I recieved this newsletter today from Derek Vitalio. This one though, deals with conversations. Conversations are something I tend to get stuck on. With some girls they just flow, other girls it seems like its just constant dead air.
I’m not much of a gabber and generally hate small talk. This newsletter deals with those issues a bit. I was actually out with a girl last night and I found myself going back and forth withboring stories about our jobs or friends. I stopped myself in the middle and decided I wanted to take the conversation into a different direction and I waited for her to say something that could be interpretted as silly. As soon as she did I turned it around on her and jumped all over it. She ate it up. Its funny how they love to be made fun of. Anyway here is the newsletter.
Â Best Conversations with Women
Most of us have endured some silences in our relations with women we wish hadnâ€™t happened. Well, first, you donâ€™t have to be scared of silences, because they can be helpful. And second, there are ways to get a sparkling conversation going from next to ZERO material.
Letâ€™s Take a Moment to Look Left
Brief related tangent time: one question I get asked a lot is â€œWhat should I talk about?â€
Sure, now you know HOW youâ€™re supposed to talk, but so many guys get stuck on WHAT to talk about. After all, those dead silences are murder for attraction, right?
First off, not so fast bad-mouthing silence. More on that later.
Second, it REALLY doesnâ€™t matter WHAT you talk about, so long as you make it interesting. Iâ€™ve said this again and again, but let me stress it now: you can talk about ANYTHING and itâ€™ll be ok.
You can tell a date her butt looks HUGE in that dress. Say it right and she wonâ€™t walk out or slap you, sheâ€™ll laugh.
You can wonder aloud whether postal workers get high on stamp glue.
You can go on for half an hour about the off-color corner of that rare Elvis stamp you have framed on your wallâ€¦ well, ok, maybe not that one. If you talk at length about certified punchline hobbies, you might be in trouble.
Unless youâ€™re making fun of them, of course.
Can stupid stuff work? You betcha.
But seriously, this isnâ€™t rocket science. This isnâ€™t even high school science, despite how often the word â€œchemistryâ€ gets bandied about.
When I was still studying these skills, some of my â€œnaturalâ€ friends would tell me lines theyâ€™d used with great success. I didnâ€™t believe it. The things they related to me sounded soâ€¦ DUMB, I couldnâ€™t fathom an attractive intelligent woman would go for them.
Then I saw these guys in action. Sure, I could HEAR the stupidity of some of the lines â€“ the corniness, the transparency, the if-this-were-in-a-Bond-movie-Iâ€™d-groan-now quality to them.
Still, they worked. I had new respect for groaners in Bond movies.
The key was ALL in the nonverbal delivery, as weâ€™ve talked about at length.
Ok, so now that Iâ€™ve hopefully reminded you not to worry too much about the actual content, let me add sometimes you donâ€™t need content AT ALL.
The Golden Silence is as good as the Golden Tongue
Strange, eh? I have one friend who isnâ€™t a gabber, who doesnâ€™t like to partake in anything CLOSE to small talk. And when heâ€™s out with women, there are numerous silences.
And it WORKS. Why? Because heâ€™s comfortable with it.
Listen, reality is all about perception. If youâ€™re scared of awkward silences, they become awkward. If you arenâ€™t, the silences become NATURAL. And that kind of thing stinks of relaxed confidence.
When youâ€™re relaxed and comfortable enough to let a silence come and it DOESNâ€™T BUG YOU, it communicates all sorts of positive things. Relaxed Confidence. Real (no games). Uh, we need a new word here, not gravity, but the opposite of frivolity. But while staying playful. Weâ€™ll call it gravolity.
To be clear, donâ€™t overdo this. If you never say anything, well, youâ€™re just boring. But donâ€™t be scared of the occasional silence, or letting the lady start a topic and playing with it. (My silent friend does this all the time â€“ and pretty soon, the women are starting all sorts of conversations and heâ€™s viewed as fascinating because theyâ€™re talking about things they like to talk about. Who started the conversation never really enters into their head.)
(Hey, by the way, did you know that psychological studies say that the person who is LEAST comfortable with silence in a group â€“ and hence breaks it â€“ is almost always the MOST insecure? Still want to fill every last second of air time?)
