The Secret Art of Listening
Even if it was a few years ago, I can still remember the feeling. A girl’s in front of you. She’s hot. You pretend you’re chatting her—but no one’s chatting. You’re just spewing words, vomiting sounds, speaking simply to hold her attention.
She allows this, for a moment. She is patient with you. You’ll never know this, but she wants you to win. She wants you to do the right thing. But you just keep spewing words, vomiting sounds, speaking because you know you’re starting to lose her attention.
She makes a comment. The comment is mundane. It’s something hardly worth repeating, probably not worth remembering. This comment will not find its way into the “field report” you’ll write on Monday; yet that comment is the skeleton key into her mind, her heart, her body.
If you listen, she’ll tell you exactly what you’re doing wrong, exactly how to fix it, exactly how to win. But I know why you won’t listen—why you can’t listen. I can still remember the feeling…
As much as hot women seem to have a gravitational field—an aura—that surrounds them, you have to listen. Most guys only “hear” the women they approach. And there’s a huge difference between hearing someone and listening to them. If you don’t know what that difference is, you’re in the right place because I’m going to explain it to you.
So listen up.
First, listen to me…then go out and listen to her. Because every time you stop spewing words, vomiting sounds, and speaking simply to hold her attention, she’ll drop a clue on how she wants you to proceed. Will you just hear her, or will you listen to her?
To keep things in the realm of the applicable, let’s “decode” some of the common things women say so you can understand what’s underneath the words. That way if you train yourself to listen, you can train yourself to understand exactly what she wants and needs.
I’m going to break down, piece-by-piece, a very common thing most guys will hear in the first couple minutes of a cold approach. I’m going to explain the pretext, subtext, context, and sexting (well…maybe not sexting) then I’m going to list similar phrases to listen for when interacting with women, and what they really mean.
“Why are you ______________?” (Examples: Why are you asking me this? Why are you talking to me?)
Often the first question asked is not who, what, where, or when—but why. If you’re doing a cold approach, initially women are most interested in your motivations. Let’s face it: a guy introducing himself to a stranger is not something normal people do. As such, there are only two types of people who do cold approaches: the totally fucking awesome and the totally fucking creepy (!).
This is no secret. Every attractive girl knows this and, unfortunately, they’ve seen way more of the “creepy” variety. So don’t fault her for her initial skepticism. And more importantly, don’t ignore it. Because she needs to determine that you are, in fact, fucking awesome.
So when you hear a woman flippantly ask you a “why” question, you know she’s really saying, “Let me see your motivation.” Well… just what is your motivation? If you’re a creepy pickup artist, then your motivation is probably impressing men on the internet with your amazing tales of back turns and frame control.
If, however, you’re like me and my friends, then your motivation is probably a two-fold quest of 1.) being totally awesome, and 2.) meeting some totally awesome babes. And since meeting awesome babes adds to your general awesomeness, you’re picking up two birds with one approach. (Sorry, the other expression about “killing two birds” just seemed too brutal for an article on listening to women!)
Now that we know what she wants—what’s under her words—how are we going to give it to her? Lots of guys would attempt to answer her question verbally, soliloquizing their awesome motivations. But we all know actions speak louder than words. So demonstrate your non-creepy, totally awesome motivations by bringing her into your party.
Show her you’re awesome and you want her to be part of that awesomeness. I know every girl I’ve met in the past year or so have happily entered my world—not the other way around. Rather than trying to prod her with questions in a feeble attempt to sneak into her party and her world, bring her into yours. This way, she’ll see your motivation through your stories, your sense of humor, your slick dance moves, your super cool friends, and your overall awesomeness. And all because you listened to what she said. You gave her what she wanted, without her directly asking for it.
Got it? Good. Here are more common phrases that most guys hear, but don’t listen to.
“I don’t even know you!” = She wants you to tone down the flirting and ramp up the realness. Get to know her.
“Are you going to buy me a drink?” = You’re coming across weak and backboneless. Start imposing boundaries and demonstrating your confidence.
“Slow down, we hardly know each other.” = She likes you, but you’re acting way too horny and aggressive. Slow down and chill.
“Some other guy said the same thing to me.” = You’re coming across like you’re nervous or in your head. If she’s calling you out for using a “line,” it’s probably not the line itself but your delivery. Breathe deep and enter the now.
“Do you do this a lot?” = She is impressed, but doesn’t feel special. Every girl wants to believe you’ve never done a cold approach in your life, but you were so moved by her beauty that somehow you know exactly what to do/say. (Hey, guys want to believe girls are into the stuff they see in porn films…so both genders are delusional.) Make her feel special and let her have her fantasy (and she may let you have yours).
“How do I know you’re not a psycho?” = She likes you and she’s busting your balls to see how you’re going to respond. Guess what: if she thought you were a psycho, she’d never say something like this. Guys often freak out when women say this and try to convince her of all the reasons they’re not psycho (which makes them look psycho.) Be cool and tell her about the bodies you have chopped up in your refrigerator. (Because if you really were a psycho, you’d never say something like this.)
“You’re not my type.” = Again, you she likes you and she’s busting your balls. If you really weren’t her type (or, more appropriately, weren’t a guy she’d feel attracted to) then she’d say, “I have to go to the bathroom” or give you the old “let’s just be friends” excuse. If a woman says this to you, she likes you but wants to see how you’ll react to her challenge. Flirt it off, champ.
So that’s a little “starter’s guide” to listening to women. All the “research” I did to write this article came from…wait for it…wait for it…LISTENING TO WOMEN! The list you should have in your own head about what women are actually saying should be 100X times as long as this one…and it should all be derived from your own experience, from listening to women.
So get out there. Chat up some ladies. And listen to what they’re saying!
>>>To Learn More From Rob, Check Out “The 4 Elements of Game” where he breaks down game into four simple adjustments.
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About Rob J. Rob J. is a writer and dating instructor in New York City. Themes that resonate in both his teaching and writing are masculinity, genuineness, rational self-interest, and general awesomeness.