Rapport: The Curious Superpower of Josh Pellicer
I met him right before I got up to speak in front of the conference.
Usually when I talk to other speakers or dating instructors at these events, we exchange the unexciting pleasantries you’d probably expect. The “I-really-liked-your-speech” type stuff, then we say “stay in touch,” even though we know we never will. If it weren’t so routine maybe we’d realize how ironically cliché it is, especially considering what we’re speaking about.
But most of the time we don’t mind, we dating instructors. Life’s just simpler this way.
But, speaking to Josh Pellicer before I dashed on stage to speak, something struck me. I wasn’t sure if it was him, the situation, or just the way I felt that morning. But he’d left enough of an impression on me that I agreed to grab drinks with him a few days later—something I very rarely do with anyone in this industry.
Later that week, me, Josh, and my business partner, Zack Bauer, sat down to have drinks. After we bantered for a bit and griped about the industry, Josh stated—pointblank—why he stuck out from most other nondescript dating instructors: “I focus on one thing that no one else really talks about,” he told us, “I focus on rapport.”
My initial gut reaction was, “Boring!” As someone who’s spent the better part of my 20’s entrenched in bars and nightclubs honing my ability to quickly pickup women, I—like most guys—am more concerned with attraction. To me, rapport always seemed like stuff you could hear from Dr. Phil or those lame “relationship” books written by ivy tower psychologists.
Although, what Josh said next popped the “BORING!” thought bubble that lingered over my head. In fact, it changed my mind so much that I harassed him until he agreed to elaborate what he said with an interview.
Josh had said, “You can attract a woman in 45 seconds to a minute. However, you can continue to establish rapport with her for a lifetime.” He explained that the majority of guys he’s coached during his distinguished career as an instructor have wanted to learn “attraction tactics.” Most of these guys are chasing a mirage: they believe attraction is their “sticking point” with women, when it’s actually their inability to establish rapport.
“Attraction isn’t a versatile skill,” he clarified. “You can teach any guy the same gimmicks or techniques to create attraction. Rapport, however, is where a guy can actually use his personality. It’s a unique moment with a girl.”
Put simply, rapport is what Josh believes separates the guys who are “good” from the guys who are “great” with women.
Josh pointed out how prior attempts by the dating industry have failed to teach men how to create rapport. “A lot of these techniques fake rapport,” he said, “It leaves women feeling betrayed.” If this sounds trivial, Josh warns that “whoever she believes you are when you’re establishing rapport, that’s going to be the person that she develops feeling for—even falls in love with. So you really shouldn’t fake that. This is one time when ‘being yourself’ really works best.”
Josh had a two-step formula for quick establishing rapport with women. First, he advises you qualify a woman to see if she’s attracted. How a woman responds to a qualifier (i.e., a question about herself like, “Do you like to travel?”) will gauge her attraction level to you.
If she responds favorably, Josh advocates using what he calls a “self-fulfilling prophesy qualifier,” which is telling you like a quality about her, even if you’re not sure she possess that quality. For example, you might say, “You know what I like about you…you’re open to trying new things.”
Now even if you’re not sure if she’s into trying new things, by saying it, you set her up to “live up to” your expectations. Josh believes this will make women much more open to you. It also makes a woman believe that you like her more than just because “she’s hot.”
Once you’ve established your “self-fulfilling prophecy,” next you want to play on memories. Josh has found this to be extremely effective for bonding with women. In Josh’s experience, the best memory to bring up with a woman is “your most embarrassing moment.”
Josh warns that often women won’t be ready to reveal their most embarrassing moment, so you should be ready to share your most embarrassing moment first. For Josh, he reveals an innocent story from his childhood when a carton of milk exploded all over him in front of the lunch room.
These sorts of stories may seem trivial, but Josh maintains that they get women feeling comfortable with you. And that’s why Josh includes a final caveat to never, ever lie during rapport. As already mentioned, whoever she thinks you are when you’re developing rapport with her, will be the person she “falls in love with”.
If she falls in love with anyone other than yourself, she’s essentially been betrayed.
About Rob J. Rob J. is a writer and dating instructor in New York City. Themes that resonate in both his teaching and writing are masculinity, genuineness, rational self-interest, and general awesomeness.