Getting Laid at Holiday Parties
A great OAP issue from Mystery.
1. How to use MM at Holiday Parties
2. Transitions from A1 to A2
1. Holiday Parties
Holiday and New Year’s parties are a great time to meet women. There are a lot of social occasions going on, and single women especially can feel lonely at this time of year. It’s one of those seasons when barriers are down a bit, friends introduce friends to each other, and everyone tries to have a good time.
But be careful!
A lot of guys who aren’t experienced with the Mystery Method try to duplicate their successes in bars, coffee shops, and clubs in the same way at private parties. Don’t do this!
For example, if you’re at a party where everyone knows at least one person in common, even if it’s just the host, canned opinion openers in A1 may lower your status. Extreme peacocking is also often out of place. Also watch for over-negging and re-using material
Details? Let’s compare a club to a friendly party.
Clubs: The opener is designed to “get you in the door” and into the A2 phase, without triggering many women’s automatic responses to some male stranger initiating a conversation. Thus, by starting a conversation with a canned opener like “Did you guys see the fight outside?” you bypass that switch and are in a conversation before she/they even realize it.
In contrast, “Hi I’m Francis” makes her think about whether she wants to talk to me. It may still work if she’s friendly, thinks I’m cute, is lonely or bored, or is attracted to a guy with enough courage to approach her. However, in the back of her mind, she is already ‘screening’. Not good.
Parties: At a party where people always have people in common, everyone is expected to meet strangers. That’s the point of a private party. So if I start with, “Hi, I’m Francis”, I’ll get “Hi, I’m Julie” and after a few seconds to give the conversation some momentum (establishing who we now in common, commenting on the great view, introducing your friend, or whatever), you can start with A2 without activating her screening reflex.
Starting in mid-conversation with “Hey, who lies more, men or women?” may initiate a conversation, but in the back of her mind she’ll be wondering why I didn’t introduce myself and follow social conventions. Do I not know anyone at the party and am afraid to be found out? Am I just rude? Do I lack social skills? Of course, you don’t want her thinking about any of these things.
The Social Matrix
Clubs: If you fail with the first couple of women you talk to, it’s not the end of the world. Find another part of the club, and, with luck, no one saw it. Even if you bomb an entire club, there are more clubs. You’ll never see these people again. So you can take risks.
Parties: If you fail with a girl or a group, KNOW that everyone else saw it. In fact, anything you do while in a conversation will be reported. For example, let’s say that you start the night by talking for 10 minutes to Tanya and Peter [random names for this example]. Later that night you meet Sarah – and things go great for an hour or so. At some point, it’s inevitable that Tanya and Sarah will end up talking, and you will come up in conversation. If you did something socially awkward in the first conversation (like say I tried to insult Peter, to try impress Tanya), Sarah will find out about it. This would kill your chances with Sarah, since she will now perceive you as horny, or desperate, or lacking in social skills, or someone else’s rejection. Worse still, because Tanya showed that you have low value, if Sarah pursued anything with you, she’d lose value in Tanya’s eyes (and all of Tanya’s friends) as well. Women are incredibly sensitive to this. On the other hand, if Tanya and Peter liked you, they will tell Sarah, and the opposite will happen. You’ll get the girl. Let’s make sure you get the girl.
So, be a lot more careful at parties. Get along with people. Have fun. Make friends. If you spot an opportunity, go for it, but don’t act like you would in a club.
Clubs: Establishing social proof is vitally important. At a club, a woman knows nothing about you. At most clubs, even losers can get in if they bribe the bouncer or come really early or wait forever. So, to her, you could still be anything from a loser to a celebrity. Having woman on your arm and being the center of attention is central to club game. We’ve covered this in the OAP already.
In a party: At a private party, you have social proof. If Sarah (the girl from the previous example) is friends with Kelly, who is throwing the party, and you’re friends with Kelly, then you already have lots of value. Being too obvious in demonstrating more value will feel out of place to her, or social awkward, or make you come across as insecure or fake.
