Why You Shouldn’t Worry About A First Date Spark
You rated the date one of your worst ever. You and the girl you pined for finally went out to dinner. The conversation was slow and stilted. She was not into you at all. At times she even seemed bored. There was, in other words, no first date spark.
The idea of a first date spark has caused many a budding relationship to fold prematurely. Most people accept instant attraction as a necessary and sufficient condition for seeing someone again. The trouble is there is no basis for believing that everything will turn out perfectly—however you define that—on your first romantic outing with a relative stranger.
Yes, there is such a thing as love at first sight. I know it because I’ve experienced it. It does not follow, however, that every first date that does not produce intense feelings of joy, happiness, and satisfaction—the first date spark—should be dismissed as a bad one, and that the girl you’re interested in should be cut loose and never called again.
The word “spark” suggests a quick-burning fuse—an immediate and spontaneous passion. It may be the case that the feeling between you and a girl you take out is more of a slow-burning fire: that the two of you must begin with a calm familiarity that over time builds up to the kind of explosive intimacy you seek.
Some women are naturally reserved. Your next first date may be someone who does not readily show her feelings. What may appear to you as coldness may in fact come down to old fashion modesty. Indeed, she may try to keep the conversation casual and the subject-matter light as a means of reducing the pressure on you both. Rather than take this as a sign of rejection you should see it as an attempt, on her part, to be natural. Match her in this effort. Talk about ordinary and simple things. Focus on keeping expectations at a normal level. Doing so will ease her nerves to the point at which she will feel comfortable with you.
You should also avoid reading too much into the fact that she does not make a lot of eye contact. Some girls are shy like that. Instead of keeping you square and steady in her sights she may opt for frequent long glances—especially when she thinks you’re not looking. This is the shy girl’s way of demonstrating her interest.
Further proof that your date has the potential to be a slow-burner is that the two of you have similar speaking styles. This amounts to more than the kinds of pronouns you each employ (she may be more of a “we”, “us”, and “I” woman, whereas you are more of an “it”, “they”, and “them” man). You must also consider her diction. Enunciation, good pronunciation, and correct word usage are signs that she is an educated woman. If you are an educated man, then there already exists a bond between you. This has nothing to do with snobbery or elitism. Individuals whose minds have been shaped by the discipline of a higher education are more likely to feel at ease in each other’s company.
In fact, the latter condition may explain why sparks don’t fly on the first date. The more cerebral your date the less simple-hearted she is likely to be. Just because she doesn’t fall all over you doesn’t mean she’s stuck up. It only means she is careful, choosy, and discriminating. The more of you she sees the more open she will be towards you.
The bottom line is that you shouldn’t allow high—and probably unrealistic—first date expectations to cost you a second and third date with a great girl. There are many paths to romance and sex. They do not all have to begin with a first date spark. Going out and having civilized, pleasant, and stress-free conversation over a nice meal may be the first step towards a hot and ever-burning passion.
About Christopher Reid Chris was born in Washington, D.C. and lives in Britain. He works as a blogger, essayist, and novelist. His first book, Tea with Maureen, has just been published.