Let’s Get Physical With Women: A Paradigm for Today’s Man
I remember back when I used a super secret codeword to describe touching women. Rather than acknowledge the power of sexualized touch, I sterilized it with the pickup community’s term for it: “kino.” To use a word like “kino” as a synonym for touching babes is like having sex in a full body biohazard suit; in both instances, you replace all the feeling (and fun) of the act for clinical safeness.
Shed the barriers you’re placing between you and women. Putting your hands on hot chicks doesn’t require a codeword—it requires a boner. As such, it’s equally important that you dispel the misconceptions the surround “the touch.” Smashing you through the glass ceiling of physicality has the potential of dramatically improving your interactions with women. So let’s get down to it.
The anxiety men feel before getting physical with women stems from one source: the “perfection paradigm.” The perfection paradigm is the “mental filter” guys use to guide their actions when picking up women. A glaring flaw of the “perfect paradigm” is this: fear social of friction causes guys to attempt to execute the “perfect pickup.” In other words, rather than expect some social friction, most guys try to avoid it.
If you’ve ever been “stuck in your head,” this is why. Ever wonder why community guys sometimes get worse after studying pickup material? It’s because much of the pickup community’s material is based on the “perfection paradigm.” The more material you study, the more you believe you can “perfect” your pickups.
Take it from a guy who’s been at this for years, picking up women is anything but perfect; in fact, if you ever pickup a woman “perfectly,” it probably means you did something wrong.
Rather than expect perfection, shift your paradigm: expect social friction. When Zack and I switched our pickup paradigm and started going to nightclubs expecting to get slapped or expecting to offend women, we started getting better results. Sure we encountered some friction along the way—but that’s where the real game is played.
To boil it down to a mantra:
Meeting women in a genuine way is about doing what you want, when you want, with the girl you want; genuine “game” is about tactfully handling the social friction you encounter when you do what you want, when you want, with the girl you want.
Notice: the game only begins when she puts the brakes on your intentions. Until then, there’s no need to apply any sort of formal “game.” Just do and say whatever you feel without filter. Inevitably you’re going to do or say something offensive—and that’s when it becomes “game time.”
Notice how this new paradigm differs from game circa 2005. In the past, men were advised to pickup women reactively: don’t phase shift until you see 3 IOIs, demonstrate value before escalating, etc. Even if the labels change—from indirect to direct, from routine-based to natural—the paradigm remains the same.
The vast majority of pickup literature advocates a “ready, aim, fire” approach; I’m advising you to do the inverse of that: “fire, aim, ready.” Sure it might not sound as pretty as the old paradigm, nor is it as intuitive, nor does it cater to cowards who crave “perfection” so as not to disrupt their narcissistic egos, yet it’s what I’ve found to work in reality.
Trust me: I have a narcissistic ego myself and I don’t enjoy social friction, yet I know (firsthand) that social friction is necessary when picking up women. The game is played in damage control; it’s not played walking on eggshells, trying to appease people and get it “perfect.” If you want to practice game proper, go out to a nightclub and do whatever the fuck you want, and then handle the consequences.
(Disclaimer: If you’re a psycho, please don’t take my advice. Please only “do whatever the fuck you want” if your intentions fall within the bell curve of normal behavior, which I will address in the final section below.)
I know some readers think I just gave you license to act like a barbarian pillaging a nightclub. You may think I’m condoning—even encouraging—groping women and saying offensive shit. I’m not—at all. I’m telling you to treat attractive women as if they were all your longtime girlfriends. When I see my girlfriend, I don’t grope her or say offensive things to her—I respect her and I respect myself.
But I also don’t hesitate to put my arms around, to whisper in her ear, to tell her how I really feel about things. We sometimes disagree on things, but c’est la vie. I don’t avoid those moments of friction—I enjoy them. It gives me an opportunity to demonstrate my charisma, a.k.a, my “game.”
Get over you anxiety about getting physical with women by getting over yourself. It’s not about being “perfect”—the old paradigm. It’s about acting in alignment with your honest intentions. If you’re approaching an attractive woman, your honest intention is intimacy with her, right? So why hide it? Show her how you feel by doing what you want. When she doesn’t like it, you’ll deal with it. In fact, you’ll enjoy dealing with it. And that, my friends, is how the real game is played.
>>>To Learn More From Rob, Check Out “The 4 Elements of Game” where he breaks down game into four simple adjustments.
About Rob J. Rob J. is a writer and dating instructor in New York City. Themes that resonate in both his teaching and writing are masculinity, genuineness, rational self-interest, and general awesomeness.