free hit counters

So You’re “Alpha”… Big Deal

By

AtkaYou know, one of the things that I keep hearing about time and time again is the concept of the “Alpha Male” when it comes to attracting women.

Sure, you see and hear about kick ass movie stars like Sean Connery and Lee Marvin exemplifying the alpha male in movies and life… and yes… they DO get the girls.

Hell, even the bad boy drug dealers are “alpha”.

But, do you know what the thing that really gets under my skin.

Being an “Alpha” Male isn’t even the number one attraction trigger in women according to research.

Actually… it’s tied with physical attractiveness (and we KNOW how much THAT doesn’t matter… wink).

Do you know what the number one trigger is?

I’m sure you do.  But people just gloss over it.

It’s Social Status.

Look, I know PLENTY of Alpha Male types that absolutely suck with women.

How many musicians and poets do you know that get chicks?

do you believe in labels?Are they “alpha?”

Nope. 

In fact, most of the time, these guys are very passive and nurturing.  They’re making women feel great by being around them… which is the REAL key. 

Social status does that.  Women feel great being around a man that has lots of contacts and its socially calibrated.

He doesn’t even have to be the “alpha” dog of the group.

It’s true… I know plenty of NON alpha frat boys that get laid like you wouldn’t believe.

Here’s the breakdown of attraction triggers:

  1. Social Status  (far ahead)
  2. (tie) Social Dominance (alpha male behavior)
  3. (tie)  Physical attractiveness (your look, clothes, body… and some face, but not really
  4. Physical Dominance (are you an ass kicker)

As you can see, the one thing you should ALWAYS be working on is your social status.  It matters more than any of the others by a long shot.

IMG_1764Oh, do you want to know another term for a man with loads of social status?

He’s called “cool”…  J

So, while you’re over at the bar, hanging out in your “alpha” stance… I’ll be working the room like Bill Clinton… exploding my social proof… and getting in with the “best” women before you even get out of the gate.

And that’s a fact.

Remember, I’m not saying that having an alpha mentality is worthless… because it’s not… but the fact is that if you’re not working on your social status… your “coolness”… at all times, you’re missing out on the biggest piece of the attraction pie.

(And a WHOLE BUNCH OF LAYUPS in the process)

About Brad Howard

Everyone is cool in Brad's book. It's just that most people are afraid to let their "coolness" shine through. This author, blogger, collarborator, and serial entrepreneur pulls out all the stops when he tries to help guys get better in life. A perfect example, go measure your Adonis Index and build a perfect body with a free sample of Adonis Effect Workouts and Nutrition...

Simple Trick Tells You if a Girl Wants You to Kiss Her

Do girls leave you confused as to whether or not they like you?

Let's face it. Girl's don't make it easy for you. She will often send mixed signals leaving you unable to tell if she is being friendly or flirty. If you read her signals wrong you risk rejection and embarrassment. Or worse, you blow it with a girl who wanted to kiss you.

Here is a simple and innocent move that will instantly tell you if you're in the friend zone, or if she's waiting for you to kiss her.

21 Comments

  1. Aaron

    September 5, 2008 at 2:43 pm

    That’s my biggest weakness right now. When I’m with a group of people who don’t know each other, I can take the lead easily (and it’s obvious what happens to the girls). The trouble is breaking into pre-established social orders.

    That and my loner personality tends to isolate me. I don’t have many friends (partly because I live with my parents, and partly because I like working by myself.) Which really limits my options. How do you make friends with people if you don’t have a valid reason (ie. being roomates, work buddies, in a class together)

    • PeteTheFreshman

      September 6, 2008 at 1:18 pm

      Don’t mind me… just testing out the brandy new threaded comments

    • West PUA

      October 28, 2008 at 8:56 am

      The best thing I ever did was moving away from home. You won’t believe how much it’ll change you until you do!

      I mean, can you pull chicks home to your parents, no problem?

      You also get a lot of confidence from being self-reliant, and invariably it will radiate from you. Living by yourself is great!

      Recent Words from West PUA..Getting Comfortable Dancing in the Club

  2. Bobby Rio

    September 5, 2008 at 5:02 pm

    Aaron are you in college?

    If so, take advantage of the rush parties this fall.

