What’s Wrong With Expressing Your Attraction?
I received this question not too long ago:
“Alright Nick, I’ve got a question for you: why is it that women get so annoyed when you comment on another woman’s beauty? I can’t help my God-given attraction for them, why do they tend to take it so personally?”
This is such a fantastic question – more complicated than it initially appears – that I had to answer it in an article.
Why do some women get offended when we express our desire for other women when it’s a totally natural phenomenon that we have no control over? The complication arises here because, while on the surface it appears we’re talking about one thing, in reality there are two separate things that society often confuses.
On one hand there is a superficial attraction toward physical beauty – somewhat subjective depending on the fashions of the period – and on the other hand you’ve got that innate draw toward another human being. While the latter is certainly affected by physical appearance, there’s much more to it than that.
In this light it become more clear why women would be turned off by men’s outward displays of excitement over purely physical characteristics of women. The obvious first reason is that women have been comparing themselves to women in magazines since they can remember. No matter how beautiful they are, no woman can ever compare to the airbrushed works of fiction idealized in those magazines. It’s rare for a woman to escape this bombardment without some insecurity that men find ridiculous (I hate my elbows) and when men get excited over those fictitious images it can serve to reinforce those insecurities.
Secondly, when men champion those purely physical signs of desirability, it seems to almost conflict with the importance of that innate drive toward the totality of another human being – or it at least implies that natural attraction isn’t as important as having a girl that looks “hot”. This doesn’t pick at a woman’s insecurities as much as it causes her to lose respect for us. It paints us as shallow individuals who are blinded by a nice face or body and whose standards when it comes to personality or her being a decent person are non-existent. Do women sometime get a bit over-sensitive about this stuff even when a guy isn’t being superficial or shallow? Sure, but given the over-abundance of superficial messages when it comes to womens’ appearance and the fact that we tend to care more about looks in relation to everything else than women, you can understand why.
In light of this perspective, you can express your natural desire for a woman in a way that other women are perfectly alright with. One of the first things that we truly have to internalize to get this right is that physical beauty really isn’t that big of a deal – in fact it’s quite common. It’s one thing to admire natural beauty in a woman or a flower, it’s another thing to blow it out of proportion in relation to the rest of the beauty in the world. There are a billion pretty girls out there, and if you’re not seeing that then your neediness for one of them will most certainly be another reason those women are turned off – and I may have to suggest taking a program.
The other mindset to be aware of is that natural chemistry and attraction really is a special thing. Yes, blood has to rush to your pants when you’re around her, but do you feel comfortable with her, does the conversation flow without effort, does she accept you for who you are, do the two of you just “click”? That’s the sort of thing that doesn’t happen every day.
If you’re just going crazy over every “hot” girl that your eyes fall upon, you’re not expressing either of the above mindsets and most women will become annoyed and/or turned off by you. If you realize that physical beauty is wonderful, but only a small part of the puzzle and save your expressions of desire for those rare times when there is something more – than the woman in your life will respect you more, be more turned on by you, and be more than alright with you vocalizing that desire. Hell, they’ll even try to hook you up.
About Nick Sparks Nick Sparks is a professional social and dating coach located in the New York area. His specialties include building genuine and lasting confidence, removing barriers of fear and self doubt in the face of women and social situations, and helping men gain self acceptance and power through unleashing of their sexuality. He's taught hundreds of clients to become genuinely confident, fearless and charming since 2008, and is known for his direct, highly sexual style of game Check out Sparks of Attraction.