A Rockstar’s Guide to Getting Laid
Movie fans know that Aldous Snow of Forgetting Sarah Marshall and Get Him to the Greek fame is a prodigious, albeit fictional, plunderer of women. That’s because he is a rock star, a mythical figure that even in real life attracts willing sex partners like moths to the flame. If the extent of your musical expertise is being a whiz on a Guitar Hero controller, don’t despair. Here are five ways regular dudes can do the dirty deed with the regularity of the rock gods who moisten the nether regions of females simply by showing up.
Musicians don’t have time to mess around, so get right to the point. Try opening strong with something like this: “You should have sex with me tonight, because I’m between outbreaks.” Or try a more poetic approach fancied by singer/songwriters: “It’s so ironic that you are hammered and I want to nail you.” Or try being positive: “The best part about being drunk is you not remembering where I live tomorrow after we have unprotected sex.” Whatever you’re comfortable with.
Women love ’em, and no one’s badder than a rock star. But most rock stars became rock stars because they had personal appearance issues like acne in high school, and spent hours alone playing guitar in their parents’ basement. Doesn’t matter. Ugly or not, rock stars get more tail than 99.9 percent of the guys on earth. Why? Because they behave like badasses. So what if you have no clue how to write “Welcome to the Jungle.” Play the part by keeping an abundance of whiskey and cigarettes on hand at all times.
Even in England, women love British accents. If you’re not from the Isles, fake it (like the receptionist from Rochester Hills, Michigan you’re banging is gonna know the difference). Remember, a bad fake accent is better than no accent at all. Just try to do a better job than Kevin Costner did in Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves. Ask yourself this: are people who wear makeup, push-up bras and six-inch stilettos the type who want to hear the truth? Exactly.
Do not forsake your chest hair, for it is your friend. Wash it, condition it, blow it dry and preen it into a hypnotic maze of subliminal sexual commands. And be sure to wear lots of shiny blazers with no shirt underneath for added impact. From the neck up, the perpetual five o’clock shadow isn’t just for George Michael anymore. Most rock stars prefer to appear somewhat disheveled, so you’ll at least want to be rockin’ that look, if not a full on ’70s porn ‘stache like the drummer in The Killers. You know that dude is getting laid. A lot.
In the sex tape he shot with Pamela Anderson, Tommy Lee proved that tall, skinny rocker guys have tools that you could use to honk a boat horn. And like fellow skinny rocker dude Aldous Snow, Tommy Lee isn’t lacking in the female companionship department either. Coincidence? We think not. If you don’t happen to be tall, skinny or blessed by nature with a huge schlong, a penis pump can fix that.
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About Cliff Englewood Cliff goes to MSU and is TSB Magazine resident "College Life" contributor with tips and advice to get the most out of your time in college.