How to Control Your Emotions Around Women
This is an article from David DeAngelo. It is all about the idea of maintaining composure around women. This is so important because women really judge you on your ability to appear in control even when you are not.
Curb Your Emotions Around Women by David DeAngeloÂ
ONE MISTAKE ALMOST ALL MEN MAKE WITH WOMEN… AND WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT…
There is one critical mistake that almost all men make with the women that they’re REALLY attracted to.
This particular mistake is at the root of so many different problems that men run into, that the topic probably deserves a book to be written about it alone.
That mistake is allowing yourself to become OVERLY EMOTIONAL around a woman at the wrong time and screwing up the great situation that you have, by revealing the fact that you’re out of control.
When most of us guys see an attractive woman that we’d like to meet, we FREAK OUT, become very nervous, and literally become IMMOBILIZED.
This is a case of not being able to control your EMOTIONS.
When most of us guys have the phone in hand, and we’re getting ready to call a girl to ask her out, we FREAK OUT, and again, we become so nervous that we’re IMMOBILIZED.
This is another case of not being able to control your emotions.
When most of us guys think that it might be time to KISS a girl, we FREAK OUT.
When a woman won’t call back, we get upset.
When a woman tests us by challenging something we say, we become nervous and unsure.
The point I’m making here is that if you allow yourself to become TOO emotional in situations with women, it will screw you up. Guaranteed.
It’s happened to all of us many times, and it’s a UNIVERSAL experience.
But wait a minute.
Emotions are GOOD THINGS, aren’t they?
Aren’t emotions the thing that allow us to really ENJOY life?
And isn’t it wrong to try to “control how you feel”? Isn’t it better to just “be who you are” and not try to beat yourself up because you feel a certain way?
Have you ever heard a woman (or a man) say “I can’t help the way I feel”…?
We all have.
We even have TERMS that we use to describe when we’re overly upset and just need to “get it out”. We call it “venting” and such.
The implication here is that in our modern 21st century society, it’s OK to be upset, to get emotional, and to show how you feel…
But is this always true?
TWO KINDS OF EMOTIONS
I think that emotions come in “two flavors”.
There are those that you could consider “positive” emotions or those based in “joy”, and there are “negative” emotions or those based in “fear”.
In other words, there are the emotions that make you “feel good” and emotions that make you “feel bad”.
In addition, we all know that emotions aren’t like on/off switches.
In other words, when you feel an emotion, you usually feel an AMOUNT of it. Maybe it’s just a little, or maybe it’s very strong.
But the reality is that when an emotion starts to become too strong, it literally TAKES OVER your mind and body.
In some situations, this can be a very powerful POSITIVE thing for a person.
Imagine your favorite musician or actor giving a world-class performance… you can literally FEEL the emotions they’re feeling. It can be an amazing experience when they allow their emotions to take over.
But it can also be a very powerful NEGATIVE thing as well.
Like when you’re looking across the room at a beautiful woman you’d like to talk to and you become so nervous that you make yourself sick.
Emotions can actually CONTROL you.
And when an emotion becomes so strong that it actually DOES “take over”, you’re out of control.
Strong emotions also create strong MEMORIES.
We tend to remember things better if we were feeling a strong emotion when they happened.
I can remember so many situations where I was too nervous to talk to a girl, or too nervous to ask her out, or whatever.
I can remember situations TWENTY YEARS AGO vividly… where I was so nervous in the situation that the emotion burned the image into my mind.
When this kind of thing happens a lot (like it has with me), it starts to make a “feedback loop”. In other words, most of the strong memories I had about women were situations where I SCREWED UP… so I had less and less confidence as the years went by.
Give me a little silent nod here if you know what I’m talking about.
CONTROLLING YOUR EMOTIONS
I’m sure you’ve already figured out that I’m going to suggest that you learn how to control your emotions in situations with women.
Let me talk for a moment about the reasons WHY it’s important to do this.
Remember, when it comes to ATTRACTION, all of the “normal” rules change.
You have to stop thinking about what you’ve learned about being a “nice guy” and realize that a woman’s ATTRACTION isn’t triggered by you being “nice”.
So I have TWO good reasons why you need to learn how to control your emotions around women:
1) If your emotions take control early on, you probably won’t even be able to talk to her, call her, or ask her out. You’ll just be too freaked out to even make your first move.
