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Dudes! We should TOTALLY send Zack Morris to Afghanistan


Man, this war on terrorism is about as cool as detention with Mr. Belding. But with Zack’s help, America can turn those jihadists around and have them wilding out like a Friday at The Max! In my completely uneducated and uninformed opinion, we should Zack Morris to Iraq and put an end to this while terrorism thing altogether.

Here are some awesome reasons why we should send Zack to Iraq:

Superior Intelligence – Um, we’re talking about a guy who got a 1502 on the SATs. Which, by the way, beat the pants off Jessie Spano and her weak 1200 (side note: Jessie was a pill-popping hussy. Had she lain off the sauce maybe she would’ve made it the College Years. So excited, bitch? I think NOT…)

Technologically Advanced – That cell phone could’ve launched Patriot Missiles while answering calls to his 900 dating advice line. (Amazing! this is WHERE he got it from:

Ability to Stop Combat with “Time Outs” – Whenever the go gets tough, the tough call a “time out.” Fortunately, when Zack does it, everyone stops and he soliloquizes to the camera. Look out roadside bombers; you’re getting a TIME OUT!

Hand-to-Hand Combat Specialist – Look. I don’t care what you say. Zack kicked the fuck out of A.C. in that legendary hallway face-off.

Advanced Military Logistics – When Zack was forced by that prick Mr. Belding to join ROTC, Cadet Morris met the challenge by beating the pants off the “jocks” in a physical competition. Despite being on a team of complete nerds (i.e. Screech) and incompetents (i.e. Lisa) Zack accomplished victory by decisive strategizing.

Athletic Prowess – Two words: “Running Zack”:

(Also, it was pretty amazing how Zack and Slater basically dominated every Bayside sport even though all they did was chase ass and clown on each other instead of ever going to practice…)

Reinforcements – “Zack Attack” wasn’t just a band and “Friends Forever” wasn’t just a hit single – it was a way of life.

In conclusion, let the facts speak. I mean just look at what he did for the Malibu Sand Beach Club! Even with a shit-eating boss like Mr. Carosi up in Zack’s grill, he STILL turned that wack beach club into a summer hotspot. Just imagine what he could do for Afghanistan?!?! Imagine the hilarity, which would ensue as he confronts Bin Laden!!! I smell detention!! The only way to find out is to DEPLOY CADET MORRIS!!!!

About Rob J.

Rob J. is a writer and dating instructor in New York City. Themes that resonate in both his teaching and writing are masculinity, genuineness, rational self-interest, and general awesomeness.

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One Comment

  1. JokerMan

    September 10, 2009 at 4:09 pm

    I wish Zack Morris was my dad.

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