The 3 Ingredients of Taking Action: Drive, Intent and Assertiveness
To get shit done, you need these three ingredients: you must possess drive, you gotta focus your drive in the form of intent, and then you have to manifest your intent through assertiveness. Aight fuckers, let’s start at the end and work backwards.
You see something you want and you go after it, whether that’s a job position, a redhead, or a bartender’s attention. If you possess intent but not assertiveness, then you wind up with zip. Assertiveness takes your intent and puts it into action. Likewise, you can’t be assertive without having intent; it’s a prerequisite.
Too much and you’re aggressive, too little and you’re passive. The aggressor is the bully, the pacifist is the doormat, and the assertive guy is in between.
Aggressive people tend to step over the boundaries of passive people, resulting in abuse and manipulation. Assertive people say what they mean and go after what they want, but not in a way that is harmful to others or disrespectful of others’ boundaries. If an assertive person is confronted by an aggressive person, he will defend his boundaries from aggression.
So in the case of the bartender, a passive guy will stand meekly by waiting for the bartender to notice him while everyone else steps around him and gets waited on. The aggressive guy will shove everyone out of the way and yell at the bartender for help. The assertive guy will maneuver up to the bar without pushing anyone aside, will focus on the bartender until they lock eyes, and then will make his voice heard in a way that is commanding.
I’ve previously talked about the importance of clarity. There is no lack of clarity with the aggressive or the assertive guy. The passive guy, however, seems unclear about his intent (this is the perception of others, even if he is clear in his head). And so he is often ignored and passed by. Men don’t respect him and women aren’t captivated by him. Even if he is full of intent, he doesn’t show it, so he is seen as a pussy, someone who doesn’t feel good about himself, wishy-washy, easy to be taken advantage of, not freely expressing himself.
Aggressive people don’t have a problem expressing their desires, but often their trouble is in controlling their emotions. So they explode unexpectedly, seem unreasonable, impulsive and brash. A little bit of this is exciting, but eventually the assertive guy appears more solid since he is in command of his emotions. Other people feel good interacting with assertive men, but they often wind up feeling used and disrespected by aggressive men.
Let’s take this to your interaction with girlies. Shall we?
Say you have full-on intent. Meaning you see a hotty and you wanna bang her. Now, rather than be assertive, you sit there and don’t approach. Or in another situation, you want to make out with a girl you’re hitting on, but that voice in your head stops you. Or perhaps she’s being a bitch and you don’t put your foot down, instead buckling and letting her be dominant.
Digging deeper, the cause of not approaching is anxiety. So it is with not pulling the trigger. Perhaps fear of loss stops you from letting girls know when they’ve overstepped your boundaries. Maybe you’re scared that your communication skills are sub par and will inadvertently get you into trouble.
Notice that in all these cases the underlying theme is anxiety and fear. If you are truly confident and without fear, you will put your intent into action. Yes there may be repercussions. You may be made a fool of, your ego may get bruised, you may get rejected. But you get back on your feet and reassert yourself.
Sometimes that fear is masquerading as something else. That’s where excuses come from. Guys who don’t approach often have a list of a dozen reasons to support their behavior. Recognizing this internal dialogue and then disidentifying yourself from it is the first step, followed by setting this dialogue aside and then doing what you want in spite of it.
To help become more assertive, put your intent into clear and decisive action. Take charge. Lead. Take responsibility and risk. Own your intent.
Intent is your aim or purpose. In legal terms, it’s the state of your mind when you carry out an action.
If you lack intent, even with strong drive, then you probably aren’t trusting of your decision-making process. Or perhaps you feel yourself unworthy of the goal. You have drive, but you aren’t channeling it for a variety of reasons. Intent is like light. In terms of meeting broads, the newb starts off with a wide beam of intent similar to a floodlight, and then as he hones his skill with the ladies, that beam turns into a narrowly focused laser.
If you shine a big floodlight on a girl, she’ll get annoyed and give you her number to make you go away. It didn’t really penetrate. Examples: never going direct, no flirting, nothing dominant, no qualifying. It’s a wide-open aperture, without focus to the beam, really diffuse. This is the newbie. His intent is simply to open 10 sets regardless of his attraction to her, not push to the close, whatever happens happens. Not surprisingly, lotsa flakes result.
At the other extreme is the tightest beam of intent, the laser. This guy demands he not only interact with a girl’s better self, but that he fucks her better self. He avoids the frames that don’t suit his purposes, he never supplicates, he always self-amuses. He is always internally validated. He is clear about his intent to bang her, even if it’s just through his subcoms.
In the end, what stops most guys from converting drive into intent is lack of trust in one’s faculties. When you don’t believe in yourself, you won’t give yourself permission to act with intent. This could be from social conditioning, your religious up-bringing, over-bearing parents, low self-esteem, et cetera. Something is stopping you from fully embracing your drive, and so you flounder in the intent department, conflicted and unsure.
Naturally there is no quick fix here. You need to do all the soul-searching necessary to own your drive fully and believe you’re the shit, before you can ever hope to assert it with chicks.
You can be driven in many parts of your life, but when we’re discussing pick-up, we mean the sexual type of drive: libido.
Too much and you’re a horndog. Too little and your interactions lack sexual charge. Horndogs do get laid, but most high-value women will eventually realize they’re being used for their pussies. Some girls don’t mind this, but most need to feel somewhere along the line that you aren’t PURE libido, that you do care about what’s inside, that you respect her as a human being.
Libido has an organic component. If you’re old like me, you may find your drive diminishing. I have to do little tricks like feeling up a girl while I talk to her, or stare at her tits, to regain that energy which once controlled all my thoughts. Libido also has a psychological basis. If you’re depressed, stressed about finances, over-worked, then your drive suffers. Sometimes you can shut those worries out while you interact with girls, but sometimes they’re too over-whelming.
Let’s face it. Libido is all about procreation. Of course, when we fuck girls, we are hoping NOT to procreate, but on a deep evolutionary level sex is sex because the designer of the system wanted us to do it a whole bunch of times in order to continue our species. You can tell yourself you don’t want kids, and take meticulous and irreversible measures to prevent it from happening, but that is the biological reason behind all this. So to a degree, we are at the mercy of hormones, which are there to assure procreation.
Even without intent and assertiveness, you can be raging with drive. The result is a guy who sits at his computer whacking off to porn every night, because he is too confused about his intent or too afraid to go out and take action. In the end it’s better to have more than less drive, but libido left unchecked will scare away most girls.
What is the end goal of all this psychobabble? The end goal is to channel your libido through sharply focused intent, and then pursue what you desire assertively.
About Dr. Evan Marlowe Evan Marlow is the dean and founder of Man School. You can visit at Manschool.cc