How To Get Past A Woman’s “Defenses”
Below is a long but interesting David DeAngelo article about getting through women’s defenses. I don’t usually post a lot from David because I feel often he is more interested in pushing his product of the week than giving useful advice. But I think this article has some good stuff in it. I also think that David’s ebook Double Your Dating is one of the best out there for the low price!
Breaking Through Women’s Defenses by David DeAngelo
Here’s an interesting story…
A few hours ago I was standing in a “posh” bar in San Francisco.
I was standing near to the bar, looking around at the people, when the guy next to me starts talking to a girl that he doesn’t know.
She turned and looked at him with a look that said “I don’t know you, I don’t want to talk to you, and you have no chance with me”.
The look on her face couldn’t have been more clear. As soon as he started talking to her, she put up her defenses.
The more he tried to talk to her, the more annoyed she got.
It was painful to watch.
Then things got REALLY interesting.
The guy turned to me and started making conversation with me.
He asked me how I was “doing” with the ladies at the bar.
I told him that I had just arrived, and I wasn’t particularly in the mood to talk to women at the moment… I was just enjoying my drink and relaxing.
He then started to talk about how “meeting women was a numbers game” and how he had been “laying rap” on women all night… but he didn’t have any “luck” so far.
We started discussing our different approaches to meeting women.
I told him that when I decide to talk to a woman that I really find attractive, I am confident that I’ll be successful with her.
He kind of laughed and told me that meeting women was a game of luck, and if you wanted to win, you had to just keep playing the numbers… and hope you find one that likes you.
Right at that moment, two cute women walked up to the bar. One of them was very hot. He looked at the hotter girl, pointed to her, and said “I like that”.
I said “Well then go talk to her”.
He decided to go “order a drink” (in other words, he was going to go up to the bar and FAKE like he was there to order a drink, and then “accidentally” start a conversation with her).
Of course, he already HAD a drink, so he fumbled around trying to find a place to put it down so he could walk up to the bar with no drink and not look like he was “on the make”.
It was pretty damn funny.
Anyway, he squeezes in next to this girl, and tries to act like he’s just there to get a drink. He then turns to her, and tries to start a conversation.
What happened? Of course…
Her defenses went up INSTANTLY.
She said a few words to him, but then turned away from him, took her drink and her friend, and walked away from the bar.
He came back over to me and made no comment about the interaction with her…
I watched him try to talk to more women after that… all with the same result.
Their defenses went up AS SOON as he started talking to them.
This guy’s theory of “talking to a lot of women until you get lucky and find one who likes you” was working pretty well…
Except for the fact that he WASN’T getting “lucky” at all, and NO women liked him….
One of the problems he had was not understanding this thing that I call “Sexual Communication”.
HITTING THE WALL
Have you ever been in a situation talking to a girl, and you could just FEEL that she had her “defenses up”?
Or have you ever been out on a date with a woman, and had a bad feeling in your GUT about the situation… and no matter what you did, the situation only got worse, and she seemed to get further away from you?
If you’re like me, then you’ve been in a LOT of these situations.
In fact, I think it’s happened to me so many times that I have “female defense radar”. It’s like I can tell INSTANTLY if a woman has her defenses up… and it doesn’t feel GOOD.
You’ve been there… one minute everything is OK, and the next minute she has flipped on some kind of force-field that is PERMANENT.
You know what I’m talking about…
And once the defenses are up, it’s as if she has become a DIFFERENT person. And trying to make it better, only makes it worse.
That’s called HITTING THE WALL.
And once you hit it, there’s no bouncing back.
A WOMAN’S DEFENSES, AND HOW THEY WORK
So what’s up with that?
Why do women have this “defense mechanism”?
What triggers it?
And how can we, as guys, get past it?
Well, the reality is that a woman’s defense mechanism is something that PROTECTS her. It saves her time. And it saves her headaches and hassles.
You’ve heard me say that attractive women are approached ALL THE TIME by men. In one way or another, an attractive woman is CONSTANTLY approached and pursued by men.
Women can’t afford to spend even a FRACTION of their time with every guy who shows interest, so they use “time management” techniques.
How 21st century of them.
One of these “time management techniques” is their defense mechanism.
