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Have Respect for the Process, Fucker

It’s Not The Destination, Folks

I found this quote by jazz legend Charlie Parker:

Master the instrument, master the music, then forget all that shit and play.

Any journey to a level of mastery requires the understanding that there will be often lengthy plateaus where growth is not apparent, followed by unexpected rises in progress. It?s this appreciation of the process ? both during times of growth and times of apparent stagnation ? that keeps guys moving towards their goal.

But most of us probably don?t have that kind of stamina and patience. By nature, we want shit to materialize quickly and with the smallest amount of energy expenditure and risk.

Hence the very high turn-over in the community. It?s just too much fucking work for most. The blow-outs, the rejections, the flakes, your inner dialog constantly talking trash. What looked like a promise for easy pussy turns into an epic search for the elusive Holy Grail.

Where many of the dudes who give up falter is in lacking respect for the process. They see a goal and they pursue it. When that goal doesn?t materialize after a month, half a year, two years, they surrender in frustration. But as George Leonard points out in Mastery, striving towards a goal at the expense of enjoyment of the process is bound to fail.

It isn?t easy to always enjoy a process that is so often harsh. Look I?ve been there. Long dry spells. Times when NO set hooks (if you even have the balls to approach). Feeling like you aren?t learning anything. It?s tempting to stay home, and many times I have done just that.

A lot of guys go astray when they get invested in their interactions. This seems healthy, since nobody wants to be an unemotional robot. But really in terms of mastery, it?s detrimental. Cold detachment from your sets and keeping a critical analytical mindset, these are the best ways to learn this skill. Literally being a social scientist in his lab running experiments.

What if you were training to box, and every time a fighter hit you, you went crying to mommy because some dude was mean to you. Come on, the dude you?re boxing is trained to hit you hard in the face, just like that bitch in the club has been trained to disrespect you. It?s the nature of the beast. Don?t take it personal.

Emotional investment is ultimately healthy, but where guys fuck up is in rewarding a girl with this investment before she deserves it. Certainly not day 1 or day 2. Maybe a few weeks into a relationship. But even then, it is reasonable to step back as objectively as possible and take notes on what?s working and what isn?t. You still need to be a scientist while in a relationship, so that you can strengthen your relationship skills. In the end, the process NEVER ends, even when you have apparently met your goal.

I know guys who meticulously analyze every set at the end of the night. And I know guys who refuse to do this analysis. The latter group tends to flounder around never progressing, ultimately pussy-less and angry at the game. You wanna be the first guy, not the second. Here are some ways to get there:

1. Pick apart your sets. All of ?em. Word by word, if you can remember them. Think back to how a girl or set responded to something you said or did. Her body language, her words, the way the friends reacted.

2. When something worked, keep that in your toolbox and try it again to see if it was just luck or was something meaningful. Fuck community dogma. Be observant of what is working for you, and don’t put too much weight on what other guys say works for them.

3. Where things didn?t work, come up with a reason why. Maybe you weren?t standing right, maybe you were too far away to escalate, maybe your wing came in too soon with the wrong energy level. Realize that for every girl you meet, there?s probably a player out there who could seduce her. Don?t assume it?s the girl, assume it?s you.

4. Devise solutions to your sticking points. If it?s an issue of having a SP, work around this by creating a plan for the next time you sense that SP is popping up. And blast away at that SP ?til it resolves. To do this, you need to be totally ego-less and honest with yourself. ?My sticking point is I didn?t pull the trigger and so the set fizzled out.? Good, now how are you gonna resolve to fix this the next time it happens?

5. If you said something that blew yourself out, come up with a few alternatives that would probably have worked better. Ask your wings if you have no idea what could?ve worked. Because someone out there may have experienced your issue and has resolved it.

6. If you didn?t say something you should?ve, get that handled too. One night a couple stunners kept their backs to me after the open. I ejected, but a better tactic would?ve been calling them out. ?Wow, I?m not used to talking to the backs of girls heads! Am I getting you two in trouble with your boyfriends? Is that it?? Then apply this solution in future sets and see if it floats or sinks.

Always be respectful that there is a process and that you need to put in the work to get the results. Disrespecting the process ? that is, having the audacity to think you can go out night after night and make the same errors without introspection or correcting your course ? is like stamping a big red FAIL on your forehead. Don?t be a boner.

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About Dr. Evan Marlowe Evan Marlow is the dean and founder of Man School.  You can visit at

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