2) Women aren’t ATTRACTED to guys who let their emotions control them all the time. This is ESPECIALLY true when the guy acts like a WUSSY.
We talked about the first reason already.
Let’s talk about the second one.
Why don’t women like guys who are overly- emotional Wussies?
Because women NEVER feel ATTRACTION for men that they can CONTROL.
The more control a woman has over you, the less ATTRACTION she feels for you.
The less of a CHALLENGE you are, and the more PREDICTABLE you become, the less ATTRACTION she feels. It’s very simple.
To put it another way; if you’re the type of guy who lets his emotions TAKE OVER, then you need to learn how to control them.
If you don’t, you’re going to have a VERY hard time succeeding with women.
THE FIRST STEP…
I think that the first step in learning how to control your STRONG emotions is to realize how they’re triggered.
Most strong emotions are TRIGGERED.
Something happens that “pushes a button” inside of you and BAM!… the emotion happens before you even have a chance to think about it.
But the fact is that these “triggers” have a structure to them.
There are all kinds of little things that happen during that “trigger”.
One of the biggest insights that I’ve had about these “triggers” is that they’re usually caused by making something that happens MEAN something.
In other words, it’s not the actual situation itself that “pulls the trigger” or “pushes the button”… it’s what you think it MEANS.
For instance, let’s say that you’ve met a cute girl, gotten her number, and called her on the phone… she wasn’t home, so you left a message for her.
She doesn’t call back.
What do we, as guys, usually think?
“Maybe she doesn’t like me. Maybe she has a boyfriend. Maybe she’s trying to avoid me. If I call her again, maybe she’ll reject me.”
In other words, we make the fact that she didn’t call back MEAN all these different things.
Another HUGE insight I’ve had in this area is that us guys allow our imaginations to take over and imagine the WORST possible outcomes of situations.
Then we get nervous about that outcome happening and we FREAK.
For instance… have you ever seen a girl that you wanted to approach… but all you could imagine was her REJECTING you?
Or you were with a woman on a date, and you wanted to kiss her… and all you could imagine was her getting upset or pushing you away?
Don’t worry, we all do it.
The point is that most of us guys use our minds to imagine the WORST possible outcomes for situations… and it pushes all the wrong buttons, and gets us all nervous and upset… which, of course, makes us screw everything up.
When it comes to women, it’s important that you lose the need to make everything MEAN something… and STOP imagining the worst.
Think about those situations when a woman doesn’t call you back… or plays hard to get.
As guys, we immediately start to wonder where she is… what she’s doing… and who she’s with.
We make up pictures in our minds of her out with other guys, doing fun things without us, etc. and we let it upset us.
This is the kind of thing that makes us do all KINDS of stupid, Wussy things that scare women away… like calling 100 times a day, asking where she was and what she was doing, etc.
Instead, start doing yourself a favor and:
1) Imagining the BEST possible outcome.
2) Making things mean something GOOD.
If she doesn’t call you back, imagine that she probably didn’t get the message (maybe her roommate erased it), and make it mean that when she finally DOES hear from you, she’s going to be even MORE interested because it took you so long to call her.
If she plays hard to get, realize that she’s only doing that because she REALLY likes you… and that it’s almost inevitable that you’re going to get together with her.
Does this stuff sound strange?
Well, I’ll tell you something…
All of the guys I know who are the BEST with women think this way. This is how their minds operate.
I used to be VERY negative. I thought that every situation was going to go wrong, and that everything women did meant that they somehow didn’t like me.
It’s taken me awhile, but I’ve changed my own thinking so it’s now more positive and optimistic.
And guess what?
Now women are FAR more attracted to me.
In fact, it’s almost like magic. The more I expect things to go well, the better they go. Try it, it works.
Also, start noticing those particular things and situations that trigger your “overpowering” emotions.
Learn to spot the signs that it’s about to happen, and then learn how to keep yourself cool, calm, and collected.
If you can learn how to do this, your success with women will improve DRAMATICALLY.
Now, this is just the tip of the iceberg, so to speak.
It’s also important to learn how to improve your self image, overcome FEAR, maintain your physical composure, and communicate using your body language… so that you’re successful in each situation with women.
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About David DeAngelo David DeAngelo is the author of Double Your Dating, and the creator of programs like Advanced Dating Techniques. He has spent the last 15 years educating men on how to improve their dating life, self confidence, and inner game. You can read 22 of his David DeAngelo's best articles here.