Get Her Talking in The I
This is part of an online course from Juggler that I signed up for.
It has some useful stuff so I thought Id post it here.
Better Conversations by Juggler
Last time we talked about effective escalation. We learned that
this is made possible by showing interest in a woman based on her
unique self. This means that she MUST reveal her unique self.
If she does not, then you CANNOT and SHOULD NOT escalate. But
the problem is that a woman does not like to reveal her unique
self to a stranger.
So how do you get her to reveal her unique self?
By not being a stranger. Read the following statements and
decide which one you would prefer to say.
1. “Sydney is a great town. The people are friendly and there
are beautiful views of the water everywhere.”
2. “You would love Sydney. The people walk right up to you and
say hi. And you can see water wherever you go.”
3. “I liked Sydney. I talked with people on the Manly ferry
everyday. And wherever I walked I could see and feel the water.”
Those were written in three different conversational
perspectives. These perspectives are known as…
1. The ‘God’ perspective. This perspective is associated with
judgments of reality as if you were a god floating on the clouds,
looking down and passing judgment upon the world.
2. The ‘You’ perspective. This perspective is associated with
telling the other person how they should feel. Many well-meaning
people talk in the ‘You’ perspective as an attempt to relate to
the other person. But this perspective is confusing; it is too
much about the other person, and can actually make someone feel
argumentative when they don’t agree with how you tell them they
When talking with a strange women most guys will habitually use
one of these first two perspectives. That is because those
perspectives feel safer to our subconscious. We have acquired
the habit of keeping OUR unique-self tucked away behind language.
The problem is that these two perspectives make us a stranger.
Women are hesitant to reveal their unique selves to a stranger.
3. The ‘I’ perspective. Our moms were wrong. Sometimes talking
about ourselves is the proper thing to do. That is because a
woman feels comfortable revealing her unique self to someone who
also reveals their unique self. Talking from the ‘I’ perspective
is how not-to-be a stranger.
Using the ‘I’ perspective lends itself towards narratives.
Conversation which is engaging is like a good movie or an
engrossing book. It works best when there is a main character
that your listener can identify with. When you use the ‘I’
perspective your main character is you. All you need do is throw
in an honest feeling or two and you are making engaging
conversation that will let a woman feel comfortable enough to
share her unique self.
Guy: “Hi, how are you?”
Guy: “Yeah me too. Yesterday I was like a seven but today I feel
like an eight. So what have you done that is fun today?”
Girl: “Not that much really. I just talked to my nieces.”
Guy: “That could be fun. I have three nieces myself. I’m proud
to say that they treat me as their monkey bars. Its tough
traveling and not seeing them as often as I would like but my
niece who is six has been writing emails.”
Girl: “Really? At six?”
Guy: “Oh yes, she is a much better writer than I am. She gets
all the dangling participles in the right place.” (she laughs)
“So tell me about you?”
Girl: “What would you like to know?”
Guy: “A secret that you have never shared with anyone else.”
Girl: “Well, I don’t know about that.”
Guy: “Okay, I’ll go first. I’m afraid of clowns. Big clowns,
small clowns, any kind of clowns.”
Girl: “Why is that?
Guy: “First tell me your secret.”
Girl: “Okay, sometimes in the shower I pretend I’m an opera
Guy: “What do you sing?”
Girl: “Verdi mostly but sometimes…”
Many guys only get this half right. They tell stories about
something or someone other than themselves. They believe the
reason for speaking in narrative format is to hold a woman’s
attention or to demonstrate some sort of value. They talk about
their possessions or accomplishments, other people or things.
That means their stories are about things outside of themselves.
That misses the point of speaking in a narrative style.
Storytelling is meant to help a listener identify with you as the
character of your stories. When that happens she sees you as a
person with hopes and feelings just like her. You stop being a
stranger and start being someone with whom she is familiar and
comfortable. You tell your story so that she can tell hers. A
good conversation with a woman is really only about two things –
you and her with each of you talking in your ‘I’ perspectives.
Exercise: When I was in high school speech class the teacher
would ask us students to get up and speak in front of the class
impromptu on a random subject chosen from the dictionary. I was
never very good at this. “Wayne, your word is nectarines.” This
was hard. I stumbled out a few words, “Nectarines are sweet.”
And then I spent the rest of my time examined the ceiling. I am
still not very good at this. But ask me to relate an anecdote
about me that somehow begins by relating to Nectarines and I can
talk all day.
I have chosen five topics that are likely to arise during your
conversations with strange women. Talk for two minutes about
yourself beginning with how you relate to each item on the list.
Try to put some feeling into it and talk in narrative style. I
want people to be able to vision what you are saying. Go through
them a few times. Relating your unique-self is a skill like any
other, it needs practice.
Your favorite food
What you do for fun
You can visibly see someone relax when you use the ‘I’ word.
They begin to feel as if they know you.
All the best,
Wayne ‘Juggler’ Elise
About MikeStoute Michael Stoute here, and at your service. I am a writer/editor/lover and a fighter. My words are weapons of wisdom so watch out, you may learn something...or better yet, maybe you can teach me something! Have a question? Please try to leave it in the comments, it will get a faster response than an email. Otherwise, Email Me