Attraction Defined

This long, but insightful article comes from Sebastian Drake, of the hugely popular Master the Vibe series.

Have you ever wondered about what causes women to feel that burning desire to be with someone? How come a man with seemingly nothing going on can get women obsessed with them? Why many men sit in idle mode with women even though theyve got lots going on?

In the last five years, the field being labelled as "seduction has made leaps and bounds. Many men are realizing that they dont need to accept the limited social skills they were able to figure out themselves through their high school and college years, and are setting to making a real change in their lives.

And yet through it all, no one had defined attraction. You might have read somewhere that doing something created attraction, or that something else was unattractive, but WHY WAS THAT?

It was a million dollar question. That has finally been answered.

The bestselling novel The Game by Neil Strauss chronicles the journey of one man – Neil, a music critic and freelance journalist. In the book, he goes from being an uber-nerd to a veritable stud with women – despite being 5’6 and unaesthetically pleasing. Well use some excerpts from the book as case-studies in explaining attraction.

Attraction is a result of three things. Every time someone is attracted to something, these three things will be present. Every time these three things are present in something for someone, that person will be attracted to it.

If these things are present, a woman will be attracted to you. Every single time.

The Three Components of Attraction:

Value, Attainability, and Compliance.


Value is something that fills a conscious or subconscious need for a person. What is valuable is unique to every single person, but there are a set of traits that are valuable to almost everyone. These traits – like confidence, charisma, and leadership – are valuable to almost any woman. Many traits will be valuable to one type of woman but not another.

There traits that are almost universally valuable (and thus, attractive) should be universally developed, so that you’re perceived as having them with minimal effort on your part.

Many of our techniques focus on these, while some of them are traits from other parts of your life that are good to develop. Twenty of the most common universally valuable traits follow:

* Ambition
* Charisma*
* Confidence*
* Creativity
* Desire to Reproduce*
* Dominance*
* Emotionally Steadfast*
* Empathy*
* Health
* Humor*
* Intelligence
* Leadership*
* Passion For Something in Life
* Popular*
* Protects Ones Own
* Quick Reflexes
* Quick Wit*
* Sociable*
* Survival Instincts
* Worldliness

The items with asterisks are developed directly by social training. More than half of them – Thats more than any other sub-set of life. Our interactions with people dominate how our value is assessed. Many of the other traits on the list can be demonstrated even if not already possessed. How?


Three Ways Value is Perceived

1. Presence: If youve ever seen a great comedian, often hell walk onto stage, and just STARE at the crowd until – they start laughing. This is a person with the presence of a sense of humor. Likewise, a very confidence person seems to just ooze or eminate confidence. A healthy person need do no more than be present to show he is healthy.

This path takes significant time to develop, but once youve done it – you need make no effort. If you develop yourself into a charismatic person, which can be done with training and practice, then you simply need to do no more than show up for people to know youre charismatic. You have that presence.

2. The Appearance: A prince need not possess princely qualities. He merely needs the appearance of princely qualities. – Niccolo Machiavelli

Machiavelli is largely right. If youre not a leader, you can still develop the body language and walking patterns of a confident leader. This will give you the appearance of being a leader. Youll be perceived as being a leader which is good for your value right away.

By affecting the appearance of a leader, you will be treated as others by a leader. You’ll become more of a leader over time. Developing the appearance of a trait you don’t have, such as popularity, is a crucial step on the way to becoming popular. This is Fake it till you make it done correctly, and actually making it.

3. Active Demonstration: Not funny? Tell a joke.

Active demonstrations are excellent ways to show people you have a positive trait that you might not actually yet possess. You can take an action or story from someone who does have it, and use it. Not a naturally sociable person? What if you were taught the exact way a sociable person approaches and interacts with people?

People will think youre sociable. This is the fastest way to show one person you have a trait about you.

For universal value, its in your best interest to cultivative the appearance or actually become valuable with time. It can be tedious to have to tell a funny joke to every person you meet so they know you have a sense of humor. But while youre learning, this is a powerful way to start.


Kinesthetics and Value:

The word kinesthetic means touching. In the seduction community at large, its fondly called kino. It means touching another person.

If a man wants to demonstrate hes comfortable with himself, comfortable with others, dominant, and confident, one way to do all that is to kino. The man can learn about the three good kinds of kino – Playful, protective, and incidental. He can learn a few types of kino, like putting his hand on a womans lower back to escort her through a room (protective kino), or taking her hand in his, then spinning her salsa style (playful).

Now he can actively demonstrate hes comfortable, confident, and dominant.

Over time, hell automatically do kino. It becomes normal for him to slap a friend on the back, or to lightly touch someones elbow during a handshake the way former President Clinton done, a proven kind of incidental kino that makes others feel comfortable around you.

The man now touches people in a confident, friendly way. Hes now developed the appearance that hes confident, dominant, and comfortable around himself and others. People will perceive him as having those traits even if he doesnt have the internal mettle yet.

And if that man allows his belief system to develop, hell come to actually be comfortable with himself and around other people. At this point, no conscious technique or tactic is necessary: He has simply become a person who is comfortable with himself and around others. He is more confident and dominant, and people see it just by being near him. He is now more universally valuable.

And he knows it.


Danger and Risk Adversity:
Specifically Valuable Traits

Items like confidence and charisma are universally valuable. Most if not all women want these traits in a man.

Those arent it though. Take the example of the dangerous man – A guy who seems dangerous, lawless, taking senseless risks and who is just generally out of control.

