How To Get A Girlfriend, Part Two
Part one is located here.
Back to the concept of selling yourself as a product. I look at each guy as a pyramid. There are three layers:
1. The Base: you. This is who you are. The car you drive, what you look like, your job, your social circle, your wrist watch. Growing up as a doctor, I always assumed I could hand my resume over to women and they’d be impressed. Girls don’t work that way. You could have all your ducks in a row in life, and still be unattractive. Yes, improve your base, but realize this is simply the foundation.
2. The middle: congruence. If you’re an asshole, own it. If you’re shy, don’t pretend you’re not. If you want multiple girlfriends, stop talking like you want exclusivity. Don’t let it affect you if you’re short. Congruence is part authenticity, part integrity, part ownership of who you are. Women have an outstanding ability to sense incongruity, and they’ll call you out about it at best, stop talking to you at worst.
3. The tip: game. It’s not enough to have a great lifestyle and a rich identity, nor is it enough to act congruently. You must then sell the product effectively, learn how to pitch yourself in a way that makes you attractive. As with any skill, this takes time, persistence, hard work and experimentation.
Realize that dating is to a large extent a numbers game. Yes, as your flow improves and you appear physically more attractive and seem more confident, you will find yourself with a greater selection of women to choose from. But finding that one unique girl who clicks with you and vice versa may take thousands approaches and dozens of dates.
There really is no more potent a tool at your disposal than being a charming mother fucker. Some dudes are just naturally charming, some radiate charm simply by the way they look.
For the rest of us, charm is a thing we must learn in order to get good with girls. I have actually studied it, practiced it, and watched how incredibly effective it is. I’ll break down this process of becoming charming, as I see it:
1. Observe and study charming people. With youtube, you can look up interviews and performances and rewatch segments until you discover trends. Some examples include young Marlon Brando, Colin Ferrell, Paul McCartney, Bill Clinton, Brad Pitt and Will Smith. Pay close attention to their eye contact, facial expression, tonality, body language, use of humor and smile.
2. Study yourself in the mirror, on video and in audio recordings. Try to recreate those charming qualities in your face, your energy and your voice. Then when you’ve got it, go out and practice it with women.
3. Be present and fully enjoy the moment. Time and again, one feature I notice among charmers is they seem to be engrossed in the moment, totally there, acting like the other person is the best thing since sliced bread. To be a charmer, you’re gonna need to learn how to be in your body and in the present moment, not stuck in your head or worrying about the past or future. The classic book The Power of Now by Tolle is a great place to start.
4. Glow with sexuality. There is a difference between force and power. Forcing your sexuality sometimes works, but it isn’t charming. Radiating your sexual energy with confidence and power is inherent to charm. To get to this point, you need to fully embrace your right and responsibility as a man to hit on women, to own your sexuality in spite of crap others may have put in your head all your life. Girls may sense this power in the way you talk about women, or in how you gaze at her lips and eyes as you speak to her, or the ease with which you touch her sensually. Most of this falls under inner game, though it is possible to act seductively in spite of a faulty belief system.
Those who understand texting realize it can be a way to establish intimacy, comfort and sexuality in a relationship. The end goal of text game is to cultivate a woman’s emotional investment in the interaction, such that she will look forward to meeting up with you.
Every woman has a baseline, and you can establish this through factors including: the time between your text and her reply, the length of her responses, the fun she’s having replying to you, and her use of punctuation and grammar. For instance, if she repeatedly takes hours to reply to you, her grammar is sloppy and her replies are brief, she’s not that invested. But if she replies immediately every time, constructs elaborate responses that demonstrate a willingness to share her feelings, and is trying to establish rapport, then she is more invested.
I have devised a five-point system which I call the Emotional Investment Scale (EIS) of text game. There are many ways to move a girl up the scale to higher levels, and when she’s at a 4 or 5, flaking will become less of an issue.
Level 1. Dead air. She doesn’t respond at all to you. Sometimes this means you creeped her out, sometimes she has a new boyfriend, sometimes she’s depressed. It’s pretty hard if not impossible to move up out of this level, so I tend to cut these numbers loose.
