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Why PUAs Are My Toughest Clients

It’s actually rare that I’m challenged these days. You work with me, you get your social life (including your life with women) handled. You never have to worry about it again. Period.


While it’s usually easy for me to deliver on this promise (I take my 100% success rate very personally) – every once in awhile I do face a more challenging client. Keep in mind, these challenges never come in the form of physical limitations. I’ve worked with short guys, guys with stutters, guys in their fifties, guys who are blind, and guys with Aspergers. Hell, give me any physical limitation commonly thought to hold a guy’s social and dating life back and I barely bat an eyelash. Those aren’t my tough clients.

The only challenges that I ever face come when a guy has negative beliefs that he is unwilling to let go of. While this can happen to anyone, the category of guys that most consistently challenges even my perfect record, is what’s known as the Pickup Artist, or “PUA”. Most well known from the VH1 show by the same name, these are the guys most well known for dressing ridiculously and using scripted lines to talk to girls. While it would be incredibly easy to write this phenomenon off as a sideshow, there’s a surprising number of guys who buy into their philosophies – even if they’re not wearing a feathered boa. Unfortunately it’s gotten to the point where I’ve begun screening these guys out of my program, and thus this article needs to be written.

It’s not even the weird, technical language such as “set” and “HB8” they use to separate themselves from the rest of society, dehumanizes women, and creeps out any normal human being within earshot – that’s an easy fix – stop talking like a weirdo. Rather, the PUA subculture has two beliefs which are almost ingrained into their being that directly contradict what teach. Keep in mind, there are plenty of guys who use that acronym to describe themselves for whatever reason who don’t have these mindsets, but from what I’ve observed it really does pertain to the majority, at least among their representatives with which I’ve worked.

The first sabotaging belief that they hold to their core is that women, especially beautiful women have a higher value than they do. They put these women on a pedestal and then believe that they somehow have to win them over, or say things that actively demonstrate their own value in order to level the playing field. If a woman isn’t in the mood to talk, it isn’t because she’s in a bad mood, it’s because they said or did the wrong thing.

Any woman reading this immediately knows how crazy this sounds. Ninety nine percent of women, regardless of beauty, would trade places with a man in a heartbeat. The most beautiful women know that there’s always a prettier girl, and it’s only a matter of time before their looks fade. All but the most superficial know that’s not real value, and they all know that a man, or anyone with true confidence is rare, and is the highest source of “value” in a social situation.

The second limiting belief that will forever make PUA’s my most difficult clients is that it’s what you say – specifically how funny or clever what you say is – that best displays your value and will get a woman, or anyone to like you. What else would you expect from a culture that says, “here are some clever things to say, this is how you get her to like you”.

Women, once again, are right with me on this one because the most common complaint they have in regards to man is, “he’s not listening to me, he’s just waiting for his turn to talk”. PUA’s exemplify this as they desperately try to say the “right thing” searching for the most clever joke they can make that they’re sure will get the girls to be more response. The thing is, you can say the most clever thing in the world and if you weren’t fully listening to every last word she said because you couldn’t wait to try to impress her – she won’t respond well. Meanwhile, if you really pay attention to everything she said, and make some dumb joke that shows you were really paying attention, she’ll laugh as though you’re the funniest man alive. What you say matters only as far as it shows you’re really listening to her.

It’s not complicated, but this combination of thinking they need to impress women and feeling that the words coming out of their mouth are the way to do it lead to guys running around like tap-dancing monkeys, spitting out line after line hoping that the next one is the one that “hooks the set”. Ultimately though, even though they sometimes find a girl who will hook up with them despite their cluelessness, most women are wondering why he’s trying so hard, the guys are frustrated because they’re usually putting in way more effort than they’re getting in return, and they’re dissatisfied with their lack of consistency and the ultimate knowledge that they’re doing something wrong.

Like I said, if you want to believe these things, go right ahead, and good luck. Just know that these beliefs are the reason why you’ll always feel like you’re missing something, and the reason why I’ll refer you to another program.

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About Nick Sparks Nick Sparks is a professional social and dating coach located in the New York area. His specialties include building genuine and lasting confidence, removing barriers of fear and self doubt in the face of women and social situations, and helping men gain self acceptance and power through unleashing of their sexuality. He's taught hundreds of clients to become genuinely confident, fearless and charming since 2008, and is known for his direct, highly sexual style of game Check out Sparks of Attraction.

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