    If not, make a valid reason to make friends. Join clubs of your interests… sports leagues, get a waitering job or one of the other ones I listed in a previous article.

    Use Facebook to network…

    Promote for bars and clubs as part time work.

    If you’re over 21… organize events via facebook at local bars.

    Create a Tuesday Happy Hour @ (insert local bar) and use PR to spread the word. You’d be surprised how often other people are bored and looking for something fun to do.

    Be the guy creating the fun stuff for these people.

    If you’re not into partying… do it for something you are into. Football games, local concerts… whatever

  3. Tenmagnet

    September 5, 2008 at 6:01 pm

    Excellent post… A lot of guys totally over-do the whole alpha thing, and focus on it way too much.

    And Aaron – The best way to make friends is to a) have something cool and interesting going on in your life, and b) invite people to share that with you. That’s the basis behind all the good advice Bobby is giving you above.

  4. Dennis Lee

    September 5, 2008 at 8:16 pm

    First of all i love the picture — i dont know what to think about but it makes me think these gals are up to somethin…

    I like the advice Bobby gives here… though maybe i’m out of the waiter jobs age, but the PR is a great idea! Facebook is a great idea, need to try that too… Not sure how a bar venue promotion is done though…
    It’s a challenge in itself – i’m gonna go and try to persuade the manager next time to do a happy hour, that will also help to get into the sarging mode (well i’m still in the old school – bars and clubs :P)

    I would also suggest: take dancing classes, and ‘soft’ sports, like fintess or joga where women are found in crouds!

  5. Brad

    September 5, 2008 at 9:40 pm

    Hey Aaron…

    Don’t complicate things. Sometimes, it’s just best to role up on someone and go:

    “Hey… my name’s Aaron, we haven’t met yet.”

    Then you can ask questions about how people know each other, ask questions… and then move to another group and do the same thing.

    It’s wash/repeat.

    You don’t need a “reason” to meet people if you’re just trying to meet people 🙂

  6. lilez0521

    September 6, 2008 at 2:53 am

    Well i think this will be my biggest hurdle to get over. I’ve always been kind of a lone wolf. Like i can be social when i want, but most of the time i like my peace and quiet. So my question do i have to mold myself into a “social butterfly” or do i just need to realize my potential level of how social i can be and the reach for it?

  7. Sebastian

    September 7, 2008 at 1:13 am

    Bobby and Ten-magnet (nice name by the way 😉 ) , I’m with you on this one when you say most guys focus TOO much on being alpha and how it’s not even the biggest attraction trigger there is and how social status is much more important.

    I particularly think the poet and some musician example is a great one Bobby. Think of guys like Chris Martin (Cold Play lead singer), now I don’t know him well but from what I’ve seen, he’s a wonderful guy and someone to definitely befriend for us men and love for women, but he’s not exactly ‘alpha’, is he? And he’s just one of the many actors/singers/artists who fall into this category…..

    However, I also kinda disagree with a couple things.

    1) In my opinion, being a dominant alpha male doesn’t have “as” much weight as physical attractiveness (looks do). It has MORE.

    So if there are 2 guys both with let’s call it ‘average’ social status, but Guy 1 has good looks but Guy 2 has average looks but is alpha, I believe Guy 2 will be attracting more women.

    —————————————-

    2) Here’s what I really wanted to get to though and the main reason I’m writing this post. Like you and TM said and I agree with you guys, most guys focus too much on being Alpha when it’s not even THAT important in attracting women.

    But wait a minute guys… not EVERYTHING we do is there to attract women, is it? 😉
    That’s the first thing that popped into my head as I was reading this article and some of the proceeding comments.

    I mean, when I’m being alpha which is quite natural to me nowadays (maybe it wasn’t when I was in my early teens) but now is kinda ingrained into my personality, I’m not exactly only doing it because I know it’s also attractive to women, do I? I do it because it FEELS wonderful. It FEELS great to be a man who is assertive in nature, goes after what he wants and doesn’t take shit when he doesn’t have to. The fact that this type of behavior also happens to result in us being surrounded by women is more like a bonus. Although a pretty big and nice bonus. :p

    Being the leader, being the alpha-male, being the KING of whatever it is. Whether it’s your class, your sports team, whatever, just feels great because you’re showing the other guys, who’s the boss, how competitive and aggressive you are and hence sub-communicating, who shouldn’t be messed with and is powerful, etc.

