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Social Isn’t Sexy

Winning Friends and Influencing People Won’t Get You Girls

We can all imagine it: a suave, debonair playboy working a room. Perhaps it’s a cocktail party or a chic happy hour where groups of desirable women are scattered in groups of twos and threes. Effortlessly, our charismatic playboy glides from group-to-group, making women laugh and blush. Fingers point and women whisper as the playboy’s “social proof” — a demonstration that he’s “pre-selected” by other women — increases. This, in turn, amplifies his attractiveness to all those in the room, creating a snowball effect. After a few hours of playing social barfly, he has his choice of any woman in the room.

Don't be this guy

Don't be this guy

You can imagine that, right? Good, because that’s only place our “playboy” will ever exist — between the ears of men. That’s because in reality, acting like a socialite doesn’t make you attractive. It makes you weird.

Unfortunately, internet nerds otherwise known as “pickup artists” have glorified the social aspect of learning dating skills to the point where it’s synonymous with attractiveness. Sure, this makes sense according to those evolutionary psychology books bought off Amazon; however, it overlooks one key principle: normal people don’t act like that.

My apologies to all the guys who’ve spent the last few years honing “social skills” believing it’s going to get them girls. It’s not. What’s going to get you girls is learning how to communicate effectively with just 2 people: 1.) yourself and 2.) the girl in front of you. Everyone else — whether it be an obstacle, pawn, wingman, pivot, AMOG, or BMOG — have absolutely no relevance whatsoever when it comes to attraction.

Moreover, getting into “state,” generating “social proof,” or even believing you need “warm ups” to attract women is just a bunch of nonsense that brings you closer to men on the internet, and further from women in real life. See the bullshit for what it is: social does not equal sexual. Sexual equals sexual.

However, it’s much easier for guys to hide behind their little socialite façade, practicing “skills” that might get them rejected, but not humiliated. See, when people actually acknowledge their sexuality, they open themselves up to embarrassing failures. You’re not the guy who “just wanted a quick female opinion,” you’re the guy who wanted a quick sexual interaction. It’s the difference between an annoyance and a threat, an inconvenience and a “situation,” a song-and-a-dance and an actual pickup attempt. The difference is staggering because the results are staggeringly different: one leads to mental masturbation, the other to actual women in your life.

If that’s offensive to you, good, I’m glad. I hope I made you realize you’re not improving your dating skills, you’re improving your social skills — two completely separate entities. One has nothing to do with the other, regardless what you read or heard. I know self-proclaimed pickup artists, charlatan dating instructors, and armchair pontificators all like to pretend getting good with women is about getting good social skills because that “sounds nice.” It doesn’t offend anyone and no one can tell them that they’re wrong — except someone who actually goes out and zealously weeds out bad information from good.

A perfect example was a night, about year or so back, when I returned to my hometown for a long weekend. A couple local pickup “coaches” challenged me to spend a night out with them. So I met them at a nearby nightclub, where they immediately split up and started “opening” every girl in sight. I posted up by the bar, grabbed a beer, and enjoyed the show. Eventually, I spotted the hottest girl in the venue, stepped up to her, and learned she had a boyfriend. So I opened the second hottest girl in the venue, learned she was awesome, and left with her. The coaches spent the rest of their night jumping from “set” to “set.”

The next day they called me to say they weren’t impressed with my “game” — apparently I didn’t open enough sets for them. What these clowns don’t realize is I don’t go out to “open sets” — I go out to get girls. So if game is a measure of social skills, then I’m not playing. I’ll happily admit my inadequacy, keeping myself focused solely on what actually matters: attracting girls.

So for those who’re reading and want actual, solid dating advice, don’t be social — be sexual. Go out and get girls, not game.

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About Rob J. Rob J. is a writer and dating instructor in New York City. Themes that resonate in both his teaching and writing are masculinity, genuineness, rational self-interest, and general awesomeness.

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