Are Your Pickups Missing “Sexual Intent?”


Why “Sexual Intent” Is Important

I want to tell you the interesting story about how I came to realize that playing ‘hard to get’ may make your ego feel good, but it won’t get you girls.

I can remember when I first began studying pickup I became obsessed with not being the ‘nice guy’ who supplicates himself to women through buying her drinks, complimenting her, or being too ‘agreeable.’ And as I began to see the reaction I was getting from women change towards a more positive vibe, I began to think the secret to attracting women was to appear completely disinterested in her sexually. I mean, doesn’t it make sense that if supplicating ‘nice guy’ behavior turns a woman off, then acting in a complete opposite manner should turn her on?

But when I started to pay attention, I noticed a few things about the way women were beginning to act towards me:

1. Although women no longer viewed me as a ‘nice guy’ who they could control and manipulate, they still weren’t sexually attracted to me.
2. Most women were NOT as confident as I initially thought. Instead of being drawn to the ‘total challenge’ I presented myself as, they just gave up and moved on.
3. Hiding the fact that I was sexually attracted to a woman often just made her view me as ‘asexual’ or worse, a closeted gay.

Trying to Figure this Out

About five years ago I began to get serious about actually getting more women into my bed.  I had long since kicked my ‘nice guy’ behavior, but still wasn’t scoring the same night lays and crazy sexual experiences I craved. It’s funny but because being ‘hard to get’ would initially stir interest in a woman, I assumed that I just needed to lay on the ‘disinterest’ even thicker.

I remember one girl, Denise, who although I was incredibly attracted to her, I would repeatedly tell her how she wasn’t my type physically, and that I just wasn’t attracted to her. What’s funny is that I while girls like Denise were no longer putting me in the ‘friend zone’ we still would wind up ‘just friends.’ It seemed that no matter what I tried, I couldn’t find that right balance between ‘nice guy’ and ‘asexual guy.’

A Golden Realization

Ignore them after first putting sexual intent out there

Ignore them after first putting sexual intent out there

Then one day I was hanging out with my friend Steve Weed, a guy who was a natural with women.  Up until recently, I was dumbfounded as to how he got chicks when he displayed obvious ‘nice guy’ tendencies like complimenting women and telegraphing interest. But since I was in a bit of a dry spell recently with women, instead of critiquing his ‘nice guy’ behavior, I decided to really pay attention and try to see if I could figure out why it was working for him.

As it turned out, while one minute I was watching Steve shamefully admit to a woman that she was ‘turning him on,’ the next minute Steve was flirting with one of her friends and all but ignoring her. This seemed to have the woman’s attention glued on Steve.

As I continued to watch Steve I noticed how he would verbally express strong desire towards the woman, but at the same time gave off an impression that if she walked away his night would not be the slightest bit ruined. In fact, he’d probably have another girl within minutes.

At one point, Steve actually began telling the girl what he was going to do to her later ‘in the bedroom.’ Yet, a few seconds after saying this to her he turned to me and asked me if I wanted to play a game of billiards with him. As we shot pool, the woman basically sat in the corner and stared at him the entire time. As I started to put the pieces of the puzzle together I realized that it’s NOT about completely hiding your desire and pretending to be indifferent to her. It’s about expressing your desire for her, but really being indifferent towards the outcome.

What I mean by this is that the woman Steve was flirting with that night in the bar knew that he found her sexually attractive, but she also got the impression that Steve was so used to be getting with women he found sexually attractive, that if she disappeared he would hardly notice she was gone. In the past I had always been so focused on expressing disinterest that I completely failed to get her interested in me in the first place. There could be no ‘chase’ if the woman isn’t chasing you. You are not a “challenge” if the woman isn’t intent on getting you.

In fact, it is your initial interest that makes a woman notice you. But it’s how YOU RESPOND when she reciprocates that interest that either ignites the chase or makes her think ‘I guess I was wrong about him… and he is hungry for my approval.’

“Here’s proof you can try for yourself!”

I have a simple exercise that I’d like you to try next time you’re out: As you’re talking to a woman and starting to sense some sort of flirtation or connection taking place, use a strong statement of desire for her. An easy way to do this is after she says something funny, you can look at her and say, “Now I’m really intrigued. You’re funny and incredibly sexy. You don’t find that too often.”