Moreover, there’s an opportunity here! Let’s say you’re single, Sarah is single, and Kelly respects you as a friend. You can then ask Kelly about Sarah. [That, by the way, is the way to do it. Keep the screening frame, even with mutual friends. Don’t say “I like Sarah”. Say “I was talking to your friend Sarah for a while; where do you know her from?” People will understand what you mean]. Ask her what she’s like. If Kelly thinks you’d be a good match – remember, especially over the holidays, people love setting their friends up – then she may do all of the work for you. Next thing you know, Kelly and her boyfriend might invite both and Sarah to a concert together. You’ll get the girl.
2. Transitions from A1 to A2
Some guys have trouble moving from A1 to A2. They feel weird going from a conversation that began with “Hey, do you think my friend’s shirt makes him look gay?” to a routine that begins with “So, check this out, my sister got arrested today for shopping! Well, she was trying on this skirt, and then forgot she had it on and was looking at other stuff, and she realized she was late, so she ran out, straight into security! So, then . . .”
This is because men have logical minds. We touched on this briefly in OAP 2. We expect things to be linear, and thoughts to be connected. If I suddenly started writing in the middle of this paragraph about how I feel when I see the new Nike ad on TV, you, as a reader, would be confused and maybe a bit annoyed. This conversation we’re having is about attracting women, not TV.
If I were talking to a woman, she might have that feeling for confusion for a second or two, but if she is entertained, she will forget about it. Her emotions of interest, happiness, curiosity, suspense, laughter, whatever it is will be infinitely stronger than her desire to think things like “stop right there Francis. You were asking me about your friend’s shirt and now all of a sudden you’re talking about TV ads. What is up with THAT?”
If she DOES say something like “what does this have to do with your friend’s shirt?” it means that your story about the Nike ad, or your sister, or whatever, was not sufficiently interesting or engaging to capture her attention. The first 10-15 seconds of your transition piece are crucial (like the opener). If you don’t hold her attention, you’re fighting uphill.
YOU LITERALLY DO NOT NEED TO HAVE A TRANSITION
You do not need to say “yeah, my friend bought this shirt from Nordstrom’s. You know what’s funny, my sister was there last week and she told me she got arrested, because . . .” Most of the time, it’s hard to find a good transition on the spot, and a bad one will leave you looking awkward.
JUST GO STRAIGHT INTO YOUR STORY
Now, if you want some crutches, I’ll give you some. Instead of jumping straight into your first A2 story, try putting one of those phrases in first:
“That reminds me . . .”
“That’s just like when . . .” (even if your new story has nothing to do with the old one)
” I was just on the phone with my friend, and he/she said . . .”
You get the idea. Do that a couple of times and then get rid of the crutches. You don’t need them.
Here’s a more advanced tactic. If you’re running an opener that isn’t getting any traction or getting you into the conversation, and get the intuition that jumping into A2 will feel out of place, then RUN ANOTHER OPENER.
Here’s an example:
Francis: Hey guys! [loudly]
Francis: Did you guys see the fight outside? There were two girls, like not even 5 minutes ago, going at it, and . . .
Girls: [interrupting] We don’t care. Fighting is stupid
[At this point, the opener is dead, and the door is not yet open to jump into A2. So I run another opener]
Francis: Hey, settle this one for us. If a guy is drunk and calls his girlfriend and tells her for the first time that he loves her, does this count?
Girls: I don’t know, how long have they been going out?
Francis: About 3 months or so, but the weird thing about them is, I kind of set them up, so I feel responsible. The girl, Jessica, was my secretary for a while, and the guy used to play in my band, so I want it to work, you know?
[Notice the subtle demonstrations of value. I have a wide social circle. I am important enough to have a secretary. I am creative and interesting enough to have a band. I care about people around me and their happiness and set them up. Etc.]
Girls: Yeah, totally
Francis: Hey, that reminds me. My sister got arrested for shopping today! You’ll never believe this. She was at Nordstrom’s, and . . . [look, ma, I’m in A2!]
Sweet. Try this the next time your first opener doesn’t work. Don’t hesitate — that will kill you. Just do it.
For more of the Mystery Method click here.
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About Bobby Rio I'm Bobby Rio, one of the founders of TSB. I tend to write about what is on my mind so you'll find a mix of self development, social dynamics and dating articles/experiences. For a collection of some of my favorite articles check them out.