The Reason Women Go Cold that No One Talks About
Why did she suddenly go cold?
It’s a question we’ve all asked at some point, especially when things started off promising and she seemed interested. But then, her texts start slowing down and less frequent. You try to make plans but suddenly she’s always busy. You try to remain optimistic, fooling yourself into believing the excuses—her jobs been crazy, she’s got family in town, her phone’s broken—but eventually even the excuses tapper off until all that’s left of the girl you thought you had a future with is cold, deadening silence.
This is when most guys start looking for help, searching for an answer. Why did she suddenly go cold? is a question we ask of Google engines and family and friends. Likewise, as a professional dating coach, it’s a question I hear daily from clients all over the world. Yet, I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t also a question I’ve often asked myself, in my own romantic endeavors, about girls I thought I had a future with…
The Million Dollar Answer
Obviously, women go cold for a number of reasons. Sometimes we discover an unpleasant truth, like when a girl’s ex comes back into the picture. Or maybe, after reassessing things more objectively, we realize her feelings just weren’t as strong or as mutual as we initially thought. And perhaps, more than anything, we realize we unwittingly made one (or more) of the mistakes guys so often make with very attractive women, which turned her off.
But what if none of those things happened, yet she still went cold?
More and more, that seems to be the predicament for my clients. It’s my job to diagnosis what went wrong (and how they can fix it) but what if there aren’t any obvious red-flags? What if the girl genuinely seemed interested and the guy appears to have done everything right? Yet, things went cold for no apparent reason.
For a while, I couldn’t make sense of these situations, figuring it was something my clients weren’t telling me. That is, until my girlfriend of 2 years suddenly went cold and distant on me, which made the problem personal. I fervently sought an answer—to help my clients as well as myself—and eventually found it in an unlikely place: a pop psychology book about relationships titled Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love.
The premise of Attached is that people’s behavior in relationships is largely dictated by their attachment style. The book outlines three main attachment styles—anxious, avoidant, and secure—that sit on Goldilocks spectrum:
In a perfect world, we’d all have a secure attachment style but, as we all know the world is anything but perfect—especially when it comes to attraction and dating. Logic flies out the window when it comes to attraction. In fact, the qualities and characteristics associated with avoidant women (e.g., laid back, self-reliant, and autonomous*) may be what attracted us in the first place, whereas women with a secure or anxious attachment style sometimes come off boring or needy, respectively.
Taken together, whenever a client is dumbfounded by what went wrong with a woman he describes as fun, ambitious, and a bit mysterious but seems to playing hard-to-get*, there’s a good chance he’s describing a woman with an avoidant attachment style. If that’s the case, the problem isn’t that she’s playing hard-to-get, it’s that she’s hard-to-keep…
In my next article I’m going to outline the strategy for seducing—or re-seducing—an avoidant woman and, more importantly, the mindset you need to develop to live happily ever after with your avoidant dream girl (in spite of her attachment style). Stay tuned!
*Addendum and Disclaimers
Since this is dating advice, and a not psychological assessment, nothing in this article should be misconstrued as a psychological diagnosis (obviously). While an avoidant attachment style may make a woman appear “laid back, self-reliant, and autonomous” or “fun, ambitious, and a bit mysterious,” these are broad and generalized stereotypes. As such, women who have a secure—or an even anxious—attachment style may also embody these qualities.
My intent in writing this article was to introduce the idea of attachment styles, and explain how that relates to attraction and dating. However, again, these are my opinions, which I based on my personal experiences coupled and layman’s understanding of attachment style. My only expertise comes from real world experience and hundreds of hours of working with clients.
I’d strongly recommend anyone interested in attachment styles read Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love by Amir Levine and Racheal Heller, which explains attachment styles in comprehensive detail.
Not only will you glean insight into women’s behavior, but you’ll also better understand your own feelings and behavior in relationships. For me, identifying and understanding my attachment style was an invaluable asset in my development as a better, more attractive man (and boyfriend) and expanded my capacity as a dating coach since it’s help me better decipher a woman’s behavior as well as gain a better understanding of my clients.
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About Rob Judge Rob J. is a writer and dating instructor in Scottsdate. Themes that resonate in both his teaching and writing are masculinity, genuineness, rational self-interest, and general awesomeness. Get Coaching with Rob: https://www.tsbmag.com/private-coaching-with-rob-judge/