This guy, leather jacket and long hair in tow, tends to be valuable to younger women who are bored and looking to be defiant.

On the other hand, take a stable risk-adverse guy. Hes got his act together, got a decent job, and doesnt take risks. While he wouldnt be very attractive the 19-year-old wild child-type girl, hes very valuable to decent stable women looking to settle down and raise a family.

This is specific value at work. Some of it is counter-intuitive or surprising. Through field-testing and empirical evidence, us at theApproach have found that many women in their early 30s who have just gone through a divorce or gotten out of a long term relationship are looking for reckless fun and excitement in their lives. Some popular literature and others experiences back us up on that one too

A lot of men have questions about whether they can get the type of women they want based on certain unchangeable things in their life – Their height, race, age, or birth country.

The answer lies here: While specific value is a huge help to you, a man can get by without having a supposedly necessary type of specific value – if he has even MORE universal value.

I was talking to one of my students who I first instructed a few years ago. Hes gone on to become a veritable heartbreaker, Im sad to say. See, I dont believe in putting women down hard, I believe in always leaving them better than they were when I found them. But my man – well call him Kaz – lives a busy life and winds up breaking womens hearts.

Well, Kaz is Asian if you hadnt realized that. And guess what he hears a lot? Youre the first Asian guy Ive ever been attracted to. But then you know what happens? Post-Kaz-heartbreak, the women start dating Asian guys.

This is how the barriers get broken down. One really high-value guy thats not normally on the womans radar breaks through, and then that specific value – I only date black guys, I only date Asian guys, "I only date older guys – is gone. Specific value helps a lot to be sure, but if youre better than the rest you can get what you want.



Value is a huge part of attraction. A tremendous part. If you dont have any value, it doesnt matter at all if she has a shot at that no-value.

But value is pretty easy to appear to have. You already have some in your life, no doubt. If youre at all driven or successful in anything you do, youve got SOME value. You could get more, or at least appear to have more, and were going to help you with that.

This raises the age-old question then – Im a great guy, but women dont seem to like me. Why?

The answer is quite simply – they dont see that youre a great guy FOR THEM.

Attainability converts value into value for her life. It gives her a chance to believe she can have your value and it can enrich her life.

This confuses some men, especially men that have never had really great girlfriends, or are looking for really elite women that they might perceive as beyond them.

Consider this: What woman in your own life drove you absolutely crazy? Close your eyes and imagine her.

Got her? That girl that kept your up at night?

That you daydreamed about? Know who Im talking about?

Okay. Got her?

Is it
Pamela Anderson?
Cindy Crawford?
Lucy Liu?
Mariah Carrey?
Carmen Electra?
Charlize Theron?

Or any other really beautiful actress/model/singer type?

Of course not. Its probably a neighbor, or a classmate. A girl that lived near you, or was part of your social circle.

The reason is that that woman seemed attainable to you, in a way that a centerfold didn’t.

This comes down to whats called the Auto-Rejection Mechanism. If someone believes they cant have something, theyll rationalize they dont want it so that they can be happy.

This is the reason that very unattractive women get extremely rude and nasty when hit on in bars – They assume its insincere and they have no chance, so they become absolutely rude.

Being attainable does not mean being available – the woman shouldn’t believe that she has you no matter what, and cant lose you no matter what she does. She should believe she has a shot to get you if you want to attract her.



Ever been to a carnival? Or an amusement park or anything with those games you pay a couple dollars to play to try to win prizes?

Ever win? Or see a guy who did?

How do they feel?

They pump their fist, get excited. They get a stuffed tiger for a prize, and usually either give that tiger as a sign of affection to a girlfriend or put it on a shelf like a trophy.

This comes down to the Cost-Worth Conception. People think things are worth what they cost.

So no cost? Free? Must be worthless.

That little stuffed tiger the man got so excited about when he won? Would he even take it if it were being given away on the streets as a promotion for a sugary cereal?

Probably not.


The more effort a woman puts into an interaction with a guy, with pleasing or impressing him, or handling logistics so they can see each other, the more shell be attracted to him. Since his cost is high, his worth must be high too.

But there’s more to compliance than just work and effort.

Listen to a woman talk to her friends who is really, really attracted to her boyfriend. Does she go on, gushing about

how hes absolutely perfect and she wouldn’t change anything about him if given the change? Oh no!

Women who are very attracted to their boyfriends are often complaining about how hes such a jerk, or doesn’t take care of her, or has bad habits or whatever else.

The reason is that accepting things she doesn’t like is compliance too. If she accepts something about him that’s not ideal in her mind, then he must be even MORE worth it in his other areas. That’s another reason Kaz was such a heartbreaker – The girls would think, "I don’t normally like Asian guys. He must be something really special. Then hed still see other women, have condom wrappers at his place, lipstick on wine glasses and all sorts of unsubtle things like that. And a few women would stop seeing him right then, but of the girls that stuck around – they got even more attracted.

When a woman is forced to work for something, shell feel like she deserves it and want it even more. To have a woman really attracted to you, shell need to feel like she deserves you. This comes down to attainablity, which is the feeling she can have you, and compliance, which is working to get you.

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About Bobby Rio I'm Bobby Rio, one of the founders of TSB. I tend to write about what is on my mind so you'll find a mix of self development, social dynamics and dating articles/experiences.  For a collection of some of my favorite articles check them out.

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