Cliff’s List Newsletter 6/30/2007
I really enjoy recieving these Cliff’s List newsletters. They really contain good information and cover members of the community that aren’t as famous as guys like Mystery, Strauss, DeAngelo, and Jeffries. But these guys have some important stuff to say… So I suggest taking a look below…
Scot McKay, X & Y Communications (http://tinyurl.com/2m93nd):GETTING “BEAT BY A GIRL”There’s a lot of talk about “approach anxiety”, and for good reason.
It has been optimistically estimated that over 80% of all men are
terrified of approaching att ractive women they have ever met. And
let’s face it: without overcoming this fear it’s all but impossible
for a man to experience any success whatsoever in meeting great
women, let alone att racting and keeping them.
Most of the information I’ve read on the subject centers around
teaching men to sack up and “get over it”, using any manner of Jedi
mind tricks designed to help us “deal with rejection”, “visualize
success”, use “indirect openers”, etc. But I’ve read relatively
little on the subject that dives beyond the surface of the issue.
Most of us are or were at some point in our lives afraid to approach
women. Instead of being given a pep talk, I’d rather know WHY we as
men are almost universally affected by this, and HOW we fell into
this trap. From that position of understanding, it makes sense that
we can better figure how to dig ourselves out.
And it is absolutely a trap. It’s an irrational fear for a man to
be “afraid” of women. After all, most of us as men are not
catatonic basket cases sucking our thumbs in a fetal position
when it comes to other aspects of our lives. We play football
in high school. We go downhill mountain biking, surf hurricanes,
get concealed weapon licenses, street race muscle cars, ask
customers for high-dollar sales orders, train pit bulls, get
full-sleeve tattoos, do third-gear wheelies on GSXR-1000s and
remove offending garden snakes from backyard sheds. Some of us
even DAYDREAM about things like making high-pressure 20-foot putts
for birdie on the 18th green at Augusta National.
Yet, we cannot bring ourselves to go talk to an interesting woman at
a bar, an airport or even in our own dormitory at college.
To further underscore how bizarre this phenomenon gets, I remember
running with a crowd primarily composed of United States Marines
back when I lived in Yuma, Arizona. We’d park our sport bikes
somewhere to grab a bite, see an att ractive woman and NOT ONE
OF US would talk to her. We’re talking about guys who had
VOLUNTEERED to risk their lives for this country, and furthermore
had just finished a pavement blistering canyon run five minutes
What is going on here?
Here it is: it’s not the WOMEN themselves we are afraid of. It’s
our own egos that hamstring us. Allow me to elaborate.
We as men are competitive beings. When we’re out with our buddies
it’s one contest after another. That’s all well and good, and we
like it that way. But deep in the soul of every man is a mortal
repulsion against getting “beat by a girl”. Whether women like it,
understand it, think it’s silly and/or can deal with it is actually
irrelevant. It’s a fact. The archetypal shame associated with it
is wired into our XY genetic code.
Remember back in sixth grade when the girls were maturing and the
boys were, well…still looking like little boys? Remember in gym
class how some of the girls could run faster and throw harder? It
was a drag, wasn’t it? When we as guys got older that problem took
care of itself for the most part…except in two notable areas: the
business world and, of course, the dating world.
In the business world women are going to get promotions and ascend
to positions of power with or without any input from YOU in
particular. If a woman “beats” you in that arena, you can either
accept it and stick around or find another job.
But dating is another story. The “competition” is mano-a-mano when
it comes to approaching a woman. And THAT, my brethren, is where
we as men let our egos betray us. We tend to see approaching women
as a COMPETITION. If you or I approach a woman with this mindset,
we believe someone is going to WIN and someone is going to LOSE.
If she REJECTS us, we lose and we’ve been “beaten by a girl”! And
even if we DO get a smile and a phone number, if she doesn’t answer
the phone when we call her we STILL are getting “beat by a girl”.
Given this situation, it’s a no-brainer to see why most men don’t
even bother to talk to women AT ALL. The risks to ones psychological
well being are just too great. Getting “beat by a girl” is more
painful than crashing and burning anywhere else.
So what’s the solution?
