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The 10 Commandments of College

The fall semester is officially here. Fall semester means rush parties, homecoming, Halloween Parties, sorority formals, and football!! Life doesn’t get any better!

Reading this list makes me weep in nostalgia for college!

I wanted to pass along to you all:

The 10 Commandments of College

(from The College Humor Guide to College)

I Thou Shalt Nap

And god gave unto Student a great gift, the gift of napping. God said to him, You shall spend half your day napping. And God said, If you don’t nap, you will not be able to stay up all night drinking. And Student said, Nap I shall, and it was good.

II Thou Shalt Get Sick All the Time

Now God said to Student, You must be sick all of the time. And Student said, Why? And God said unto him, You shall share drinks, stay up late, drink too much, and make out with people you don’t know. Therefore, God said, you shall be sick all year round. But God said, Blessed are the sick, for they have partied the hardest. And it was good.

III Thou Shalt Write Witty Away Messages

Student asked, But God, how will I show everyone that I am funny? And God said unto him, Thou shall write witty away messages. God said to Student, You shall never just say you are in the shower, you shall say you are getting wet and wild…in the shower. You shall never say you are at class, you shall say you are sleeping…in class. God said, If you do not write witty away messages, I shall smite you. Blessed are the funny, for they will get many girls to be their friends but never hook up with them. And it was good.

IV Thou Shalt Wear a Hoodie

And student asked God, How do I look like a college kid? And God said unto Student, You must wear a hoodie, for it is a useful garment. ANd you shall never wash it, either. Student asked God, What kind of hoodie should it be? And God said, You shall own one with your school’s logo on it and you shall own many others of varying colors and creeds. And student was pleased and God was pleased, and it was good.

V Thou Shalt Shit a Lot

And student asked of his bathroom habit and God told him, Student, you shall eat in the cafeteria and you shall shit a lot. And it will not be good shit, it will be the shit of the devil, for your ass shall burn for hours. Your school shall put laxatives in their food and you shall feel their pain. And Student began to weep, and God said unto him, Student, fear not the shit, for all your fellow students will be experiencing the same. And Student dried his eyes and thanked God, and God told him to use wet napes to ease the pain, and it was good.

VI Thou Shalt Eat Easy Mac

Student asked unto God if there were any alternatives to the cafeteria, and God said to him, You shall eat a lot of Easy Mac. It is easy to make and you don’t need milk or a stove. And Student said microwaves were forbidden by the RA. And God said to him, You shall hide the microwave under your bed with a towel on top. And Student asked, What if it is discovered? And God told him to stop being such a pussy, and it was good.

VII Thou Shalt Hook Up

Student then asked of sex. And God said, Student, you shall hook up and be happy. You shall go hoe with random people every weekend and forget about them the next day. You shall see them at class and be awkward amongst their company. You shall exchange saliva at bars and parties and it will be good. And Student became gleeful, and God told Student to wrap it up because He knows where she has been, but student does not, and it was good.

VIII Thou Shalt Join a Club and Never Go to Meetings

Student inquired of his spare time and God reminded him that he would be napping. But Student said he wanted to do other things. So God said unto him, You shall join a club at the beginning of the semester, but then never go to meetings, and God told him, Because the glee club is gay. And student understood his wisdom and it was good.

IX Thou Shalt Wake Up Confused

God said to Student, There will be many a day when you shall wake up in the bed of another and not know where you are. You will not remember what you did last night and you shall be confused. You will that you have nipple rings and a tattoo now and are covered in Sharpie. And Student was disturbed by this, but God said, You shall tell great stories about it to your friends some day. And student understood, and God took a sip of beer, and it was good.

X Thou Shalt Gain Weight

And Student wished to hear the final commandment and God said he would not like it. But Student insisted, so God said unto him, Thou shall gain weight. However, God said, you will not buy new clothes, so you will wear sweatpants a lot. God said, Student, you will watch a lot of TV and become fat. And student wept profusely. But God comforted Student, saying, Yo will still get ass even if you cannot tie your shoes anymore. Student felt better, and God pointed to Student’s chest, saying, Those will soon be bitch tits. And it was good.

Read the rest of The College Humor Guide to College

or

Read Conquer Your Campus and get laid!

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About Bobby Rio I'm Bobby Rio, one of the founders of TSB. I tend to write about what is on my mind so you'll find a mix of self development, social dynamics and dating articles/experiences.  For a collection of some of my favorite articles check them out.

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