After you say this to the woman, go back to acting normal. Almost as if you never said it. In fact, if her friends are around begin chatting and flirting a bit with them. Don’t ignore her completely, but just enough to ignite the chase. What you’re going to find is that by putting that statement of desire out there, it greatly increases the amount of natural tension between you. And tension is known to amplify attraction.

The fact is, that expressing a “statement of intent” as Captain Jack refers to it during his training session on my “Conversation Escalation” program, is a crucial part of taking a conversation to a sexual level. For years I was brainwashed into believing that any expression of interest on my part was a sign that I was an Average Frustrated Chump.  But in the last few years I’ve really come to realize how important it is to express your sexual intent to a woman.

About Bobby Rio

I'm Bobby Rio, one of the founders of TSB. I tend to write about what is on my mind so you'll find a mix of self development, social dynamics and dating articles/experiences.  For a collection of some of my favorite articles check them out.

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  1. Decibel

    June 23, 2010 at 2:58 pm

    Yes absolutely true. The intent needs to be coupled with clarity (‘this is what i find attractive about you’, eg via qualifying like in your example) and nonneediness.
    I use some kind of playful direct statement… You have sexy elbows. You’re cute but totally the wrong altitude for me.
    This way she knows you’re into her but not taking things too seriously. And you aren’t fawning which IS AFC.

    • Bobby Rio

      June 23, 2010 at 10:34 pm

      nice.. i like that “you have sexy elbows” i’m totally stealing that!

  2. luicifer

    June 23, 2010 at 8:08 pm

    Mind blown!
    I’ve kind of been out of the game for a while (till recently was working on an oil rig in Congo. I got fed up with the oilfield and quit), but this article really clicked with me. I’m gonna have to try it out…

    • Bobby Rio

      June 23, 2010 at 10:35 pm

      An oil rig in congo? as in Africa? I need to hear more about what that was like….

      • Luicifer

        June 27, 2010 at 9:12 pm

        Well what can I tell you? There is no such thing as gaming in Congo, if you are foreign in Congo, women assume you are loaded so they literally throw themselves at you. It’s pretty amusing at first but it gets old quick, I guess that might be what hot chicks feel when guys are constantly hitting on them..

  3. This is a great little post here.

    I often see my students get confused between the nice guy tendencies and disinterest as you talked about at length here.

    The end of the article contains a gem of advice: express content but but outcome independent. If you display sexual intent but are not needy or creepy, it opens the door. You are saying, hey sex is on the table but if it doesn’t happen, no biggy, i get it enough.

    This pings so many levels of attraction for women its upsurd. Great advice here as usual.

    Boston Dating Coach ||

  4. Decibel

    June 24, 2010 at 5:13 pm

    Bobby…that’s my usual day game opener. During the nite I then kiss her elbow and if she offers up the other one it’s on. Also good callback opener while texting:
    OMG those sexxxy elbows…

  5. Jamal

    July 23, 2012 at 11:30 am

    Great, insightful, sensible advice as always!
    Thanks, Bobby!

  6. Ryan Black

    July 26, 2012 at 11:31 am

    Okay Bobby, your post and tips are at the “Teach me master level”, I am confident that you should be a keeper of an official playboy mansion key.
    Ok, now let’s go to the subject.
    So I have a school mate. I pretty texted my way outta the friendzone, now I have a date with her, I am planning to use my mainstream techinque: teasing, fun, teasing, connection, touchy mode…..But it ain’t that easy now. I was for a long time in the friendzone….Now I am with a foot in the friendzone and with the other foot in the bf-zone. So how should my statemant look….Idk for sure but I think that I will be afraid to say smth like “u’re sexy”…:D

    • Ryan Black

      July 26, 2012 at 3:15 pm

      eh, an ideea just hit me( I used to tease her for “being nerdy”- she isn’t, she’s smart, I’m just teasing ), so I thought smth like this will work: “so your’re nerdy and sexy – what planet u were sayin that you’re from?”

  7. Anonymous

    October 22, 2012 at 12:00 am

    This is a good post…I will put this into practice

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