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Ten Signs Your Friend is a Terrible Wingman

10. He keeps staring at your target; basically saying “my friend wants to lay your tile”

You spent all night proving to the hottest girl on the dance team that she isn’t as cool as she thinks she is and you are indeed the man.  You have her half a drink and one giggle away from dropping her Bebe thong on your floor and like a bat out of hell, she hits the brakes.  “Is that your friend?” You try to brush it off and shift gears, but she insists that he’s a creeper.  Although it has nothing to do with you and your replacement for your right hand for the night, you were just hit with a roadblock.  There is always that one shit-head in the group who gets a kick out of watching you pick up girls.  Come on man…this is college…

9. He refuses to defuse the cock block

You and him have been over it a million times, the wingman always jumps on the grenade. You’ve spun shit into gold for him but apparently it’s one favor he can’t return. Because of him neither of you will be getting laid;  what’s worse is he’ll act like it’s your fault like somehow you fucked up when you give him the evil eye as your potential target and cockblock turn on their heels and walk away.

8. He tries way too hard

Dude! Just keep casual conversation and be there for me.  Why the hell are you talking about sex when she’s telling us about some class.  Simmer down and just go with the flow.

7. He smells

This can go one of two ways. He can either smell too good or too bad. Too good in the sense that he bathed in cologne, enough to choke out a horse. The alternate of course, is supremely worse. You’re hitting it off well with your target, and who knows maybe even your wingman is doing good on his promise. She’s rubbing your leg asking to go back to your place, but cock block pulls her aside and whispers in her ear something to the tune of “his friend smells like a dead fish, so he must too”. Even if you scrubbed yourself raw before going out, your friend’s hygiene habit (or lack thereof) has screwed you. Hard. Harder than your target was going to.

6. He is Inattentive/borderline ADD

If your wingman really does have ADD, then you should play it to your advantage when he goes chasing after a squirrel. Chicks dig guys who can put up with the mentally handicapped, it shows they have patience. Wingmen are supposed to save their pilots (i.e. if they forget a crucial piece of info the wingman should be there to help him out) but an apathetic one can land both of you in the no-vag ranch quicker than you can say any one syllable word.

5. He won’t play ball

He’s just being a poor sport. Either the cock block is too ugly, too fat, breathes out of her mouth… the list of excuses can go on. He seems to forget that the number one rule of being a wingman is support for you, the pilot. He thinks the show is about him tonight, and he’s sadly mistaken. This presents a problem because you want to return the favor by messing up his game when he spots a woman that tickles his fancy. While this is equal payback, two wrongs don’t make a right. Especially if those wrongs lead you to browsing 4tube.com that night.

4. He’s Too Drunk

Yes, being drunk is good. That 7.5 with chunky legs just turned into an 8.9 with a thick body. But when your wingman is too drunk, hilarity and disaster can/will ensue. He takes one too many drinks, and the gloves come off. He may be subjected to being cussed out or even slapped in the face because he just told the cock block her thighs look like cottage cheese. He gets extra points if he manages to vomit on the cock block or your target. The upside of this, is it makes for a great story.

3. He Isn’t Drunk Enough

This comes under the “he won’t play ball” reason. For some reason your wingman won’t drink, or drink enough to loosen up and be a good wingman. He’s being tighter than the vagina you hope your target has, and it spells trouble for you. If the night is young it’s understandable for him not to be smashed, but at least tipsy. Tipsy enough to get the ball rolling.

2. He’s being a menace/creeper

He isn’t leering at your target or the cock block, but he’s just giving off this “I touch children with my tongue” vibe. It could be his body language, or the jokes about rape and necrophilia that only good buddies can laugh about. You look at your wingman crashing and burning, going down in flames, and all you can do is scratch your head and hope that your target hasn’t caught wind of his creepiness. If she has, do yourself both a favor and pay your tab and leave.

1. He Simply Isn’t a Good Wingman

You’ve got your target eating out of the palm of your hand. Your wildly exaggerated stories have her pining over you and wanting your pork sword, but in comes Pvt. Dipshit. He’ll cock block you for his own personal agenda and switch the roles so you become the wingman, and he the pilot. Maybe he wasn’t satisfied with the cock block a.k.a. his target, but that isn’t the point. He is supposed to be there for you, and he isn’t. These types of men are not your friends.

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About Cliff Englewood Cliff goes to MSU and is TSB Magazine resident "College Life" contributor with tips and advice to get the most out of your time in college.

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