Escalation Problems

I get a lot of emails from guys wanted some advise. One of the topics that keeps coming up is “how to escalate.” It seems that as guys begin to understand the art of approaching and opening, they are getting lost trying to turn a good lead into a closed sale. I can’t say that I haven’t had that same problem in the past. Man, when I think of some of the hotties I let slip by because I didn’t know how to move the conversation along I get sick to my stomach.

I subscribe to a newsletter by Christian Hudson, of Master the Vibe, and in he posted a question and response from someone who mailed him a similar question to the ones I get all the time. Below i’ve posted the original question along with his response. If this post doesn’t help their is a great post in my archives titled the Dicarlo Escalation Ladder. Well worth reading if you haven’t already, and re reading if you have.

Good Escalation by Christian Hudson

Question: Christian and Sebastian, I am getting stuck in my conversations with women. I can open pretty well and I usually get past the first few minutes, but then things die out. This happens again and again. What am I doing wrong? – Rashid

Answer: Hey Rashid, a very timely question, because believe it or not, I was going through a similar thing not too long ago. I’d been in a relationship for awhile and when I got back into the game, this was the one thing I wasn’t doing well either. My head was not really into it; I just wasn’t enjoying my interactions. I needed to give myself the space to get over my relationship before I could feel comfortable getting deep with another girl.

The most likely problem here is that you’re not escalating properly. The girl likes you and is awaiting your leadership to the next stage of the interaction, but you’re not taking her there. Time to man up.

The web community refers to some websites as “sticky” because they have a lot going on to keep a person there. Our website is not very sticky; there’s just not a lot there. But compare that to MySpace… there is a *lot* of depth in MySpace and all the things you can do there. So one way of making things sticky is to make them deep. That’s ultimately where you want to go, but you might have to take a few steps along the way, which depend on the vibe of the interaction, and the venue you’re in.

If you’re at a club, an obvious escalation after a few minutes of conversation is to ask her to dance. Or better yet, just drag her onto the dance floor or the nearest podium. Especially if you’re sensing that she has a good energy and wants to dance… its time to get crazy.

Anywhere else, you can escalate in two directions: – Going for flirty banter – Going for deep rapport

I’ll compare two interactions from Master the Vibe that feature none other than your’s truly. In this month’s episode, I get into a conversation with a girl in a bookstore that escalates to a lot of flirtatiousness. After the “hook point” in the interaction, we make fun of each others’ nicknames, discuss what its like to be straight in San Francisco, and then briefly touch on our careers, with some brief role-playing thrown in for good measure. It is all very “light,” and the real depth in our interaction didn’t happen until we sat down for an insta- date over coffee. Nonetheless, the flirting served its purpose of getting this girl to warm up to me.

Compare that to last month’s episode, where I am talking with a girl at a bar. We’re discussing some pretty deep stuff about our families within ten or twelve minutes, and we build a pretty strong bond over that. You’re going to have to think about some questions about which you could have a deep conversation – things like art, literature, adventures, family, love, passion, etc.

Its great to go straight for deep rapport, but you may have to warm her up with some flirtatous back-and-forth before she feels comfortable getting deeper with you. It all depends on the girl and how well your opener stuck.

And lest I forget, there is one other way to escalate after your opener: go straight for the kiss. Seriously. If you’re engaging enough and she’s responsive, you can say “Hey you’re adorable, come here.” You’d be surprised how quickly a woman will kiss you if the first few minutes go well. My fastest kiss happened in about twenty seconds, and while I didn’t get that one on audio, we’ll be featuring something similar on the August edition of Master the Vibe.

I sincerely hope this helps and clarifies things. Hit us back at if you’d like further exposition on any of these points. And remember, head on over to the following URL to hear the beginning of this bookstore conversation. We’ll have a few extra copies of this month’s disc and we’d love to get them out that door rather than having them sit around the loft.

Catch you soon,


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About Bobby Rio I'm Bobby Rio, one of the founders of TSB. I tend to write about what is on my mind so you'll find a mix of self development, social dynamics and dating articles/experiences.  For a collection of some of my favorite articles check them out.