The discussions I’ve heard about reframing the approach so as to
involve a QUALIFICATION PROCESS are the closest to hitting the mark.
Our problem as guys typically is that we’ve PRE-QUALIFIED women
before we’ve even met them based on their looks and/or how they
appear to handle themselves from afar. Having already decided we
like a woman before even meeting her, theinsidious “contest” is on.
Instead of approaching women with our approval already sewn up, we
need to start putting women to the test in the same manner they
famously test us.
Men are typically the CHASERS and women the CHOOSERS in this
society as a result of how men tend to view this stuff. Men who
deserve what they want and who refuse to “settle” need to start
raising the bar, refusing to offer up immediate approval to women
we meet until they have proven to be as att ractive AFTER we meet
them as they were BEFORE we met them. Women instinctively evaluate
us when we approach them, as we know all too well. It’s time for us
to start doing the same which we have every right to do as fellow
And look what happens in that case. The “competition” factor has
magically been lifted from the scenario. If we haven’t yet reached
our own conclusions when we approach a woman, she really can’t
“reject” us…or “beat” us, as it were. She can only pass or fail
our own evaluation process. And as any man who conducts himself
with dignity and refuses to “settle” knows, women who are rude
and/or quick to dismiss us thereby fail the qualification process.
The principle at play is much the same as when a pushy or otherwise
socially inept man fails a woman’s test…as well it should be.
It’s as simple as that.
Simple, maybe, but not easy. It may take some time to unlearn the
poisonous habit of seeing the approach as a competition. But the
fact remains that we as men have the power to view things in the
more sober context of mutual evaluation rather than “winning” or
“losing”. In doing so we overcome THE major contributor to
“approach anxiety”. And I assure you the effort is well worth it.
Strangely enough, the women will even appreciate you MORE as a
After all, women love real men.
Christian Hudson (http://siteFwd.com/D7D):
Here are two different, easy-as-they-come openers:
A.) “Excuse me… what’s your name?”
B.) “Excuse me… what’s your name?”
Sadly, in this email, we’re limited to what can be conveyed by text
on a page. But there’s actually a huge difference between A and B
up there. It’s in the vibe the energy that flows from a man who
knows how to make a woman feel like a woman. So while “A” gets
shut down instantly, “B” opens up conversations like a doorman at
the Four Seasons.
This energy, this vibe of a cool guy what is it?
His vibe is masculine. Women know they’re talking to a man and not
a boy. He looks at her directly, for a few moments too long. He
doesn’t hide his physical att raction, but rather makes her feel
like her feminine radiance is a gift.
His vibe is warm. A woman feels comfortable talking with him, and
it brings a smile to her face to think of him. He doesn’t hide the
fact that he’s happy to be around her.
His vibe conveys strength. A woman can imagine herself wrapped in
his arms on a sofa over the holidays. He isn’t confrontational,
but he’s comfortable being challenged. He knows who he is and what
he will accept.
His vibe is positive. He sees the best in people, and lifts them
up. He sees the bright side of every situation and accentuates it.
Life makes him smile and little things make him laugh.
His vibe is sensitive. He knows when to push someone away, but
more importantly, he knows when to pull them back in. He’s
probably hurt others and has been hurt, but he still opens his
heart to those who deserve it.
His vibe is smooth. He is neither too hot nor too cold. A woman
doesn’t feel overwhelmed by his energy or feel like she’s doing him
a favor by talking to him, but she also doesn’t feel like he’s
constantly judging her or closing himself off.
GETTING THE VIBE
I’ve been working with Sebastian Drake from theApproach, and he and
I were discussing some of the successes and failures of past
clients of ours. One of the things that stood out to us was that
guys who had the right attitude coming into a weekend boot camp
almost always did well. They were positive yet masculine, and most
importantly, they liked women. The clients who had the hardest
time usually had some degree of resentment towards women, or saw
them as a different species entirely.
Once a guy’s heart is in the right place, his words and his
movements begin to flow with the right energy. A lot has been made
of complicated techniques and att raction algorithms, but watch any
natural and you’ll see that his “game” relies largely on the energy
and vibe he emanates. Boring conversation topics become lively,
and a simple smile and eye contact go a long way.
