Who Loves Alpha Males? (The Answer May Keep You Out Of Jail)
You probably believe in an unfortunate stereotype. If you’re reading this, you’re probably familiar with the men’s dating niche. So you probably know what an “alpha male” is, and you understand what it means to “act alpha.”
Often we think “alpha males” are guys who do what they want, when they want. They’re the irreverent wild men who play by their own rules, embody the “bad boy” attitude, command respect from all they encounter, and yet are still somehow lovable and admired. In other words, they’re the glorified high school bully—you know: the “too-cool-for-school” jock whose day-to-day teenage existence is an equal mix of popularity, stupidity, and being feared.
In other words, the “alpha male” is the guy we wished we all were back in high school. I can only speak from personal experience, but I certainly was not particularly popular, stupid, or feared in high school. In fact, my teenage years were fairly nondescript, studious, and unintimidating.
Back then, I remember seeing hulking baseball players beat up lesser nerds than myself and disrespectfully bark at girls, and I remember thinking, “Well, I guess that’s attractive behavior…” According to logic it makes sense: guy acts like an asshole > guy is desired by every girl in school > guy’s behavior must be attractive. That “logic” isn’t necessarily wrong, but what the dating advice industry says about that behavior IS wrong.
According to the dating advice industry, that guy isn’t “acting like an asshole”; instead, his behavior is “alpha.” The roughneck traits of the high school bully are deified by the dating advice industry as the secret ingredients of the “alpha male.” It’s as if these dating instructors have Stockholm syndrome and vindicate the pricks that made their teenage years a living hell by claiming this behavior is attractive to women.
And, in some regards, these dating instructors are right—there are a certain group of women who find the “jock/bully/alpha male’s” behavior attractive, which are girls under the age of 18. Unless you’re trolling for jail bait, acting “alpha” will not attract quality adult women. Sorry Neil Strauss, but if it worked on the playground, it doesn’t mean it will still work today. Act your age you immature dumbass—and take off that feather boa while you’re at it, too.
So if you’re beasting your brains out or acting like the alpha male you never got to be in high school, stop. Immediately. There’s a better way to be attractive to women…
You shouldn’t care what people think …
The only “alpha trait” that I agree is helpful in meeting women is that you should not care what people think of you. Although, I completely disagree that you should act in a manner that disregards other people’s feelings. Whenever I get a message or an email from some guy who wants to know the “perfect way” to steal someone’s girlfriend, or to degrade competing guys, or to “vaporize her female friends” (yes, that’s a direct quote from a Facebook message I recently received), I can’t help but feel disgusted.
To go out with an agenda to “destroy people”—even if those people are AMOGs or cock-blocks—is going out with the exact same attitude as the high school bully. Whenever you aggressively hit on women to the point of being offensive, you’re resorting to a bully tactic. You’re trying to use intimidation and your “I-don’t-give-a-fuck” attitude to shoehorn your way into her pants. You may be acting “alpha” but you sure ain’t acting attractive.
Rather than being a beast, concentrate on being a human—an attractive human. People’s feelings do matter. Call me sappy, but it’s true. Like I said before, if you want to have mature relationships with adult females, you need to start acting like a mature adult male. Running around a nightclub “doing what you want, when you want” is not attractive to anyone over the age of 17. Don’t let the ghosts of some insecure pickup instructor’s adolescence poison your interactions today. Stop trying to act alpha, and instead focus on what’s attractive.
Tempting as it is to end on that note, I don’t just want to criticize the myth of the alpha male without offering an alternative. Because there is a code of behavior that’s attractive to women, and which doesn’t involve you acting like a glorified bully. That code of behavior is a two-part formula that goes something like this:
“Her opinion of you is none of your business” + “Empathy” = “Winning!®”
®Copyright Charlie Sheen, 2011
While her opinion of you doesn’t matter—and you shouldn’t harp on it for so much as a split second—how you make her feel does matter. Keep in mind, your entire goal in approaching women is to attract them. It isn’t to “not give a fuck,” or “to be the party,” or “to act alpha.” If your end goal is to attract women, why go off on a bizarre tangent?
Don’t be an “alpha male”. Instead, be a guy who’s loved by women—and women over the age of 18.
>>>To Learn More From Rob, Check Out “The 4 Elements of Game” where he breaks down game into four simple adjustments.
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About Rob J. Rob J. is a writer and dating instructor in New York City. Themes that resonate in both his teaching and writing are masculinity, genuineness, rational self-interest, and general awesomeness.