness is to cultivate the feeling of trust. If you’re in a steady and committed relationship, then you both made a choice: to be monogamous and faithful towards one another in all parts of your life. There is, of course, no guarantee that things will actually turn out this way. All you have to go on is a promise—a kind of unspoken oath that neither one of you will deceive or betray the other. You must uphold your end of the bargain and trust that she will do the same.
Another way to control your possessiveness is to keep a life of your own. Your friendships with other people should not end when you enter into a relationship. In fact, such friendships become even more important. There will be times when you need advice and support to get through rough patches, and it is useful to be able to speak with those you know and trust. In any case, if your girl is out with her friends and you are at home brooding all by yourself it is inevitable that your thoughts will turn to all kinds of fantastical notions.
Your possessiveness may also be the result of her actions. This is a touchy subject, but it is one that should be dealt with honestly. Sometimes she will, either consciously or unconsciously, seek to wind you up if she knows you’re prone to jealousy. She may wear exceptionally revealing or tight clothes when she goes out, or flirt with other men in your presence. A lot of this has to do with that perverse side of human nature that cannot help but dole out bits of cruelty to those we love. You no doubt know how to push her buttons and have probably done so on a number of occasions. Anyhow, if you notice her behaving in such a fashion the best response is to ignore it: don’t say a word, not a peep, don’t even look twice in her direction. A shade of indifference on your part will produce more moderation on her part.
It is difficult to mitigate your feelings of possessiveness. Working through them requires an effort to keep as free and lively a life and temper as you can.
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About Christopher Reid Chris was born in Washington, D.C. and lives in Britain. He works as a blogger, essayist, and novelist. His first book, Tea with Maureen, has just been published.