Topical Cream: 2.05

Hello, Lost. Goodbye, Lost.: The title of the smash-hit television show describes how viewers feel at the beginning, middle, and end of every episode, and plenty of theory websites have cropped up to try and decipher just what the hell is going on. This is the final season of the show, and there are only three mysteries that remain for me: 1) How could a whiny turd like Jack ever win a fistfight with Sawyer or Said? 2) Where?s Ricardo Montalban?, and 3) What happened to the bikini Sun wore in season 1? Did the dog eat it?

@WrongWeek: The Airplane moves are never not funny. Which is why this twitter feed is so handy. You may remember Lloyd Bridges as the air traffic controller who reacted to the evolving crisis by returning to his old vices, finally uttering the immortal line ?Looks like I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue!? The mysterious genius behind this handle simply finds and re-tweets any message that uses a similar line. Zeitgeist at its finest.

Statuettes R Us: You know, when writers get together to tell each other how marvelous we are, nobody gives a damn. Probably because we look like absolute crap in evening gowns, no matter how many borrowed diamonds you slather on us. But this is the awards season, with the Grammys just completed, and the Oscars on the way. If you find yourself sitting through the 14-hour ceremony to please your girlfriend, may we suggest a discreet drinking game to pass the time?

Welcome Our New Alien Overlords: So. There?s apparently this X-shaped object hurtling through the universe at around 11,000 miles per hour. It?s not pointing toward Earth? yet. Despite the object?s unusual shape and curious relationship to the laws of physics, NASA has declared the space anomaly is ?just a comet?. Which is what they always say in the movies, right before we all perish at the business end of a laser cannon.

DING!: Southwest Airlines have always made air travel enjoyable. Rather than chucking a bag of peanuts at each passenger, a Southwest flight attendant will generally have a smile and a few minutes of chat for you. I actually take off my headphones for pilot announcements, because they?re usually kind of funny and entertaining. Now, there?s an iPhone app out that should nail down any travelers who aren?t completely loyal to the brand. Aside from mobile help with registration, check-in, and managing rapid rewards points, the program will also notify you immediately of any special fares or deals, with a perky ?DING!?

We?re Winning the War Against IKEA: Every piece of pre-fab furniture I ever put together has several cheap screws that immediately became stripped as I tried to grind them into the too-small pilot holes provided. Now comes the news that the common rubber band will come to my aid when the time comes to take that sucker apart. It?s not nearly as satisfying as losing my temper and smashing the pressed-wood nightstand against the curb on moving day, but it will save me a fair bit of money.

Who Dat?!:

?Who Dat?? is a popular chant used by fans of the NFL’s New Orleans Saints. Since the team will be participating in its first-ever Super Bowl this weekend in Miami, it seems only appropriate that our column-ending question should feature the gorgeous Saintsations cheerleading squad. I don?t really care if you?re a football fan or not: if the Saints win the big one, high-tail it to New Orleans immediately, and bring lots of plastic?beads. They don?t call it the Big Easy for nuthin’.

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About Eric Angevine "In his time on planet Earth, Eric Angevine has been a bookstore manager, a late-night radio DJ, a taco-filler, a middle-manager, and a professional writer. Which is a polite way of saying he doesn't know what he wants to be when he grows up."