If a girl decides that she isn’t interested in being with a particular guy… and it doesn’t matter if it’s within the first five seconds or the first five months… the mechanism kicks in.
It creates an invisible wall that protects her. You can feel it. She can feel it. And even though neither of you can see it, you both know that it’s more powerful than a real wall… because most men don’t know how to get PAST it.
I know that you’ve thought about this issue at some point. If you’re like me, you’ve thought about it a LOT. Maybe even obsessively. Maybe you have even schemed and tortured yourself trying to figure out the magic way to get past a woman’s defenses…
Are you with me here?
A NEW WAY OF LOOKING AT THINGS…
What if I were to tell you that YOU are the one who actually controls her defense mechanism?
And what if I were to tell you that all this time, YOU’RE THE ONE who’s been causing women to put up their defenses, and shut you out?
And what if I told you that looking for the magic way to “get past her defenses” was really a waste of time?
What if I told you instead that the ULTIMATE way to “get past” her defenses was to NEVER CAUSE HER TO PUT THEM UP in the first place.
See, the reality is that her defenses are a RESPONSE or a REACTION to something YOU are doing. YOU are the one who’s doing things that kick off the sequence of events.
In fact, if you think of it from this particular perspective, you’ll realize that you REALLY ARE controlling her defense mechanisms.
BACK TO MY STORY…
Shortly after his “bad luck” episodes, the guy I was talking to in the bar walked away from me.
I stood at the bar thinking of what he had just said and done… and how so many guys I’ve met think the same way.
Right then, a woman asked me if I’d move over a little bit so she could order a drink.
I said “sure”, and turned sideways so she could squeeze in next to me.
At first, I turned my back to her.
After a minute or two, I turned back around, and started talking to her and her friends.
I was teasing them and making fun, and generally being a pain in the ass.
There were a total of four girls there together, and I was talking to three of them.
I turned my attention to the quietest of the three, and started teasing her.
I asked her why she was so quiet, teasing her about it, etc.
Every time I asked her a question or said something, she either shook her head “no” or nodded her head “yes”.
Finally, she held up her left hand and proudly displayed her wedding ring.
She said “I’m married”.
I laughed at her and said “Wow, good for you. I guess if I was trying to pick up on you I’d be pretty upset right now… but I’m not, so you don’t have anything to worry about”.
Now, the REALITY of the situation was that I was NOT trying to “pick up on her”.
She was the least attractive woman in the group, and her personality was about as interesting as a mule’s.
Her friends heard me say this to her, and they turned and looked at me with wide eyes.
They couldn’t believe that I had just said that to their friend, and they could tell that I was being VERY serious, and that I could care less what she thought of me.
I went on talking to these four girls for the rest of the night… about another hour or so.
I mixed up the conversation.
Sometimes I talked to one of them… sometimes two… sometimes three… sometimes all four.
I teased them all, busted on them, called them all kinds of freaky-chick names, and generally acted like they were my four, bratty little sisters that annoyed me… but who I still loved (a little).
By the end of the evening, I was sitting on a little couch with three of the girls.
At this point, there were almost NO women left at this bar. I’d say the guy/girl ratio was about 6 or 7 to 1.
I could see about 30 guys standing around me, and maybe 5 or 6 women. And I had 3 of those 5 or 6 on the couch next to me.
At one point, two of them were on either side of me MASSAGING me at the same time. It was funny.
Of course RIGHT AT THAT MOMENT the guy from earlier walked by, stopped, and looked at me. The look of shock in his eyes was priceless. He didn’t even say hi… he just walked away.
The evening ended with two of the girls kissing me, and one of them getting my number because she was going to be in my area in a few weeks and wanted to see me…
Let’s get down to the point…
The reason why I was so successful with these particular women was because I didn’t do what every other guy that they ran into did…
I didn’t trigger their DEFENSE MECHANISMS.
They had time to get to know me… they had time to get comfortable with me… and I had time to spark all kinds of sexual tension and attraction with them.
Now let me tell you how I did it…
WHAT TRIGGERS A WOMAN’S DEFENSE MECHANISM… AND HOW TO AVOID IT
I’m about to give you a VERY important insight into how women interact with men.
