Are Your Pickups Missing “Sexual Intent?”
I want to tell you the interesting story about how I came to realize that playing ‘hard to get’ may make your ego feel good, but it won’t get you girls.
I can remember when I first began studying pickup I became obsessed with not being the ‘nice guy’ who supplicates himself to women through buying her drinks, complimenting her, or being too ‘agreeable.’ And as I began to see the reaction I was getting from women change towards a more positive vibe, I began to think the secret to attracting women was to appear completely disinterested in her sexually. I mean, doesn’t it make sense that if supplicating ‘nice guy’ behavior turns a woman off, then acting in a complete opposite manner should turn her on?
But when I started to pay attention, I noticed a few things about the way women were beginning to act towards me:
1. Although women no longer viewed me as a ‘nice guy’ who they could control and manipulate, they still weren’t sexually attracted to me.
2. Most women were NOT as confident as I initially thought. Instead of being drawn to the ‘total challenge’ I presented myself as, they just gave up and moved on.
3. Hiding the fact that I was sexually attracted to a woman often just made her view me as ‘asexual’ or worse, a closeted gay.
Trying to Figure this Out
About five years ago I began to get serious about actually getting more women into my bed. I had long since kicked my ‘nice guy’ behavior, but still wasn’t scoring the same night lays and crazy sexual experiences I craved. It’s funny but because being ‘hard to get’ would initially stir interest in a woman, I assumed that I just needed to lay on the ‘disinterest’ even thicker.
I remember one girl, Denise, who although I was incredibly attracted to her, I would repeatedly tell her how she wasn’t my type physically, and that I just wasn’t attracted to her. What’s funny is that I while girls like Denise were no longer putting me in the ‘friend zone’ we still would wind up ‘just friends.’ It seemed that no matter what I tried, I couldn’t find that right balance between ‘nice guy’ and ‘asexual guy.’
A Golden Realization
Then one day I was hanging out with my friend Steve Weed, a guy who was a natural with women. Up until recently, I was dumbfounded as to how he got chicks when he displayed obvious ‘nice guy’ tendencies like complimenting women and telegraphing interest. But since I was in a bit of a dry spell recently with women, instead of critiquing his ‘nice guy’ behavior, I decided to really pay attention and try to see if I could figure out why it was working for him.
As it turned out, while one minute I was watching Steve shamefully admit to a woman that she was ‘turning him on,’ the next minute Steve was flirting with one of her friends and all but ignoring her. This seemed to have the woman’s attention glued on Steve.
As I continued to watch Steve I noticed how he would verbally express strong desire towards the woman, but at the same time gave off an impression that if she walked away his night would not be the slightest bit ruined. In fact, he’d probably have another girl within minutes.
At one point, Steve actually began telling the girl what he was going to do to her later ‘in the bedroom.’ Yet, a few seconds after saying this to her he turned to me and asked me if I wanted to play a game of billiards with him. As we shot pool, the woman basically sat in the corner and stared at him the entire time. As I started to put the pieces of the puzzle together I realized that it’s NOT about completely hiding your desire and pretending to be indifferent to her. It’s about expressing your desire for her, but really being indifferent towards the outcome.
What I mean by this is that the woman Steve was flirting with that night in the bar knew that he found her sexually attractive, but she also got the impression that Steve was so used to be getting with women he found sexually attractive, that if she disappeared he would hardly notice she was gone. In the past I had always been so focused on expressing disinterest that I completely failed to get her interested in me in the first place. There could be no ‘chase’ if the woman isn’t chasing you. You are not a “challenge” if the woman isn’t intent on getting you.
In fact, it is your initial interest that makes a woman notice you. But it’s how YOU RESPOND when she reciprocates that interest that either ignites the chase or makes her think ‘I guess I was wrong about him… and he is hungry for my approval.’
“Here’s proof you can try for yourself!”
I have a simple exercise that I’d like you to try next time you’re out: As you’re talking to a woman and starting to sense some sort of flirtation or connection taking place, use a strong statement of desire for her. An easy way to do this is after she says something funny, you can look at her and say, “Now I’m really intrigued. You’re funny and incredibly sexy. You don’t find that too often.”
After you say this to the woman, go back to acting normal. Almost as if you never said it. In fact, if her friends are around begin chatting and flirting a bit with them. Don’t ignore her completely, but just enough to ignite the chase. What you’re going to find is that by putting that statement of desire out there, it greatly increases the amount of natural tension between you. And tension is known to amplify attraction.
The fact is, that expressing a “statement of intent” as Captain Jack refers to it during his training session on my “Conversation Escalation” program, is a crucial part of taking a conversation to a sexual level. For years I was brainwashed into believing that any expression of interest on my part was a sign that I was an Average Frustrated Chump. But in the last few years I’ve really come to realize how important it is to express your sexual intent to a woman.
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About Bobby Rio I'm Bobby Rio, one of the founders of TSB. I tend to write about what is on my mind so you'll find a mix of self development, social dynamics and dating articles/experiences. For a collection of some of my favorite articles check them out.