Silence is nice, butâ€¦ letâ€™s talk
Still, sometimes you will find yourself in need of something to talk about. And your mind will be blank. You know the time for conversation is here â€“ but youâ€™re clueless how to start it.
Well, this is one of the reasons I recommend avoiding dinners and traditional dates, and prefer shared activities. Especially in fun cool areas. Who needs to worry about conversation when thereâ€™s a man on a leash walking in front of you on the sidewalk, or a shop window with a dismembered mannequin head smeared with lipstick wearing a Ronald McDonald wig and a sign saying â€œLove me?â€
If you canâ€™t think of anything to say in stimulating areas, then youâ€™re just not trying. Or youâ€™re freaking â€“ in which case you need to use one of your relaxation triggers to get yourself CALM and able to THINK.
Come on, some of our granddaddies kept their heads with the enemy shooting at them. You can do it with an attractive lady.
But you canâ€™t ALWAYS be in a Greenwich Village knockoff. Sometimes you need to come up with topics all by your lonesome, right?
Wrong. See, the definition of conversation is you have to have at least two people. And that dynamic helps a lot.
Having the conversation SHE wants, every time
Lets borrow a trick from sales, where the seller needs to establish a friendly connection quickly. How do they do it?
They listen for key words in statements they hear. And you can do the same. One simple sentence from your favorite lady can lead to a nightâ€™s worth of dialogue.
â€œNo, Iâ€™m not. Or were you offering? I barely know you, and already you bring psychotropic drugs into our relationship? Wow, you are one crazy chick.â€
(She should be laughing, if you delivered it right and she isnâ€™t a nun.) â€œNo, I donâ€™t do drugs on a first date!â€ (key word: take your pick, drugs or date)
â€œOh, but on the second you jump right in? Youâ€™ve said two things, and they both relate to illicit substances. Get your mind out of the gutter and learn to enjoy life clean too.â€ (Then order her a beer).
See whatâ€™s going on? Just pick a key word from her conversation, and riff off it. The above doesnâ€™t apply because itâ€™s too early in your duologue, but even within a few minutes of talking to ANYONE youâ€™ll hear them use keywords that are important to THEM for whatever reason. Hook onto those and sheâ€™ll think youâ€™re the greatest conversationalist ever â€“ because all you talk about is what interests HER.
â€œThat dog smells like a Thai sewer.â€ (key word: Thai)
â€œAnd how would you know? When were you in Thailand?â€
â€œLast month, actually. Itâ€™s insane!â€ (key word: insane)
â€œAnd thatâ€™s what attracted you about it? You wanted to find others as crazy as you are?â€
â€œNo! I went to get my scuba diving certification.â€ (key word(s): scuba diving, and you have a topic for the next 15 minutes that you KNOW she wants to talk about).
Pretty easy, eh? In fact, itâ€™s so easy, Iâ€™m going to make your homework nice and simple. Go out and have five conversations where you cue the other person off their keywords.
Have five more where you NEVER start a topic, and see how the silence feels, bearing in mind that you are SEEKING it.
Finally, pick five interesting eclectic spots near you, and go for a walk in them. Just comment in your head on what you see.
Thatâ€™s it. Enjoy your new expression of personal wit and get out there and impress some ladies with it. Youâ€™re ready.
If you really want to take your conversation skills to the next level, check out in in depth, the step by step process contained in my newest ebook, The Blueprint: A Linear Breakdown Of Seduction. The process of seduction is broken down into a workable, easy to learn linear system that REALLY works.
Do girls leave you confused as to whether or not they like you?
Let's face it. Girl's don't make it easy for you. She will often send mixed signals leaving you unable to tell if she is being friendly or flirty. If you read her signals wrong you risk rejection and embarrassment. Or worse, you blow it with a girl who wanted to kiss you.
Here is a simple and innocent move that will instantly tell you if you're in the friend zone, or if she's waiting for you to kiss her.
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About MikeStoute Michael Stoute here, and at your service. I am a writer/editor/lover and a fighter. My words are weapons of wisdom so watch out, you may learn something...or better yet, maybe you can teach me something! Have a question? Please try to leave it in the comments, it will get a faster response than an email. Otherwise, Email Me