Why You Must ‘Be’ What You’re Looking For In A Relationship
What is your strategy for dating the “right” type of girl? Do you vibe with the girl you see yourself dating?
How often do you hear a friend say things like, “If I could just find someone that is (trustworthy, spontaneous, etc.) , I’d be happy.”
“She’s just not ______. I’m not sure it’s going to work out.”
“Doesn’t she know I’m only looking for someone with _____________”
Maybe it isn’t a friend saying it- maybe you’ve asked yourself these questions.
At the root these remarks, you’re basically asking, “Why am I not finding what’s most important to me in another person?” While that could pose a problem for a few reasons, there is one main one we’ll focus on in this article. Internalize this strategy and put it into action, and you may finally start dating the types of girls you want to date.
You aren’t finding what’s most important to you in a relationship because you aren’t focused on being that thing for someone else.
By not focusing on yourself and what you bring to the table in a relationship, you put happiness or fate in the hands of something outside of your direct control. You have no say in making that relationship better or changing things. When the other person has final say over how relationship turns out, it rarely ends well. Focusing too much on what you’re looking for in another person is a fool-proof way of setting yourself up for failure.
On the other hand, being that thing is the only guaranteed way to attract the type of date you’re looking for.
If you are asking questions like the ones above, you are asking the wrong questions. You aren’t considering the most important factor that comes into play when looking for the right person; the simple law of dating that like attracts like. We innately relate to people that are like us. When you meet someone that believes in the same things and operates in a similar fashion to you, there’s a good chance things will work out.
So while your personality does not have to change, your approach to dating probably does. If you’re struggling to find the right person, or commonly dating people that contrast what you’re looking for, the solution to your problem lies in being honest about what you bring to the table in a relationship.
To give you concrete examples, here are 7 characteristics that people commonly consider important in a strong relationship:
What 2 items on this list do you value most in a relationship? Now take a moment to consider, on a scale of 1-10, where you rank for the 2 characteristics you value most. Compare that to the ideal score your partner would have.
Last, be honest with yourself. What are your numbers? Where do you rank? Compare your score with the score of your ideal partner.
Let’s pretend that you value honesty and strong communication above the other 5. Maybe you feel that for a relationship to work, you’d need both honesty and communication to be at a 7 or higher.
The rule is simple: your date is unlikely to have a score exceedingly higher than yours with any of the characteristics. If you’re a 2 on the trustworthy scale, how could you ever expect someone that is 100% trustworthy to be interested in you? Even with a category like ambition that might take personality into account, it is unlikely that a 2 and a 10 are ever going to find long-term happiness together. Your models of the world will not vibe together well and you’ll value different things.
You aren’t being what you’re looking for. And that’s why it’s not working out.
The key to this is to be incredibly honest. If you’re looking to date a girl that scores a collective 60 on all 7 categories combined, you’re searching for what society would call a ‘catch’. You better be a catch yourself if it’s going to work. Until you internalize that being the thing you want in a relationship is the key to getting it, your dating results will be the same.
If you aren’t dating the type of women you want to, audit yourself and see where you stand in each category. Set goals to help move you in the right direction. While it won’t happen overnight, improvement in one category usually elevates your status in others.
You may soon find yourself dating the type of person you were looking for all along, faster than you expected. The funny thing is, you may not even notice it. If you internalize this strategy correctly, you may that you become so focused on improving yourself that you won’t even realize what you’ve found until months after you’ve found it.
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About Ben Kissam American coach and sports psych based in Germany. I use psychology tools to make informed decisions about dating and life.