Level 2. Almost no investment. She replies with things like “lol” and “haha” after a couple hours have passed. She is putting nearly zero effort into the exchange, but isn’t quite dead air.
Level 3. Minimal investment. She does give longer replies, takes less time getting back to you, seems to be enjoying the exchange a little. Still, a high risk of flaking exists.
Level 4. Moderate investment. Her responses are lengthy and immediate, she qualifies herself to you as a potential mate/girlfriend, she complies with suggestions such as sending you a photo of herself. She seems very interested in meeting up.
Level 5. High investment. She re-initiates the exchange, she asks you out, she replies immediately to all your texts and fully complies.
Your goal with texting is to determine where she is at any moment on this scale, and to remain at or below that level, while using tools that get her into a state of greater investment. Once she is invested, then you invite her out.
Timing is very meaningful with texting. I usually suggest replying immediately to any text a girl sends you, because it encourages her to reply quickly. But it’s also important not to text her daily if you’re in the early phase of midgame. She should get the sense that you are busy with other shit and other women, and that you’ll re-initiate contact with her because a) you miss her, and b) you have carved out some time for her.
There is a raging debate about calling versus texting. Because I use my text exchanges to build intimacy and comfort, I rarely have a need to speak on the phone. Every guy and girl, however, has their own preferences.
For a full explanation of text game, visit puafieldguide.com and download my free ebook, Text Game Primer.
Every guy has his favorite date. I encourage you to experiment with different kinds, including coffee, movie, dinner and bar dates. Typically though, a date should be considered successful when the two of you are making out and/or becoming physically intimate, and either planning the second date or leaving for sex.
As such, I now only go on bar dates. Liquor loosens girls up and allows easier physical escalation. It is rare for me to go on a date during which I am not making out by the end.
This date begins at 9pm at a bar. Keep it low-investment for her, meaning don’t try to get her to drive an hour to come to your place when she could drive 15 minutes to a bar near her home. The bar should be intimate and not too loud, full of people but not packed, with positive energy. You want her to feel happy and sexual, without being distracted.
Ideally you should pick her up, though some girls are not comfortable with this and would prefer meeting you at the bar. Meet her, buy drinks, and find a dark booth in a corner to get cozy. You can keep physical contact to a minimum for the first half hour, but fairly soon you should be cuddling up with her, holding hands, resting your hand on her thigh and possibly kissing her. Stay in that one spot, or move her around the bar, but don’t bounce to another bar or restaurant if you can help it. If you create a bubble of intimacy in a dark corner, chances are unlikely her mood will be misdirected.
You may want a second round of drinks, but certainly by that point you should be intimate with her. If not, the date will probably fizzle out and she won’t be contacting you again. When you’re first getting your feet wet going on dates, I recommend you err on the side of being too aggressive. You will lose some girls as a result. That’s ok. With time, escalation on the date will become second nature and you can then ease off the aggressiveness and let it unfold more naturally. Adopt the mindset that she is there on the date to get laid.
You must break down any wall between you two, and there are a few ways to go about doing this:
1. People-watching. Ask her if she likes to watch people (she will say yes, since she’s a woman), then pull her next to you and start whispering in her ear teases about everyone else in the venue. Make up stories with her about who’s on a first date, and who works together and at what job, et cetera.
2. Palmistry. I use a simple routine in every interaction, and it involves placing her forearm in my lap as I read her palm. I have the full routine in my free ebook, Introductory Pick-Up, at puafieldguide.com.
3. Be blunt. Saying simply, “come here, you’re sitting too far away,” and pulling her in is often enough to break that barrier.
4. It goes without saying that if you two are looking at each other across a dinner table, then you will have an enormous barrier to get past. This is the worst scenario. If a girl expects you to take her out to dinner on a first date, let her know that’s maybe a second date thing, and insist on the bar date instead.
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About Dr. Evan Marlowe Evan Marlow is the dean and founder of Man School. You can visit at Manschool.cc