    So, I would venture a guess that we’ve all been alpha in our life at one point or another guys and in certain situations, but most of the time, we weren’t even doing it for the women. We were doing it for the MEN.

    It’s like when women spend hours fixing themselves up before they go out. Are they doing it to have guys lust after them and get attracted? Sure. But they’re also mostly doing it to compete with other women. To show other women, who’s got the best fashion sense, ability to attract male attention, etc.

    So all in all, I really liked this post Bobby and agree with you that unfortunately most guys spend far too much ‘conscious’ effort to be Alpha and may think it’s more important than it really is. But perhaps, that’s expected and better understood when you consider the fact that, a lot of them aren’t just doing it because a bunch of dating Guru’s or attraction websites happen to recommend it, but because those feelings (when you’re in Alpha state) is perhaps what we strive for as men anyway.

  8. Brad

    September 7, 2008 at 11:41 am

    Hey Sebastian,

    Nice breakdown…

    But, here are a few points that we need to clarify.

    1. Physical attractiveness INCLUDES clothes, hair, grooming and body shape… as well as face. Most people make the mistake of thinking that physical attractiveness only includes body and face. This distinction brings physical attractiveness even with the alpha male property as far as importance.

    2. Also, according to the research… (remember, I don’t do ‘backyard psychology’) and person experience, you hit something on the head… even though you danced around it a bit.

    The primary motivation for men is to be ADMIRED by other men AND women. When a man feels like his woman doesn’t admire him anymore, he begins to lost interest in her and the “connection” breaks down.

    3. Lots of people mistake alpha male behavior as “being the boss and showing people that you shouldn’t be messed with”… which can be true to an extent. However, most guys that read this assume that this means MACHO behavior and continually having to “protect your rep” to show people who’s boss.

    Yet, sadly enough, this leads to weak points in your life that people can prey upon and leaves manipulation points and hot buttons for people to push.

    4. The main reason I put this out is that I feel like everyone is trying to deconstruct the alpha male behavior…

    If you’d like to get a good representation of what I feel alpha male type behavior is… just listen to “Damn, It Feels Good Too Be A Gangsta” by the Geto Boys.

    Perfect example:

    Cool, calm, collected
    Never runs his mouth, doesn’t start fights; but can close them down if needed
    Knows that if you have to say you are, you aren’t.
    Bends reality around himself (most important)

    Plus more…

    But, like I said earlier… great analysis and on point, Sebastian

    (Oh, remember, you can be as Alpha as you want but if you look like a bum, no lovin’ for you… google “Halo Effect” for more on this….)

    Recent Words from Brad..Weapons Of Mass Influence

  9. nick

    September 8, 2008 at 10:51 am

    being alpha is one thing, but having a great personality is another and the latter is what will attract a sexy female.

    Recent Words from nick..hot cars and girls

  10. Sub5tance

    September 8, 2008 at 11:41 am

    I’ve changed lots of aspects of my appearance, vibe and behaviour over the last 12 months. And that’s the problem – because I’ve changed so many variables simultaneously its hard to isolate how much of an effect any one of them has. And also there is a lot of interaction and positive feedback loops between the variables. All I can say is that I have done some things that would probably fall under the ‘Alpha Category’ and my game has improved a lot as a result. By game I actually mean the ‘Game of Life’ – not JUST women. Its all inter-related.

    1. Alpha appearence. I lost a lot of weight and do 30 mins of weights per day. The effect is that I get a LOT of ‘pre-approach interest’ from women (checking me out) and more-often-than-coincidence I get women approaching me to talk out of the blue. This did not happen 12 months ago (although I am more tuned into the subtler IOIs than I used to be, too, which may skew my perceived changes in how women react to me)

    2. Alpha Body language. I am much more *aware* of how I stand and move. I am much more controlled in my movements and expressivness. Including how I phrase verbally. I am convinced this has greatly changed the way that both men and women react to me. But I am aware that this changed body language has changed how *I* feel which obviously positively effects the whole vibe I give off. But several times I’ve just been talking to a girl and the body language she gives off has definitely been ‘doggy dinner bowl’ look and/or ‘fidgety/eyelash fluttering’. This did not happen 12 months ago.

