How to Fight Fair Without Ruining Your Relationship
Fights are inevitable in relationships, but how you handle the aftermath is going to determine whether you get stronger as a couple or start falling apart. Here are some ways to get her to forgive you quickly so you can both move on with your day.
It’s easy to go off about annoying small things that happen but if you or your girl aren’t aware of where the intensity of the emotion is coming from than it can make things even more confusing. Maybe it’s not actually that she got lipstick on the comforter but that she never helps out with the laundry or the dishes and small trigger set you off. When you know why you feel something it is much easier to handle
There’s a huge difference between communicating and totally blowing up. When we get angry the physical changes in our body can make it really challenging to remain totally rational. The best way to avoid saying things that you might regret later is to physically remove yourself from the situation until you can cool down. If you can’t go anywhere, taking some deep breaths is crucial.
Whether she’s the angry party or just responding to what you had to say, fake listening isn’t going to help, and neither is being so defensive that you can’t listen. You might feel right all the time but it’s all about perspective. Even if you don’t agree with her you should do what you can to suspend judgement on her thought process and try to imagine where she’s coming from.
Then take it one step further and actually express to her that you understand where she’s coming from even if you still don’t agree with the sentiment. It’s easier to formulate a response that will get heard if you can make it clear that you’re hearing her as well.
Everyone knows that you’re never supposed to go to bed angry, but sometimes it’s acceptable to press pause on a argument and continue it the next day. If you find yourselves going around in circles as the night gets later you might be better off agreeing to cool down and restart the conversation in the morning.
Besides getting a chance to sleep on it, hitting the pause button also means you can do some cuddling or whatever else and get some bonding oxytocin flowing. Just be sure to readdress the issue in the light of day otherwise it will start to build resentment and just come up again at another time.
In the heat of the moment a lot of strange things can come out of your mouth, but do what you can to leave the name calling out of it. Name calling is playing dirty because it serves no purpose except to pull power, but you already know that doesn’t help in the long term.
Perhaps one of the most important parts of fighting fair is just letting things go. Of course reaching a common ground is crucial, but you certainly won’t be able to win every fight and not letting that drive you crazy means you have to just let some of it go.
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About Kate Ferguson Kate Fergus is a Los Angeles local and freelance writer for a variety of blogs and online magazines. When she's not writing, the UC Davis graduate is focused on pursuits of the entertainment industry, spin class, and hot sauce.