When You Open Your Mouth, Have a Purpose
Man. I wish I had written this article 3 or 4 years ago…for myself! One of my biggest challenges just a few years back was effective speaking. Now, “effective speaking” doesn’t necessarily mean having great jokes, great banter lines, or even “something to say.” While important, I actually think that stuff is easier to learn than effective speaking.
And that’s because effective speaking doesn’t really involve words at all.
Confused? You should be. When most guys work on conversation skills or banter lines, they work on technique: what to say, the delivery of what’s said, and when to say it. Again, while those are all important things to know, rarely does one consider WHY they’re saying what they say.
This leads to some of the most common—and most frustrating—pitfalls for most guys who study dating advice: they become dancing moneys; they accidentally offend women; they come off weird or creepy; or they ruin an otherwise great interactions not because of WHAT they said, but rather because of WHY they said it.
Chances are that you’ve made one of these mistakes before. And if you’ve NEVER considered WHY you say what you say, then you’ve DEFINITELY made these mistakes—and worse, you’re going to KEEP making them.
So listen up.
Most guys blindly assume that their only purpose when talking to a woman is to “get her attracted” or “seduce her.” While that’s obviously your objective when talking to attractive women, it isn’t your purpose. In fact, if you mistake “attraction” or “seduction” for your purpose, you’re manipulative. You’re trying to use what you say as a means to an end.
Conversations don’t work like that.
When you speak with someone, the conversation is an end in itself. While I’d never criticize a guy for wanting to meet, attract, and form romantic relationships with women, I would criticize him for actively trying to achieve that outcome.
A woman’s decision to like you, date you, or sleep with you is really none of your business. You have no control over her decision. You can only say what you want to say, do what you want to do, and act how you want to act. Then you stand back, and you let the chips fall where they may.
“But Rob,” you may be wondering, “Isn’t that just as meaningless as when someone tells me, ‘Just be yourself’? If what you’re saying is true, then why do I need you—a dating instructor—to tell me what I want to say, what I want to do, and how I want to act?”
Great question; let me explain…
As I’ve said time and again, “just being yourself” IS the best way to meet and attract women. Your genuine personality is the most potent aphrodisiac you have when interacting with women—although, I’d remove the “just” from the phrase “just being yourself.” Being yourself isn’t always easy. It’s not something you can “just” do. Weird as it sounds, it does actually takes practice and instruction.
The reason “being yourself” isn’t “just” as easy as it sounds is because you have toxic expectations, assumptions, and beliefs that distort who you really are. Throw a hot girl in the mix, and that distortion is magnified 10-fold.
This brings us back to where we started: effective speaking. While most guys think they’re “being themselves” when speaking with a hot women, they’re actually speaking in a way that’s anything but themselves. As they speak, they’re desperately trying to fit their sentences into a way that’s “attractive”.
Every heterosexual guy does this, no matter if he’s studied dating advice or not. The only difference is that guys who haven’t studied dating advice desperately try to fit sentences into a way that they think is attractive to the girl (usually from what they see in the media or the advice their moms gave them); whereas guys who have studied dating advice desperately try to fit sentences into a way that a dating guru told them is attractive to the girl.
Both roads lead straight into the pitfalls I mentioned earlier: looking like a dancing money, coming off creepy, or ruining otherwise good interactions. It’s manipulative, which anything but attractive.
Now that you understand what’s not attractive, let’s define what is. Communicating attractively with women simply means stripping all the toxic expectations, assumptions, and beliefs from what you say. While we don’t have time to explain how to do all of that, I can give you one exercise to get you started.
Go out to a public place—a mall, a restaurant or café, or even on the street. Wait until you see a girl you find to be very attractive. Once you spot her, think of what you want to say to her (go with the first thing that pops into your head).
Now consider what came to mind based on what you’re about to do: you’re going to walk over to the girl, say what you want to say to her, and then walk away. You’re not trying to start a conversation. You’re not trying to get her phone number. You’re not even trying to get her attracted. You’re simply communicating with a hot girl in a way that’s “being yourself.”
Knowing that, do you want to reconsider what you say to her now?
Notice how once you separate your “objective” from your “purpose,” what you want to say changes. What you say is no longer manipulation—it has become effective speaking. You’re communicating genuinely, which, like we said, is the most potent aphrodisiac you have when interacting with women.
But don’t take my word for it—prove it to yourself. Don’t be another guy who just reads these articles but never actually tries any of the advice. Do the exercise. Today.
Once you understand how it feels to “be yourself”, remember it. And then, the next time you’re interacting with an attractive woman, consider: if all I could do is say what I’m about to say, and then the conversation ended, would I still say it? This allows you to separate your “objective” from your “purpose”. It’s how you’ll always come off attractive.
It’s how you’ll always “be yourself.”
>>>To Learn More From Rob, Check Out “The 4 Elements of Game” where he breaks down game into four simple adjustments.
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About Rob J. Rob J. is a writer and dating instructor in New York City. Themes that resonate in both his teaching and writing are masculinity, genuineness, rational self-interest, and general awesomeness.