Carnal Knowlege: Funny Sex
The most common email I`ve gotten since the column debuted is to expand on my intro-post line of I`ve had funny sex and awesome sex and weird sex and awful sex. So today I will bring the first of a four-part series: Funny Sex. There are two stories that immediately spring to mind
Caught by My Boyfriend`s Parents. Topless.
I gave up my V card to my high school boyfriend. We`ll call him Caleb. I was probably too young to be having sex but I still do not regret Caleb being my first. What I do regret, however, is the time his parents came home when we were having sex on the living room floor.
We had gone to a birthday party for Caleb`s uncle and the two of us left as early as we could get away with, because we knew we`d have the house to ourselves while Caleb`s parents were still at the birthday party. Caleb and I came bursting through the front door and were immediately all over each other. He pressed me up against the door and stripped off my jeans. We left a trail of clothes behind us and only got as far as the couch before we started going at it.
This continued for awhile until, in our fervor, we fell off the couch and onto the floor. Did not stop us. We were almost ready to cum together when suddenly we heard his parents come in the back door. Caleb jumped up, threw on his jeans and t-shirt and ran to the kitchen to head them off and buy me some time to get dressed. My clothes were significantly more strewn about than his were.
In Caleb`s exuberance to get me undressed, he had tossed my bra smack in the middle of the living room floor. I reached over for it and put it on, then snatched for my jeans. As I laid on the floor and wiggled into my jeans, I elevated my hips to pull my jeans on, pressing my upper back into the floor. After I zipped and buttoned my pants, I tried to sit up to grab my t-shirt and couldnt. I tried again and stayed cemented in place.
A hook on my bra was snagged on the carpet. I reached back to undo my bra so I could hopefully pull it free from the shag carpet`s iron grip. Unfortunately, just as I slid the bra off Caleb`s parents walked into the living room. At least I had pants on. I guess.
Caleb`s dad immediately shielded his eyes, made some kind of guhhaasdhrgh sound and ran back into the kitchen. Caleb`s mom just stood there, pursed lips and crossed arms.Â From underneath my hands covering my bright red face, a muffled voice said, â€œMy bra is hooked to the carpet and I can`t get it off.
Without a word, she walked over, kneeled down, unhooked the bra and plopped it in my lap, then walked back into the kitchen. On her way out of the room, she picked up our condom wrapper and said,At least you`re being careful.
A Bloody Mess
Just a couple months ago I briefly dated a guy named Dan. We started sleeping together almost immediately after meeting each other. What? Don`t judge me. We really hit it off. Also, it had been awhile for me and a girl has needs that cannot always be met by something that requires batteries.
The first time Dan and I slept together was after going out to a bar to drink beer and play darts with his friends. Just for the record we were playing Cricket and in one of our games of darts, I had a 9-hit round. Triple 17s, triple 18s and triple 19s. It was amazing. Probably the pinnacle of my bar-game career. But I digress
We got home from the bar and had sex in his bedroom. He never came, which is a frequent problem for him. For some reason, it takes him a really long time to cum and most of the time he doesn`t cum at all, which is no fun for him and frustrating for his partner. I didn`t take it personally but he said many a relationship had ended due to his inability to cum during sex. Previous partners of his had taken it really personally and the fighting about it had eventually led to the relationship`s demise. That`s something I would like to address in a future column, but it is not the point of this particular story.
Moving on. Dan and I had some good sex that night. Just because he did not cum does not mean he didn`t bring me to a fabulous orgasm. We had sex in his room, then cuddled up and went to sleep.
In the morning, we woke up and chatted a bit, then decided to have sex again. It went much the same as the night before; Dan fucked me while I played with myself. That`s how I cum. It was good stuff. When we were done, Dan got out of bed and his entire pubic region was covered in blood.
Now, even though it had been awhile, I`m pretty sure I was not re-virginized. No, instead I had apparently gotten my period sometime last night and didn`t know it. As I tried to will myself to disappear into the mattress and die of embarrassment, Dan pulled back the comforter.
You`ve seen The Godfather, right? It was a lot like when Jack Woltz finds the head of his prized thoroughbred in his bed. Or maybe like the opening scene of Saving Private Ryan, if Saving Private Ryan had been in glorious Technicolor. See, we had had sex the night before but it was dark.Â We had the lights off, made with the ol in-and-out, then went to sleep. So not only was there blood from this morning, but there was stuff from the night before on the sheets.
I do not get embarrassed easily. I never have. But at that particular moment I wanted to do some sort of Charlie`s Angels roll out the window and into the street, then run naked to my car and never look back. I was utterly and completely mortified.
What was Dan doing while I laid there wishing for sweet Death to take me in its loving embrace? He was laughing so hard he almost wet himself. Thank God he was cool about it.
What is the point of all this? Well, hopefully you got a good chuckle out of these stories. The larger point, however, is that crazy shit is going to happen in your sex life. It might be embarrassing, it might be messy, it might involve your kids and/or parents. You have to be able to roll with it. Sex is not something that demands to be taken ultra seriously. It is a leisure activity. It is supposed to be fun. You need to accept that your family members have sex and not get freaked out about it. You need to be able to laugh at yourself. And if your girlfriend leaves your member a bloody mess, you need to be sensitive to the fact that she now wants to go play in traffic rather than look you in the face.
Do girls leave you confused as to whether or not they like you?
Let's face it. Girl's don't make it easy for you. She will often send mixed signals leaving you unable to tell if she is being friendly or flirty. If you read her signals wrong you risk rejection and embarrassment. Or worse, you blow it with a girl who wanted to kiss you.
Here is a simple and innocent move that will instantly tell you if you're in the friend zone, or if she's waiting for you to kiss her.
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About Claire Sebastian Claire Sebastian is a recent law school graduate looking to hold on to the one remaining piece of her soul by penning a weekly sex column for TSB Magazine. Turn-ons include witty banter, intelligent debates, â€œThese Arms of Mineâ€ by Otis Redding, being kissed on her neck, singing along under your breath while dancing with her, and running your hand through her hair. She can be found writing at various other sites online but under a different name. Guess youâ€™ll just have to wonder whereâ€¦