How To Build Sexual Confidence When You Have No Experience With Women
After my first breakup, I was a complete wreck.
I remember sitting outside Trafalgar square in London believing I was worthless, that I’d never get another relationship, and that there was something fundamentally wrong and different about me that made my situation uniquely crappy, and uniquely unsolvable.
When it came to being a ‘sexual being’ – that is, one that women interacted with – I felt like I came up short. And that no matter what I did, I always would.
There were other guys who could manage this stuff, and then there was me.
And this sucked.
Not only did my situation feel hopeless, which in turn fuelled my crappy self-esteem, but I felt all of this acutely.
In other words, it was painful. Day to day living, instead of enjoyable, became a slog of struggling through bouts of depression, anxiety, and worst of all, resentment.
Not a great combo.
Because of this pain, I did what most guys did, and I searched for ‘intellectual’ solutions to the problems I was feeling.
By that I mean, I read a shit-load of self-help books, pick-up books, dating advice blogs, and PUA forums.
The end result was this: not only was a depressed, anxious, resentful, and hating on myself 24/7, but my brain was now swarming with 1000’s of different ideas as to how I should be living, interacting with others, and speaking to women.
‘Be alpha’, ‘walk with your shoulders back’, ‘get her to qualify herself’, ‘neg…but not too much’, and so on.
And it was because of this swarming, hyper-intellectualized state, that my whole idea of myself actually got worse.
Instead of helping me improve, all it did was give my shitty self-esteem more reasons to beat up on myself.
‘You don’t feel alpha right now… Because you’re not.’
‘You can’t get her to qualify herself to you… Because you’re not attractive.’
‘Your neg was weird and unfunny, and you’re quite obviously socially incompetent. Not just to yourself, but to everyone else as well.’
And you know what? I did suck. Because instead of realizing that I was emotionally all over the place, unhappy, and approaching my interactions with women from an unhealthy place – I was trying to solve my problems logically.
Yeah, I was trying to solve my emotional problems logically.
Ever felt so sad you’ve started crying, only for someone to start explaining to you why you shouldn’t logically be crying?
Every felt so angry you wanted to hit someone, only for some to argue that you shouldn’t be angry?
Yeah, it’s kinda like that. In that it doesn’t work at all.
In fact, it usually makes the emotions worse.
Feelings are feelings, and dealing with them is a whole different ball game.
Thankfully, I did eventually recover my rock-bottom self-esteem and did manage to realize that I could be just as sexual as anyone else. More so than most, in fact.
That same, beating himself up kid who was sat at Trafalgar Square went on to date woman all over the world, have multiple girlfriends, and most importantly, actually like who he was.
And funnily enough, fixing all of those things happened at the same time, because they were all connected, just as they are for you.
Accepting that you have problems relating to the opposite sex is difficult. If you’re anything like I was (and still am), you’ve probably smothered these problems under layers and layers of avoidance, denial, and sometimes, anger.
You probably tell yourself things like ‘I don’t care about dating women.’ Or ‘I want to approach… Just not right now.’ Or ‘All women are cheaters and bitches, I don’t want anything to do with them.’
(All things I used to tell myself when I was a dumb teenager).
In reality, not only are all of these things wrong, but they’re just the ways you protect yourself from confronting the painful emotions you need to confront in order to go from a repressed, unhappy guy to a happy, sexually expressive, well-adjusted guy.
These narratives are not only ways of protecting yourself, but they’re also addictive. They feel certain. And because they keep you from confronting your emotions, and thus the resulting anxiety and strong feelings, they feel good.
Yeah, as bad as they might feel, you actually like them better than confronting yourself.
I know this sounds a little ‘Dr.Phil’ but here’s my point:
Before you can make the changes you want to make, you have to admit your current situation to yourself.
Once you’ve got the first step out of the way, you’d think it’s time to start getting real-world experience… Well, not quite.
When I first started to make efforts to rebuild my broken self-esteem and have a better dating life, I not only struggled with a head swarming with various conflicting pieces of advice and pick-up theory, but I also got smashed against my unhelpful beliefs.
By this I mean everything that I learned, while it sounded right, made logical sense, and seemed like something I wanted to do – I also believed it to be not okay for me do it, and as a result, felt like it was impossible for me to do it.
The belief and the feeling trumped the knowledge.
Approach a woman during the day? Nope, that’s socially inappropriate and now my anxiety has gone through the roof.
Touch a woman who’s flirting with you? Nope, that’s creepy and you’re never allowed to do that.
Tell a woman who’s kissing you that you want to have sex with her? Nope, women don’t want to hear that and the thought of it makes me uncomfortable.
The beliefs you have about sexuality are deeply tied to your feelings about sexuality. They feed into one another.
What you believe, you feel. And what you feel, you believe.
This was how it was for me, and how it’s been for countless guys I’ve coached.
Understanding this link and breaking it is incredibly important to developing sexual confidence.
Before after acknowledging you have a problem with sexual confidence, the next step is giving yourself permission to express it.
Not every woman is going to like you. They won’t be attracted to you, they won’t be interested in you, and in many cases, they just might not be available.
It’s not personal, you’ve just struck out this time.
In this instance, these women aren’t giving you permission to touch them, kiss them, etc. They aren’t interested, so as soon as you find that out, be a man and leave them alone.
But many women you meet will be interested in you.
They will be receptive to you, you just don’t know it yet. Why? Because you haven’t given YOURSELF permission to express your sexuality. Instead of finding out from them and acting accordingly, you’ve decided beforehand.
This, again, comes back to that link between feelings and beliefs.
To free yourself from this cycle you need to do two things:
First, you need to challenge your beliefs.
The process of doing so is actually pretty simple. And it starts with a pen and paper. You need to write down all your beliefs about women and about female sexuality, then you really need to challenge whether these beliefs are true or not.
Some of the beliefs I held were:
All of these were flat-out wrong, making me miserable, and seriously hampering my dating life.
Once you’ve challenged your beliefs on paper, it’s time to start taking actions that challenge those beliefs, and as a result, challenge your feelings.
This is a slow, SLOW process. It takes time. It’s scary. And It’s uncomfortable. But it requires no experience with women, it only requires you to START getting a small amount.
Because by taking small actions that challenge your beliefs and challenge your feelings, you begin to realize that women, dating, and sexuality really isn’t that scary. And you also start to get that crucial real-world experience that reshapes your beliefs.
Done together, the two will begin to correct each other, and suddenly, you’ll be comfortable expressing your sexuality, and, if you’re anything like I was, far more confident in yourself as a result.
This is how you become more sexually confidence with women with little-to-no experience. By understanding the incorrect beliefs and feelings you wish to challenge within yourself, you take the actions that remove your internal barriers to expressing it in the future.
And you do this a HELL of a lot faster than most guys.
Because here’s something most inexperienced guys don’t realize. There’s A LOT of so-called confident guys with women who are really just riding on their looks, money, or social skills.
They actually have a lot of messed up beliefs and feelings around sexuality that they’ve never dealt with.
By getting your foundation right, you set yourself up to be one of the few guys who doesn’t struggle with this stuff.
And as a result, you might just notice that in doing so, you actually healed those self-esteem issues you had all along.
Because when you give yourself permission to express yourself honestly, you’re telling yourself, at your core, that you’re okay, and there’s nothing wrong with you.
That is, in a nutshell, confidence itself.
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About John Matich John is a writer from the UK who splits his time between travelling the world and trying to find unconventional solutions to dating and personal development. You can find more from him at www.lifeuncivilized.com.