How I Destroy the Friend Zone
Since I’ve gone headlong into my 30’s I’ve acquired a lot more female friends than I did in the past. In fact, I’d say about 50% of my social circle are females, which is cool. The not cool part of that equation is that I still get friend zoned by chicks I want to bang sometimes, and it sucks just as much now as it did back in the day.
Here’s how I deal with it. Firstly, I have a good long conversation with myself to see if I really want the responsibility of banging a chick that is already a friend. That can have a ripple affect across my entire social circle and usually it’s not worth it.
The second thing is I’m always dating chicks outside of my social circle, so it’s no biggee if I get friend zoned. In fact, it’s great, because I like having female friends.
The one circumstance I come across is when I develop feelings for a friend who is deep in my social circle and I want to get into a relationship with her. At this point, it’s now worth my effort to take it to another level.
My approach is pretty standard friend-zone-destroyer-technique, but here’s how I go about it. I start by establishing physical touching (aka kino) early and often…in fact, I always flirt and kino my attractive female friends, even if I have no intention of banging them. I do this lightly and just give them affection because that’s what girls like, and it causes them to feel good in your presence even if it’s just a friend relationship. It also keeps the door open in case you want to leave the friend zone. This is critical for smoothing the route towards destroying the friend zone.
Since touching and flirting is already established, I’ll throw the switch one day and start flirting for real and establishing a sexual frame. This is the big turning point, because you’re causing her to consider you as a sexual partner, whereas before she did not. THIS CAN BE JARRING, so I try to ease into it with some sexual framing via text message. I’ll send funny but suggestive texts and use apps like Snapchat to send pictures. I don’t send naked pics or other overly suggestive material, but I do look for content that is funny…think something you might share over Facebook. In fact, I use Facebook a lot to flirt with chicks.
Next, I’ll get her to go out with me one-on-one. Usually this is really simple, like hey let’s meet for drinks after work. One meetup I use a lot is “hey, you should make me dinner tonight.” That only works if I’ve clearly directed us out of the friendzone and she’s receptive. If not, I get shot down, which is okay too. If she actually does make me dinner, then it’s pretty easy to close the deal. The thing about the dinner line is it’s a clear signal to her that you’re interested in something beyond friendship.
A note about getting shot down. I have no problem getting shot down while attempting to smash the friend zone because it NEVER ruins the original friendship. It’s very easy take a shot and keep things as they were and chalk it up to you were drunk or sometime.
What I try to avoid doing is having a “heart-to-heart” conversation with her where I profess my feelings of undying love. Unless she’s already thinking about you as a sex partner, it won’t work, because you’re walled in as a friend. You’ve got to flirt and escalate and frame just like if she’s was a brand new chick you met last night.
About Lance Lance is a tech geek by day, social artist and fitness enthusiast by night. He specializes in relationships in real life situations, such as workplace and in business, and his goal is to create high value social circles filled with opportunity. For more on his dating and relationship perspective, check out his blog honeyandlance.com