Men spend a lot of time focusing on techniques, which makes sense
on a practical level. As guys, we tend to think that input X
yields output Y, so we learn a set of techniques that we believe
will lead to a desired outcome. But working on a positive vibe
isn’t about technique so much as it is mindset. Sebastian and I
have spent a lot of time talking about a guy’s focus what he’s
thinking about when he goes out to meet women, and we’ve talked
extensively with the most successful guys we know. Would you
believe that technique gets about 10% of a socially successful
man’s conscious attention in a given evening? The majority of his
attention is focused on, well, being social and having fun.
Ultimately, “Excuse me… what’s your name?” should work for any man
with the right strength, warmth and smile. And believe me, its
much easier than memorizing a routine! A good vibe is not just a
technique it is part of a life and a lifestyle.
Getting Past LJBF
Let’s Just Be Friends. Is there a more dreaded phrase in the
English language? Maybe “25 to Life” or “IRS Audit,” but I’ve
never heard either of those myself.
I recently got involved with a very nice co-ed at the local
university. I spent quite a bit of time with her before she
dropped the LJBF bomb. I could list the many mistakes I
made with this relationship, but you wouldn’t learn anything from
that. Here’s what I did to get out of LJBF hell.
First, I got annoyed and I let her know it. I asked her what she
was doing at my house at 3 AM if that’s all she wanted, why she
called me so much, got dressed up to see me, sat on my lap, etc. I
told her that I liked her a lot and wasn’t interested in just being
friends. “I’ve got lots of friends already,” I said, “that’s not
what I’m looking for.” Although I was annoyed, I was careful not
to insult her or say anything unfair.
Following the traditional advice for LJBF (a 6 month absence), I
pretty much ignored her after that. She felt badly and wanted to
know that I wasn’t angry with her. She wanted me to tell her that
it was okay that we were just friends. I refused to do that. I
would only respond to her calls and messages with really short
texts (when I responded at all). After a couple weeks, she left me
a message saying she missed me and wanted me to be a part of her
life (as a friend, I assumed). I agreed to meet her at a sports
bar to watch a game with some mutual friends.
I showed up late to the game and spent almost the entire night
talking to other people and having as much fun as I could without
her. I was pleasant with her, but not very friendly. I said
hello, sat with her for a few minutes, and then excused myself. I
left soon after the game.
The next week, I was out with a mutual friend of hers (a guy). My
target called him and wanted to meet (I had already refused an
invitation from her). Would we come meet them? “No way,” I said.
“If they want to meet, tell them to come here.” And so they did.
When they arrived, I spent about an hour flirting with her friend,
who really responded to my jokes and escalation. Both girls got
pretty drunk. When my target wanted to use the bathroom, I
jokingly asked if she needed me to hold her hand. “Yes,” she
replied and grabbed my arm. She led me to the bathrooms and
attacked me on the stairs. Seeing the women’s bathroom empty, I
led her into a stall and locked the door.
To be honest, I didn’t expect to beat the LJBF thing. I was
annoyed that she wasted my time and sent mixed signals. However, I
was really pleased to discover that there are some effective
techniques for dealing with this problem, namely take-away and
jealousy. I’m always careful that women have fun with me, so when
I exited her life, she stopped having as much fun. Flirting with
her friend, and her friend’s response to me, was both a take-away
and a DHV and caused her to re-think her valuation of me (and maybe
spurred a bit of competitiveness with her friend). All in all, I
was pretty lucky, but maybe this report will prove useful to you.
Do girls leave you confused as to whether or not they like you?
Let's face it. Girl's don't make it easy for you. She will often send mixed signals leaving you unable to tell if she is being friendly or flirty. If you read her signals wrong you risk rejection and embarrassment. Or worse, you blow it with a girl who wanted to kiss you.
Here is a simple and innocent move that will instantly tell you if you're in the friend zone, or if she's waiting for you to kiss her.
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About Bobby Rio I'm Bobby Rio, one of the founders of TSB. I tend to write about what is on my mind so you'll find a mix of self development, social dynamics and dating articles/experiences. For a collection of some of my favorite articles check them out.