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The Frat Life: The Contest

There’s Plenty Of Fun To Be Had From Having No Fun At All

For those of you who put off studying at night in favor of getting high and watching sitcom reruns, I’ve got quite the contest for you. In fact, some might call it “The Contest.”

This could be you!
This could be you!

“The Contest” is a Seinfeld episode in which the main characters make a four-way bet to see who can go the longest without masturbating; it is considered to be one of the best Seinfeld episodes ever produced. Back during my senior year, I decided to recreate “The Contest” within my fraternity (and I implore you to do the same within your group of guy friends). Since there was no way anyone was going to pony up money, I placed some goodies on the table – with my job at the Daily Cal, I got freebies all the time.

So with a collection of Trojan condoms and Seymore Butt’s book up for grabs, we got underway. I broke the group into two categories – people with girlfriends and people who were single – for obvious reasons. I ended up not keep tracking of the girlfriend group since that could potentially take an extremely long time.

Wanting to live the life of a gonzo journalist, I decided to partake in “The Contest” myself, but precluded myself from being eligible to win any of the prizes.

On either the morning of the third or fourth day, I woke up and almost immediately starting to polish my whistle while in a state of grogginess. About 30 seconds into it, I came to the shocking realization that I was in the middle of “The Contest.” In a spat of frustration, I dropped my stick. To get my mind thinking about something else as fast as possible, I headed to the bathroom to take a shower. It was then that the strangest thing happened to me.

As I went to turn the door knob of my bedroom I was overcome with a wave of anger. There was this invisible barrier that kept me from leaving the bedroom that I could not cross. So what did I do? I dropped my shower things and proceeded to beat my dick like it owed me money. To this day, I cannot fully express to you how much of a relief it was when the volcano finally erupted.

It wasn’t just me, other guys were going through the same thing. Most of them reported to me that they had an overall feeling of frustration. That frustration was compounded by the fact that they were unable to spank the monkey, which caused them to stress out. If there is one thing in the world that men have control over, it is their penises. Everything else in the world might be going wrong (e.g. some girl you were into ended up hooking up with another guy in your house, you have two papers bearing down on your ass, your football team suffers a collapse of epic proportions, etc.), but at the end of the day, you can count on junior being there for you.

Kramer knew that winning wasn't the most important thing
Kramer knew that winning wasn’t the most important thing

Not having the ability to go into their little man cave and enjoy a few minutes of peaceful bliss mixed in with a dash of ecstasy drove some guys bonkers. Within the first five days, the vast majority of the participants dropped out. The winner ended up having to hold out a good two and a half weeks. A lot of people actually had their money on the eventual winner since he had a strong Christian upbringing and I guess that somehow correlated to him resisting temptation. Oh, what religion does to men.

You should have seen the joy on the kid’s face when I gave him the go-ahead to have at it. Something tells me that “The Contest” isn’t going to become an annual tradition in my house.

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About Mustafa Shaikh Mustafa Shaikh is an aspiring writer living in Berkeley, CA. Not willing to give up his college days just yet, he lives only a few blocks away from his beloved campus. He hopes to write a best-seller within the next couple of years and live off the royalties of it for as long as possible.

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