Pay close attention to this. It’s taken me a LONG time to figure this out…
Women are VERY perceptive.
They know what a guy is thinking by looking at his body language, and listening to his voice tone.
Some experts estimate that women are as much as TEN TIMES better than men at reading body language.
To most women, men are an OPEN BOOK.
Guys have no idea just how obvious they are…
And there’s one particular thing that triggers a woman’s defense mechanism faster than a chubby kid eats cake…
It’s SEEKING APPROVAL.
In every situation with a woman, you can say WHATEVER you want to say in a way that either:
1) Seeks her approval
2) Doesn’t seek her approval
Think about it.
You’re either SEEKING APPROVAL… or you’re NOT…
And most guys ARE when they’re talking to a woman that they’re interested in.
As I watched the guy in the bar walk up to women and try to start conversations all night, the ONE thing that was obvious to all that had the eyes to see, was that he wanted APPROVAL.
He wanted the women to LIKE him.
I guarantee you that this man was an honest- to-goodness certifiable WUSSY… and every woman that he tried to talk to could SMELL it on him.
On the other hand, when I talk to a woman, I avoid seeking approval.
I make it clear, no matter what I’m saying or doing, that it doesn’t matter whether or not she likes me… I could care less.
The more I made it clear to the women I was talking to, that I DIDN’T need their approval, the more they LIKED ME.
If you want to get past a woman’s defenses, the best plan of action is to NOT TRIGGER them IN THE FIRST PLACE.
Now, the reality of this situation is that some women are walking around with their defenses already up. Maybe they’re married, or maybe they’re angry at men… or maybe they’re just very shy.
We live in the real world, and this is part of it.
But in most situations YOU are the one who triggers the defenses. It’s YOU.
I have several friends who I’ve watched interacting with women MANY, MANY times… and these particular guys RARELY, if EVER get the “defensive” cold shoulder from women.
Because they’re not seeking approval. They’re just doing what they want, and being themselves.
If you can spend an hour talking to a woman, and not seek her approval the entire time, you stand a DRAMATICALLY better chance of taking things to the next level with her.
That simple demonstration of showing her a full hour of non-approval-seeking behavior and communication will separate you from 99% of all the guys that have approached her in her life.
And the best part about this particular technique is that it’s NOT MANIPULATION. In fact, seeking approval is far more manipulative than what I’m saying here.
In fact, one of the reasons why women don’t like a guy who seek approval, is because they INSTANTLY sense that the guy is using a MANIPULATIVE tactic.
If you think through the situations that you’ve been in with women, you realize that this is the case.
So stop seeking women’s approval when you meet them.
Learn how to say things in a way that clearly communicates that you don’t need her to like you or approve of you.
Then learn how to be Cocky & Funny.
When you can make a woman laugh while you’re NOT seeking her approval, you have a powerful combination that sparks ATTRACTION.
Which leads me to the VERY BEST way of all to “get past a woman’s defenses”.
MAKE HER FEEL ATTRACTION FOR YOU.
If a woman feels a powerful ATTRACTION for you, then the kinds of defenses that we’re talking about here don’t even come into play.
Attraction is such a powerful physical and emotional response that it temporarily disables a woman’s defense mechanisms…
It’s the one thing, if you know how to do it, that women WISH you would trigger inside of them.
Once a woman starts to feel that magical emotional and physical response called ATTRACTION, the entire situation changes, and you start having the kinds of success with women that most men only dream about.
And most women go through life WISHING, HOPING, AND DREAMING that they will someday find a man that can make them feel this amazing feeling…
That man should be you.
And what’s the best way for you to learn how to trigger this magical response that we’re talking about here?
I thought you’d never ask…
The best way to learn is to invest in the programs that I’ve created to TEACH you this stuff.
Start with my book “Double Your Dating”. It will take you through the basics… and teach you my main concepts, theories, and techniques… very quickly. You can download it right now and be reading it within a few minutes. Get it here:
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About David DeAngelo David DeAngelo is the author of Double Your Dating, and the creator of programs like Advanced Dating Techniques. He has spent the last 15 years educating men on how to improve their dating life, self confidence, and inner game. You can read 22 of his David DeAngelo's best articles here.