How To Keep A Girl: What You’re Doing Now Could Repel Her Later
How many great girls have walked out of your life in the last 6 months? How many times have you gone on a first date almost giddy that you may’ve met your “dream girl,” only to never have your calls returned – or even get so much as an explanation as to why she’s ignoring you?
If you know what that’s like, I feel your pain. For years, I slammed my head against the wall as I was able to attract girls, get phone numbers, get dates, and even get laid – but all too often, shortly after “the action” I’d get promptly ignored by women I really liked. I felt like Bruce Willis in the Sixth Sense – what the hell was going on? Why’d it seem like I no longer existed? Didn’t she like me?
At the time, I always wrote off my failings as “needing more game.” If you’re like me, you might think you need to keep “calibrating” your dating skills, running off to read the next eBook or watch the next seminar. That makes sense: these materials helped you get the girl in the first place, so they probably have the answer to keep her.
However, after losing enough great girls, I discovered that advice was actually what I was doing wrong! This was a huge mind-fuck and completely counter-intuitive, but much of the behavior that works to attract a girl is exactly the behavior that will later turn her off. So, while the unabashed playboy lifestyle may seem alluring, if you want to keep quality girls in your life, you might need to tone back your “game” and get real. Here are some common mindsets in the dating advice industry that will work to attract her, but will often later work against you:
Be Non-Reactive To Her – From what I’ve seen, the guys who are the absolute best at attracting girls lightning-fast are guys who don’t react emotionally to other people. I know on my best nights, I’ve walked up to ridiculously hot girls who threw a ton of shit at me, but, by not reacting to it, the girls almost always became attracted to me. Seeing this first-hand almost made me callous since it seemed the less emotion I displayed toward a girl, the more she chased me.
This thinking, however, sabotaged my success in the long run. While women are looking for an emotionally stable man, they’re also looking for someone who cares about them and who they can emotionally connect with. While being Mr. Non-Reactive works initially, eventually she wants to think she means something to you. If you’re spending time with a girl, it’s okay to show emotion.
A lot of guys will scoff at this advice, saying it’s “being a wuss” or, even dorkier, “letting her control the frame.” However, I can tell you from real world experience, sometimes girls want you to say something they did hurt you, angered you, or affected you emotionally. Girls will act out just to see how much you care about them. For a long time, I’d just laugh everything off, pretending like nothing bothered me (when deep-down, it did). Now, however, I try to be as emotionally transparent and genuine as possible.
So while I’m not suggesting getting EMO with the hot chick you’re macking at the bar, I do advocate allowing yourself the emotional space to let a girl affect you. And for all the Ricky Rough-nuts reading pretending girls don’t affect your emotions, drop the act. Unless you’re a robot, you feel emotions. So stop hiding them from girls you care about.
Attraction’s Not A Choice – But spending time with someone is. The old David D. maxim “Attraction’s not a choice” is true when the girl’s in front of you, interacting with you. But once you walk away, attraction wanes and she does have a choice: are you worth her time? If the only thing you did was attract her, then that choice was will be easy for her (and, it’s going to be a big no).
So while it’s fine to only focus on attracting girls at first, eventually you should transition the conversation to “real talk.” Over the weekend, I was talking to this hot blonde, but she wouldn’t stop doing some sort of strange female version of “cocky/funny” on me. Whatever I asked, she’d respond telling me she worked for the circus, was an illegal immigrant, etc. While it was cute at first, eventually I gave her an ultimatum: either be real or be gone. She looked incredulous, but eventually she opened up. As I’m writing this article, I’m texting with her. What she remembers isn’t the cocky/funny banter we had, but instead the moments of genuine connection we made.
Thus, while being cute and funny is great (and highly recommended), don’t overdo it. Attraction is like the insurance value of a new car: once you drive it off the lot, it starts depreciating. With female attraction, once you walk away from a girl, your “attraction spell” is broken. An interaction isn’t solid just because she’s digging you when you’re in front of her. Become real and give her a real reason to see you again, as attraction’s only as strong as the distance you stand from a girl.
The Abundance Mentality – Acting like a huge player to attract women is lame. The old “abundance mentality” trap has sent more nerds astray than other piece of “advice” I’ve read or heard. Acting like you’re “pre-selected” doesn’t make you seem cool to women – it makes you seem insecure.
If you’ve seen guys who’re good with women, they’re not prancing around with girls hanging off their arm, they’re simply acting shameless. Guys who’re good with women may make-out with a dozen girls in a night or chat up every girl in a venue; however, they aren’t doing it to “raise their value.” They do it because they’re unabashed playboys!
While it is helpful to walk up to girls as if women already love you, you should turn that attitude off as soon as you can. Nothing is worse than dealing with a delusional person. No woman wants to date some cocky deuce who believes every woman wants to jump on his dick. Putting on the “all girls want me so get in line” act is a horrible way to interact with people. Rather than trying to “raise your value,” try to raise your humanness.
Always Be Closing – Telling a newbie guy he needs to go for the number, the make-out, or the pull of every girl he talks to is helpful – until he can actually do it. Once a guy knows he can get a number, knows he can get a make-out, or knows he can get a girl home, there’s no need to feel a compulsion to “close” every girl you talk to.
Unless you’re severely desperate or insecure, why would you feel you need to possess every girl in every situation? This was a huge realization for me, as I had to recognize my own community “brainwashing.” For some time, I judged the success of every date I went on, every night I went out, and every number I took by the “closer” mentality. If a girl was in front of me, I had to close her.
Ultimately, that thinking became destructive and made me much too outcome-oriented. I could never genuinely enjoy myself or “let my guard down.” It was simply close, close, close. Thinking like that will not only inhibit your authenticity with women, it’ll also inhibit your overall happiness.
Trust me: no guy can close every girl. And even if you could, it wouldn’t make you any happier. In fact, it’d actually take the excitement, unpredictability, and fun out of dating. Once I got over my delusional ego, I realized dating is more about truth than it is closing. I’d rather uncover the truth of whether me and a girl are compatible instead of merely closing every cute girl I see.
In conclusion, I’m not condemning these mindsets or suggesting they aren’t helpful in context. Although, I’ve found they can be detrimental to keeping girls in the long term. Regardless of method, mentality, or system, everyone puts on an act when trying to attract the opposite sex. It’s simply human nature to want to appear cool and attractive to people. Things I talk about with my girlfriend of 4 months are not things I’d talk about with girls I just met.
However, eventually the charade ends and people get real. While I’ve found you shouldn’t drop all your attractive behavior, the mindsets mentioned above should be mitigated if you want to keep the girls you REALLY want to date.
About Rob J. Rob J. is a writer and dating instructor in New York City. Themes that resonate in both his teaching and writing are masculinity, genuineness, rational self-interest, and general awesomeness.