    3. Alpha Vibe. Thanks to #1 and #2, plus increased confidence from some gaming techniques I tried (especially C&F) I now have more of an ‘alpha vibe’. Some call it ‘shaping your own reality’ but in laymans terms its actually ‘Not giving a F**k’ and ‘Amusing yourself rather than other people’. Only a small percentage (10%-20%) of women react badly to this, IME. At least 50% respond very well, very quickly. By ‘Not giving a F**k’ I mean saying simple things that I would not have had the courage, creativity or energy to do 12 months ago. Simple example from the weekend: A girl accidentally brushed my arm as I walked past and she said ‘Sorry!’. 12 months ago I would have said ‘sorry!’ or ‘no problem’. Instead, I said ‘You know, you can just come and talk to me, instead, if you want my attention’. She LOVED it. So did I. Just that type of little interaction really improves the quality of life. Its like suddenly I tapped into this hidden world of how women like men to talk to them and treat them. Playful but dominant.

    Look — Most quality girls have the antenna to pick up whether you’re *really* an assh*le. If you’re actually a good honest guy who just happens to be mega-cocky/Alpha/acts like an assh*le you will do OK with girls, and feel good in general. I do say some risky things but they usually pay off. And in fact I have noticed a woman who will give you an ‘assh*le’ vibe to start but will be giving you IOIs when she’s cooled off 30 mins later.

    FInally – it has changed how men react. I still have great friends but I have to calibrate the alpha somewhat, minute-by-minute. And certain types of men (about 20%) react badly. These are typically ‘betas-who-want-to-be-alphas’. They resent your popularity and dominance, especially when they are drunk. This is actually cool – because it brings that side out of them and allows me to immediately filter them out of my life.

    Summary: 12 months ago I was NICE. EVERYONE liked me. But I got little attraction. Now I upset 10-20% of people, but at least 50% of women show obvious attraction for me. Its a choice you need to make.

    ALL of this stuff; Appearance, Body Language, and Vibe; the whole ‘Alpha’ thing means you get the confidence and energy and enthusiasm to ‘get a personality’ and talk to total strangers, dominate the social group etc which may really be what is at work – I just don’t know.

    • MikeStoute

      September 8, 2008 at 12:03 pm

      Sub5tance – I really don’t understand how you upset 10-20% of the people you know by being alpha. That number should be a lot lower or 0 IMO.
      What are you doing that you think is causing this reaction?

    • Brad

      September 8, 2008 at 1:12 pm

      AH… people are starting to catch on to the real phenomenon…

      … the power of compounding 🙂

      In other words, all of these “attraction” mechanisms are interrelated, some more than others…

      So, with the rule of 72, if you can increase your “effectiveness” by 18% in each of these areas… you’ll DOUBLE your attractiveness to women.

      Also, I agree with Mike… if you’re pissing 20% of the people off… tone down the cocky and turn up more funny.

      A rule of thumb: The more physically attractive you make yourself… the less percentage of cocky and higher percentage of funny are needed…

      … or else you run the risk of people thinking that you’re super cocky (and insecure)… instead of a good looking, confident man that knows how to have a good time and make people feel good.

      Make sense?

  11. Brad Jackson

    September 8, 2008 at 11:31 pm

    I couldn’t agree more. I’d rather work the room and the be the life of the party befriending everyone than playing tough alpha guy. Plus, if alpha isn’t in your nature, it can be learned but it’s hard to fake. You’ll come off as uncomfortable and you won’t have fun with the evening.

    I display my social status by very carefully using certain magic tricks that involve either just the girl, or by getting the guys involved. I have several tricks that will even AMOG the other guys while having fun at the same time and they’re never mad…but everyone is entertained.

    Great post by the way…right on target

  12. Sub5tance

    September 9, 2008 at 6:03 am

    Great discussion guys! Just to pick up on some of replies to my comment (thanks for your concern! 🙂 ):

    1. When I say that I upset 10-20% of people, it should be noted that, at the same time, 80-90% of my interactions have *improved* and about 50% of my interactions with women have *greatly improved*. But perhaps my statement ‘Its a choice you need to make.’ was a little misguided. But personally I no longer mind breaking a few eggs to make a better omelette. I firmly believe that to begin with at least – a woman doesn’t have to LIKE you to be ATTRACTED to you.

