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Why Your Conversations Are Failing, Part II

Now that we understand that 60% of those failed interactions happen for reasons that have nothing to do with us and are completely out of our control, we’ve still have a very large 40% left in that pie. Fortunately for us, that generous portion is what we we do have control over, and make no mistake about it, that 40% is powerful. Sure, there are certainly times when a woman is beyond your influence, however if your 40% is rocking on all cylinders then a woman will have to be in as bad a mood as humanly possible not to be warmed by your charm.

For simplicity’s sake, I like to divide that 40% right down the  middle: 20/20.

That first 20% is typically what you think of when you think about your conversation deficiencies. Basically, you’re actively turning her off, either because you’re saying the wrong things or not saying the right things.

First of all, I want to highlight the fact that getting over this conversational hump accounts for only 20% of why that interaction succeeds or fails – it’s important to keep things in perspective. At the same time though, this 20% certainly can kill an opportunity, so it’s important that we take a look.

Keep that mouth shut

The interesting thing about this ever-challenging 20% is that the solution is often the opposite of what you’d think it would be, and usually not the answer you want. The problem is that most guys are looking for a what-to-say, and while you certainly do have to say things, they’re thinking about it from a standpoint of, “if I say the ‘right thing’ she’ll become more attracted to me, or she’ll ‘hook’”. This type of thinking can and will sabotage any chance you have with that woman.

I know that my above assertion spits in the face of the majority of advice that is currently out there, but the majority of that advice reeks of incongruity. In one breath you’ll be told not to be reaction seeking, and in the next you’re instructed to say specific things in order to get a specific reaction – one of those pieces of advice is correct…

The idea that we can initially make a woman more attracted to us by being funny, charming, witty, clever, etc, is certainly a seductive and incredibly common fallacy, but it’s a fallacy nonetheless.

In reality, a woman isn’t initially attracted to you because of how funny, charming, or interesting you are, but rather how funny, charming, or interesting you find them. With everyone else, we’re not trying to impress them and thus our conversations flow just fine (unless their 60% is off). As soon as we value a woman and start trying, all of a sudden our results go straight to hell. One of our brilliant female instructors put it best when she said: it’s better to be interested than interesting.

How do you do this? For starts, and I mean this kindly, shut your mouth! If you find yourself doing a solid majority of talking, it’s over. With that eighty year old woman there’s a nice even exchange – in fact if I know eighty year old women, she’s doing the majority of the talking ;).

The thing is, all women love talking, the problem is that the ones you like seldom seem to live up to this stereotype, mainly because you’re never giving them the opportunity to talk. You’re afraid (maybe not consciously) that if you let the conversation go she won’t pick it back up, and you fill the slightest hint of silence, unknowingly cutting her off on occasion, and hoping that the next thing you say is going to be the one that wins her over. Meanwhile, she’s wondering why the guy she was initially attracted to is trying so hard and acting as if he has to do something to win her over, as if he wasn’t already enough. Poor girl, she has to find a guy that doesn’t think he needs a performance for a woman to be attracted to him.

To put it another way, when you value a person, one of the most common mistakes you make is thinking that your job as a man and leader in a conversation is to fill the conversation with substance, with the laughs, with the entertainment, with the color. That’s a lot of pressure for even the most charming and clever individuals to live up to, and ironically is an especially common (and damaging) mistake among the most charming and clever guys.

In reality, our job as men and as leaders is simply to give a conversation its structure, its framework. It is, was, and always will be the unique and amazing gift of a woman to fill that conversation with beauty life, beauty, and energy that the most charismatic men cannot even hope to replicate on their best days.

The next time you feel the urge to jump in with the perfect line that you know will kill them, save it, and simply say: “that’s really interesting, how was that?” After all, that was your natural reaction when you were chatting with the 80 year old at the bus stop, and when you do the same thing with the beautiful woman who makes your heart race you shouldn’t be too surprised when her response is similarly warm.

In Part III, we tackle the final piece of the puzzle.

Click Here to Get Nick’s 35 Page “Becoming Fearless” Free report.  Learn the six signs of fear that cause her female intuition to shut you out, and what to do instead.

 

 

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About Nick Sparks Nick Sparks is a professional social and dating coach located in the New York area. His specialties include building genuine and lasting confidence, removing barriers of fear and self doubt in the face of women and social situations, and helping men gain self acceptance and power through unleashing of their sexuality. He's taught hundreds of clients to become genuinely confident, fearless and charming since 2008, and is known for his direct, highly sexual style of game Check out Sparks of Attraction.

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