Here is a long but worth reading Stephen Nash article on getting rid of that seed of doubt that is always lurking in your mind. If don’t already own his ebook “How to get a girlfriend” i suggest you check it out.
Get rid of your insecurities by Stephen Nash
What I’d like to do today is discuss with you briefly this highly
confusing concept that I refer to over and over in our products and
programs, and on the website (and articles all over the internet),
what I mean by “Security”, and WHY it is that that is so critical.
I guess it was a few years ago during the Project Hollywood
experiment that me and many of the guys began to realize that, what
we felt was “neediness” was a big problem, and that what that did
was just drive the women we were interested in AWAY from us. And
this had been a problem my whole life and, I imagine, everyone’s
life who experiences that. It wasn’t just isolated to Project
Hollywood; it had been a lifelong challenge.
So, what does that mean?
Well, INSECURITY – let’s use that word and let’s begin with that as
a formation for this discussion.
Insecurity is really when I look towards things outside of myself
to PROVIDE ME Security, and by nature the things that I seek for
security are not within the realm of my control.
So, if I place the Hopes of MY Security and Happiness and
Validation – these are all words that are different but in this
context they are all interchangeable – If I seek Validation from
women, from money, from the weather, from what apartment I get on
my apartment search, to my career, to my family…
…If my sense of security, if my sense of value as a human being, IF
that rests upon things that are outside of my control – if they are
in the hands of, in this case, a woman’s approval of me, I WILL BE
INSECURE, I will absolutely be insecure. That is not something I
can control. And what invariably happens, the ultimate irony, is
that when I do that and I begin to “like someone… like a woman”,
and I am unconsciously seeking validation and approval from her;
the PRESSURE that that applies to her, she will subconsciously, or
maybe consciously, realize ‘Wait a second, something’s up with this
guy.. There’s a little more riding on this than I am comfortable
with’. She WILL pull away, it is absolutely biological, it is human
nature for that to happen.
If you’re seeking security from a female, if you’re seeking a sense
of self-worth, if you’re seeking a sense of your own value and its
in the hands of a woman you’re dating and that you’re interested
in, you will push her away – because that is too much pressure,
that is too much responsibility on her.
So, what is the REMEDY for this?
Well, the Pick Up Artist remedy for that is to get five girls… or
learn how to get another one!
It’s not really a solution – that’s a band-aid at best.
The real solution is to put my own sense of security into my own
hands. How can I then manage that, how can I control it – And
control is a very deadly word, because there’s very little that we
can control in this world – but how can I be the Governor of my own
Security, my own sense of Self Worth and Value. In a religious
context this would mean how do I find a greater sense of spiritual
connection, but really for our purposes, the word that I use is
Autonomy means that I am self-governing. It means that I am living
my life. I am not living the life that my father wanted for me or
that my mother wanted for me, or that I think the women want me to
be, or that my friends feel I should be [etc]. I am living the life
that I want for myself based on what I want and what I need. That’s
Autonomy is the state of being where I am living my life, for
myself, based on what I want and what I need.
So what do you need?
Well, you need shelter, food, clothing, income, you need these
things; health, you need a connection with your family, I think. I
think that encourages health and balance in a man’s life. He needs
a career; he needs a vision for that.
Most importantly he needs a purpose. What’s the meaning of your life?
I mean I could talk for hours on that. The question I’ll ask you
though in this brief context here is that what do you feel you need
to do before you die, so that WHEN you die you feel that your life
has been COMPLETE.
All of these elements are things that we go into in our products
and programs. We discuss them in great length, and give exercises
and guidance, not only my own guidance but others’ fully expert
guidance, on how to tap into purpose, how to tap into what’s right
for me career wise.
Because really, when it comes down to dating and being active with
women and being interested in healthy relationships, I HAVE TO HAVE
a healthy relationship with myself first.
If I put, if that is, anywhere but number one on my list, I am
screwed, because my relationship with myself will automatically
translate to my relationships with other people. So if my
relationship with myself is unhealthy, my relationships with other
people will be unhealthy. And in fact, the more important those
relationships are with other people, the less healthy they will be!
I hope that’s clear.
So, when I’m talking about security, I’m talking about Autonomy: My
sense of value, my sense of self worth – I am the governor of that.
I don’t need somebody to say ‘Yes’ to me for me to feel good. I
don’t need for someone to say ‘I will spend time with you’ in order
for me to feel Valued.
I therefore, give that to myself.
One thing that I can pass along to you is something that I was
introduced to recently. It’s actually a person, named John Goddard.
John Goddard, when he was 15, made a list of 127 things he wanted
to do before he died, and this is fascinating, and his story is
extraordinary. He’s a public speaker who clearly has an
extraordinary wealth of things to say.
But, for our purposes, of those 127, he has completed 109. That’s
over 3, 4 or 5 weeks ago, so maybe it’s 110, I don’t know, but,
he’s completed 109 out of 127, and the list is extraordinary, you
could Google him tonight – John Goddard, and you’ll come up with a
list, you’ll see his list.
Well, on the road to Autonomy, I encourage you; make your list. And
start doing the things that you want to do.
Start living the life that you feel you want to live.
Because what’s interesting, and in my research with clients, has
been that many men put off their life until they “get this women
thing handled” until they get a girlfriend, ’til they get a sense
that they can meet people, ’til they have a wife – whatever your
goal is with that – their life is on hold until that happens.
And my message to you is to REVERSE THAT. Take your life OFF of
HOLD. Stop that. Start DOING the things that you WANT to do.
Certainly do the things that you need to do, but START DOING the
things you WANT to DO; If you want to learn French, START taking
French classes; if you want to go to the Himalayas, START planning
that; if you want to build a career in, say, Finance, look into
getting your MBA.
TAKE ACTION in other words.
You’ll be amazed what happens to you when you start to take
VIGOROUS, FOCUSED ACTION in the Direction of the things that you
REALLY want for yourself. And you’ll find that through that
process, women will be absolutely magnetized to you! Because you
will represent to them what they so thirst for from Man.
…And that is SECURITY.
You will no longer be insecure because your power will be in your
OWN hands. That’s the GOAL.
If you enjoyed these articles I would recommend picking up a copy of his book How to Get a Girlfriend. He goes much further into these concepts… and of course gives away many secrets he’s been holding out on in the free articles.
About Bobby Rio I'm Bobby Rio, one of the founders of TSB. I tend to write about what is on my mind so you'll find a mix of self development, social dynamics and dating articles/experiences. For a collection of some of my favorite articles check them out.