    Here’s something interesting. Last weekend I was at a party and two girls were talking in the food queue and one was saying she worked at a school. So I butted in and said ‘Yeah, look like a head girl’. She snapped back ‘ACTUALLY. I’m a teacher’ then blanked me and talked to her friend again. But then afterwards the friend she was talking to always seemed to be where I was. And then the lingering eye contact started as my cockiness continued and then the smiles and her whispering to her friends. So I went over … 🙂 So I broke an egg but still made the omelette. You don’t have to please everyone all the time. It can actually be counter-productive, IMO.

    2. Mike asks ‘What are you doing that you think is causing this reaction?’. I think its probably down to ‘when it doubt, do it anyway’. By this I mean teasing someone and risk upsetting them, butting in to conversations, having more physical presence, being direct, assuming control, talking louder, talking slower, telling a story no matter how crazy and pointless it is, etc.

    *Before* I had a more alpha, C&F attitude *everyone* -liked- me. But now that’s less important to me. Less people -like- me, but the majority that -do- like me seem to REALLY like me (and women do seem much more *attracted*).

    Perhaps its self-delusion but in general I think that the minority that I don’t get on with aren’t worth knowing anyway; they probably have their own issues. I’ll just move on and find the people who I do get on with.

    3. Brad says ‘The more physically attractive you make yourself… the less percentage of cocky and higher percentage of funny are needed…’.

    Yeah, I think because I’ve improved my looks, physical dominance, and ‘cockiness’ at the same time I may sometimes push a little too far on the cockiness.

    On this topic, Brad, Google for “Greengross humour attraction” – its quite interesting.

    The scientific study that the resulting links talk about basically says that physically attractive, confident men are better off being ‘self-deprecating’ rather than cocky. But for less physically attractive or confident men being self-deprecating works against them.

    Me? I’m too scared about regressing back to my ‘nice AFC self’ to go back to my being self-deprecating and acting the ‘nice guy entertainer’ … I’ll stick with being Cocky and Funny, even if the odd misjudgement makes me the odd enemy here and there …

    • Brad

      September 9, 2008 at 3:55 pm

      Sweet! I love it…

      I’ll check it our but I can go ahead and tell you that I agree with the study.

      In fact, I mentioned this in the post I did for this site on “Teasing” and using self depreciating humor as “Tease bait”… as a way to open the gate for the woman to make a little fun of you so you can make it her idea.

      Shame on her for picking on little you… 🙂

      Good stuff.

      Recent Words from Brad..Stop Half Assing Your Life

      • Sub5tance

        September 10, 2008 at 12:15 pm

        Yeah, I just went back and read your ‘Teasing’ article … and one thing I really agree with is the whole ‘flipping the script’ idea where you assume that SHE is chasing YOU. I need to do that more (and I know its effective). Another similar technique is teasing-roleplaying where you talk to her as if you are in the early stages of a relationship already. i.e. when you’re alone with her say stuff like ‘Wow this is like our first date. What shall we do? We could fly to Hawaii. And I’ll teach you to surf’ or when she does something negative tease with ‘We are SO splitting up. … no its too late …. no, you’ve blown it with me now …’ etc. Girls love that because it gives them the feel-good factor of the early romance without feeling uncomfortable about the physical side because they don’t know you that well yet.

    • MikeStoute

      September 9, 2008 at 4:16 pm

      You just need to calibrate your “reading of people” better. It will come in time as you become more social. I remember a time when I was on my way back to getting my mojo and I definitely had these problems. You sound like you have a good grasp on things so just do whatever it is that works for you, just try to keep it classy. 🙂

  13. Anonymous

    January 8, 2009 at 12:30 pm

    Social Status is bound to be the biggest thing which attracts a woman to a man, because women generally don’t have a single thought of their own in their heads, and only form opinions based on what their friends and others think of something, or what they think they think.

    Just like a woman could like a pair of shoes she just bought, but if her friends don’t like ’em, well, she ain’t wearing ’em no more.

    • Anonymous

      January 8, 2009 at 12:31 pm

      Rely by REALM3N.com, BTW.

You must be logged in to post a comment Login