Should You Pay For Dates?
Below is a newsletter I got from Mystery. As everyone who reads this site knows I am a huge fan of everything he puts out. This newsletter is no different. There are different views on who pays for dates and this should help some of you decide for yourself.
1. Who pays for drinks and dates ?
A lot of guys seem to be confused about the “money” aspect of dating. Should you buy a girl a drink? Should you pay for a date? Should you take her somewhere super expensive? What if you are rich? What if you are poor?
There is a lot of bad information floating around the internet on this. This is kind of strange, because this isn’t all that complicated.
Let’s start with some basic principles first. We’ll call this the Four Don’ts.
1. Never make a girl feel like you are trying to win her over with money or things money can buy.
This implies that you have nothing else going for you, and that you think of dating as a money-for-sex transaction. Most women don’t like to feel like a prostitute.
2. Never let a girl ?use you for money or feel that she can do so.
She may be testing you to see if you are willing to stand up to her. If you give in, she’ll think you are weak or have nothing going for you other than money.
3. Never use money to try to impress a girl.
Guys have already tried that on her, and its tactless. Don’t hide the fact that you are successful, if you are, but let things speak for themselves. If you pick her up in a nice car, well, you picked her up in a nice car. But don’t hang around a coffee shop talking about how great your Ferrari is.
4. Never make a situation socially weird by adhering too strictly to any of the first 3 rules
If you keep these in mind, the answers to common questions become obvious. All of these questions have been asked by bootcamp students on bootcamps that I have personally been teaching.
Q. Should I buy a woman a drink?
A. Yes. It’s a common, it’s polite, and it’s social convention. If you’re sitting at a bar with a woman you just met, and you order a drink, ask her what she’s drinking and buy it for her. Don’t make it a big deal. There’s no way that drawing attention to the fact that you’ve paid $10 for her drink is going to help you. You’re avoiding a negative situation, not creating a positive one.
Q. Okay, then. So I can go up to women and offer to buy them a drink?
A. Noooooooo. This is not at all acceptable. You have infinitely better ways of attracting a woman than spending $10 on alcohol for her. In the previous example, you’re in a position where failure to offer her a drink would create social awkwardness and a negative situation (Rule #4). Going up to her and deliberately creating a situation where money is in play violates Rule #1, Rule #2, and Rule #3. Congratulations, you hit the jackpot.
Q. What if she says buy me a drink or asks me to buy her a drink?
A. Don’t. She’s testing you. However, there is no real way to win when you get to this situation. Mystery has come up with some good lines to deal with this in the past, but once you’ve hit this situation, it’s not good. Try to avoid this situation coming up.
Q. What if she tries to order drinks for her friends on your tab?
A. Again, no. It’s not an accident. Some women like to see what they can get men to do for them and their friends. It’s a sport for some women to see what they can get away with. At the last Special Bootcamp in Las Vegas, I saw Sinn and Savoy teach students how to get women they just met go get OTHER guys to buy them drinks for them. (That’s the great think about Special Bootcamps…all of the best guys in the world are there). I have to admit, it was kind of funny seeing men buy women drinks that they then brought back to the Mystery Method tables.
Q. What if I’m sitting at a table with friends and have bottle service and she wants a drink?
A. Of course. Don’t be stupid. You have a bottle. It’s one drink. But don’t let her use you. If she’s clearly not interested in you and not useful for social proof, cut her off. If she only comes back to your table for drinks and then disappears, cut her off. If she brings lots of friends to your table who only want drinks, cut them off. But if you have three girls each having three drinks, deal with it. You didn’t get a table and bottle service to be cheap.
Q. Should I pay for the first date?
A. In general, yes, but you have to use your judgment here. If your first date is a 5-star restaurant, she’ll feel that this is too much. She’ll wonder whether you think that spending all this money on her makes you think you are entitled to sleep with her or whether you are so lonely that you’re going all out for a woman you barely met. Anyway, what on earth are you doing taking her to dinner for the first date? If you’ve been reading the OAP, you know better than this. Either way, dates have to involve money there are lots of great day2s that are free.
Q. OK, so I’m paying for the first date. All of it? What if she offers to pay?
A. Judgment call again. In general, if she offers to pay, let her pay for something. Some women will feel devalidated if you absolutely refuse to let her pay for anything. In addition, paying for something is a small investment in you, and you do want her to be invested. However, you can still play the gentleman or the leader. If I’m taking a woman to, say, a comedy club, I might pay for the drinks, but if she offers to split the tab, I’ll tell her she can buy me desert after. This allows me to skip the trap of she offered but maybe she didn’t really mean it, allows me to still be the man who can take care of her, does not devalidate her contribution to the evening, and also implies a further location bounce. I’ve also used this formula to set up another meet. I’ll pay for this, and next week you can take me to that wine bar you were telling me about.
Q. What if she never offers to pay for anything?
A. This depends on you. Whether women offer to pay usually depends on how she was raised. Some women expect men to pay for everything and others don’t. Not all of the women in the first group are users. In many cultures, it would be even rude for the woman to offer to pay? it would be like implying that the man doesn’t have money. As for me, I personally don’t care. On the first couple of dates, we’re not talking about large sums of money. After I meet someone one or two times, I can tell if they are a gold digger anyway, and in that I’m not spending that much money or driving a fancy car, most gold diggers will disappear on their own initiative. Thus, I don’t especially care if she doesn’t offer to pay for things at first. Top Mystery Method instructors disagree on this; it’s a matter of preference.
Q. What if I do care? I don’t want to be with a woman who expects me to pay.
A. Then don’t date her. Don’t compromise on your principles. Seek out women who share your view. At least in North America, many women do. In this respect, as in many others, many women won’t meet your standards. Part of the point of the Mystery Method is that you will be so attractive that you are choosing the women you like, not vice versa. So if you don’t like something, address it or move on.
Q. What if she suggests going somewhere really expensive?
A. Gold digger alert. Women don’t suggest dates, especially not early on. If you meet a woman at a bar, you’ve already got your day2 plan lined up, right? (If not, you need to review old OAPs). Even if you don’t have a plan, and say something weak like that you’d like to see her again sometime, most women will not come back with I’d love to see you again; why don’t you take me to the White Caviar Lounge?. If she does, she’s a gold digger or she’s testing you. Avoid.
To wrap this up, in general your best strategy is to try to minimize the impact of money, at least until your game is super-advanced and you can avoid the millions of traps that exist. Don’t draw attention to money. If you have it, let it speak for itself; if you don’t, plan around it.
These are the things you want to keep in mind when deciding who should pay for the date? ?Don’t get hung up on who pays for the date, instead, simply pay, and concentrate on making the entire date as good as possible.
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About Bobby Rio I'm Bobby Rio, one of the founders of TSB. I tend to write about what is on my mind so you'll find a mix of self development, social dynamics and dating articles/experiences. For a collection of some of my favorite articles check them out.