Carnal Knowledge: Phone Sex and Dirty Emails

This week’s column is going to be about a staple of the long-distance relationship: phone, email and/or IM sex. It is brought about by a great reader question. There are several parts to this reader’s question, so I’d like to address it paragraph by paragraph.

Claire,

My name’s Greg, I’m from Australia and was fortunate to come across your great tsbmag.com site’s sex column and have read all 7 articles you have up so far. Please keep up the great work ; I like your writing style and your insights are a great help.

Thanks for writing in Greg, I really appreciate the kind words.

You mention also writing sex columns for other sites ; if you can send any link/s, it’d be great to check them out. I’ve been a follower of pick up artist methods for about 3 months now (with the community mainly being based mainly in North America), as it offers males great tools for being about to relate to and speak to women much better. The manuals and instruction materials in this field are exorbitantly overpriced, but I’ve downloaded what I need.

I don’t actually write sex columns for other sites. I write about sports for several sites and I write about television shows for an entertainment website. I also write on those sites under my real name. Yes, “Claire Sebastian” is a pseudonym. I figure a future employer wouldn’t have much problem with sports or TV, but googling me and getting a weekly sex column might be a different story.

I’m writing to ask if you can help with something I’m having frustrating problems with. I currently use online dating, as I’m 40 and am too old for bars and night clubs, plus I don’t drink alcohol. A problem I’ve been having, is some women contacted who are open about being sexual, write to say that if I or a guy were to meet and have sex with them, to describe in writing, what the guy, or what I myself would like doing to and with them sexually. In the times I’ve done this, I’ve bombed rather badly at it, as they write back to say what I wrote was extremely lame and tame and that they want descriptions that are much rougher, more much X rated and much more explicit and more hardcore. They say I’ll have to try a lot better if they expect to meet me in person.

This is a great question. You would be surprised at the number of men I have dated who have trouble expressing themselves in a sexual way, both verbally and in writing. What I have found is that most of them have never done it so they’re scared to try it because they’re afraid they won’t be any good. But you only get good by practicing. It’s an on-going cycle and my advice is just to jump in and try it. You’ll get better at it.

I got my start in high school (I swear I am not making this up) because my boyfriend Caleb and I couldn’t hang out every night. But we could talk on the phone. So every night around 10 pm he’d call me and we chat about our days and eventually we’d have phone sex and then we’d say goodnight. It started out with basically a lot of moaning as I played with myself. I had to work up to getting descriptive. The more you do it, the better you’ll get at it.

What’s frustrating is there surprisingly isn’t much on the net I can use to get good ideas from, for this type of writing. I mean in a more structured written format, not necessarily something that only uses adjectives like slut, whore and bitch, which most people associate with verbal dirty talk. Verbal dirty talk only consists of short phrases and is too brief.

First I have to address the “slut, whore and bitch” comment. I don’t know about you, but I don’t associate those words with dirty talk at all. If a guy was trying to arouse me and called me a slut or a whore, he’d probably get punched. Dirty talk is about being sensual. Not about being an asshole or degrading your partner. Now, if your partner likes the use of those words, fine. But I wouldn’t lead with them.

Verbal dirty also does not consist of short phrases. One of my favorite things to do while a guy is fucking me is to basically tell him a story. Spin out a scenario wherein we do it in public or maybe another girl is with us. There is nothing hotter than feeling a guy inside me, looking in his eyes and telling him a story about (for instance) him taking a girl we know from behind while she goes down on me. Dirty talk does not have to be short things like “Give it to me hard” or something. It can be whatever you want it to be.

Someone said to go to the Literotica.com site, that’s probably the best site on the internet for fictional erotica material. It is a great site for that, but the problem I have with it is while fictional erotica material is good, it’s just far too long. I need non-fictional material that isn’t so long, as these women aren’t asking for fictional erotic stories that are 5 or 10 thousand words long; they want nonfiction descriptions and accounts, so Literotica isn’t that helpful unfortunately.

Literotica.com isn’t bad. I actually prefer www.asexstories.com. Those are hit and miss in terms of quality, but in terms of length the stories are much more what you are looking for. I’m not sure what you mean by “non-fiction” material. How do you know if something is fictional or not?

Secondly, you can’t just go cribbing stories from a website. The dirty emails should come from you. They can basically just be accounts of a scenario. Imagine yourself with the woman you are writing about and then describe it. How she looks, what she does to you, what you do to her. Get explicit. Use words like fucking, cock, pussy, sucking, licking, etc.

If you are aware of any helpful resources that are online like that, that guys can read and go check out to get ideas from. It’d have to be in nonfiction form though, not be a site with fictional erotic short stories on it, as they’re too long and they go over 500 words.

I’m not sure why you’re so focused on “nonfiction” and the length. Those stories can be perfectly helpful. Maybe part of the reason the women you have written dirty emails to did not like your stuff is because it was too short. Dirty emails should be like the sex itself: build up to the big moment, don’t just jump in mid-story. I’ll give an example at the end of the column.

With respect to watching X-rated porn to get ideas, I would but am in the extremely small minority of guys who finds X rated porn to be extremely ultra dull and tedious to watch and too mechanical. Thanks so much for your time and assistance. I hope to hear from you.

Sincerely, Greg

I hope this column was helpful to you, Greg. It was hard for me to get too specific without reading a sample of what you’ve written to the women you have met online. Maybe we could get some kind of online Writer’s Workshop for Dirty Stories going.

As far as examples go, this first example is an email I sent a friend of mine awhile back. He’s Travis from the Awesome Sex column. I like to send him dirty emails from time to time:

You know, if I came to visit I might try to time it with Halloween again. You’d take me to a house party and at some point in the evening you’d notice that I’d disappeared. You’d come looking for me and upstairs, you’d come into one of the bedrooms to find me face-first in Steph’s pussy. Licking and teasing her clit while her head was thrown back, moaning. I’d stand up, come over to you and Steph and I would strip off your costume and both just start going down on you as you stood there. We’d be kissing and sucking your cock and making out with each other. Finally when you were just about to burst, Steph would ask you to fuck her. She’d lay down and I’d lay next to her, so we could make out and suck on each other’s tits. And you’d start pounding away on her, while reaching over to play with my clit. You’d be so turned on bringing me to orgasm that you’d grab the headboard as you came into Steph, filling her up with cum. She’d sit up and straddle me, with one of my legs up by her shoulder, so that she could rub her pussy on mine while your cum dripped out of it. It would be so warm and slick and sticky and she’d grind on me until we both came. Then we’d put our costumes back on and go back downstairs.

That is an example of a short and sweet dirty email. But notice how even in under 250 words, I set up the story. I didn’t just start with, “You’re fucking Steph while you finger me.” That’s not sexy. That’s too clinical and matter-of-fact.

If I were going to have phone sex rather than dirty emails, my script would be almost identical. The key is how you say it. Soften your voice. Make it a little husky. It automatically makes whatever you are saying sound more sexual.

I have one more piece of advice for Greg (or anybody else out there). Make your dirty emails like a striptease. I recently had a friend of mine tell me over IM that he had a sex dream about me. I asked him to tell me what happened in the dream and he ended up writing the entire thing out in 3 parts. He’d send me one part and then wait for my reaction. It was a total striptease. It’s too long to include the whole thing in this article, but the first part started with us sitting on a roof in the cool night air. It moved to making out and then to a blowjob. And that was it. But it left me wanting more. I was wet with anticipation of where it was going. So teasing can be a very good thing.