How To Get A Girlfriend
DISCLAIMER: Why do you want a girlfriend? Do you feel lacking inside, and hope a woman will complete you? Are you lonely and lost, and seek companionship and direction? Do you believe it’s the thing to do because all your friends are doing it?
Well, I’m about to spew my thoughts on how you can get yourself a fine woman, but I need to first provide a caveat. The function of a girl is not to complete you, the man. It is not her job to give you direction or alleviate your loneliness. And you are not obligated to have a girlfriend simply because it’s the “in” thing.
Ultimately, you must be a finished product who is clear about his identity, his mission in life and his purpose; women will then gravitate to you. Take responsibility for all this stuff, and never place any of it in her hands. She doesn’t want it.
And lastly, realize you have options: multiple girlfriends, monogamy, fuck buddies, friends with benefits, marriage. It’s not a simple choice between being alone and having a single exclusive girlfriend that inevitably ends in marriage (although the popular media and most women may have convinced you that these are your only two options).
Got it? Ok. Time to expand your reality.
There are 5 stages of a relationship, and each stage requires its own unique skill set.
Stage 1: Meeting the Girl
You might find her while out and about, or online, or while trolling for tail at the bar. The ability to consistently pick up women through cold approach can take months to years to acquire. It requires a combination of transforming yourself into an attractive potential mate (both inside and out), understanding social dynamics and knowing how to effectively spit game.
Stage 2: Midgame
Once you learn how to get phone numbers, actually converting those into dates can be an epic struggle.
Places like my hometown of Los Angeles are notoriously flaky, and it’s any wonder how people ever hook up. Midgame is the phase that occurs between getting her contact info and closing the deal. It includes text game and conducting yourself on the date so as to get her sexually aroused and emotionally invested.
Stage 3: Endgame
While the seduction may begin on day one, it ends when you are inside her. Endgame has its own set of hurdles to overcome.
Stage 4: Converting to a relationship
If you want repeat customers, then you need to satisfy them. Often, girls have several other options, so for them to want to continue seeing you means you need to fulfill their sexual and emotional needs and desires. You must be clear from the start what your intentions are with her, and seem capable of following through.
Stage 5: Maintaining the relationship
Though you may think you have the girl, your work is never over. She may be tempted to seek out other men, or may be preoccupied with other life matters, or simply become disinterested in dating you. It’s your job to keep the relationship fresh and stimulating.
A 2009 survey conducted by Match.com of people in committed relationships revealed the following stats about how people met each other:
36% at work and school
26% were set up by friends and family
17% met online
11% met at bars/club/events
Personally, I never date girls I work with, because if things go wrong, life becomes awkward to unbearable. But then, I have the ability to walk into the real world and bring into my life the women I desire. Personally, I like think these are the best 5 places to meet your girlfriend.
Most guys have neither the ability nor confidence to consistently pick up girls in social settings, and might likewise have difficulty with online game. Which leaves being set up on blind dates. Nothing wrong with that, but then you’ve placed yourself at the mercy of others.
So let’s accept that the majority of relationships are born out of blind dates and work/school. If you can find girls through these resources, good for you. Otherwise, I recommend you cultivate your online and cold approach skills.
When I got into the pick-up community at the age of 37, I had done not a single cold approach. All my girlfriends came from being set up, or them hitting on me. But I wanted more and better options, and so I spent the next 3 years working my ass off to understand and gain competency at CAPU.
It seems easy enough. Go to a bar, talk to a hot girl, get her number, take her out, make her your girlfriend.
Truth is, this sounds a lot easier than it is, for a variety of reasons. You have four main ways to fuck it up. Here they are in what I consider order of importance:
1. Inner game. This phrase, coined by the community, encompasses everything inside you that makes you attractive to women. It is pervasive in all you do, from your body language to texting to how you react to her tests. Confidence, assertiveness, detachment from outcome, being present, sexual energy, power and clarity … to name a few aspects. If any of these factors are lacking, girls are likely to move on to a man who has his shit together. Think of it as you out there selling a product. Do you fully embrace your product? Do you consider yourself a man worthy of the hottest, highest quality women on the planet, and are you willing to do what it takes to get them? Or have you erected hurdles between you and your success with women?
2. Physical attractiveness. Women like tall men with certain masculine features like a wide jaw and strong physique. Obesity, bad skin and balding are turn-offs. You may look too old or too young. You may not dress well. You may smell. Any of these things can send your results down the tubes. While you need to accept those parts of you that will never change, you must also do what you can to upgrade those areas that are correctable.
3. Logistics. If she lives an hour away or you have no car, then odds of dating her drop. You should always try to stack logistics in your favor such that dating becomes low investment for both of you. But sometimes there are factors beyond your control and you lose the girl.
4. Outer game. This term encompasses everything on the outside that makes you attractive to women. Technically, I would place physical attractiveness here, but aside from that, this would include charm, lines, ability to banter and vibe, and smoothness of physical escalation.
To gain competency at CAPU, you will need to invest no less than two nights a week, every week to begin with. You will need to hit the bars and clubs hard, figuring out why you’re not hooking the interactions or moving them forward. You will have to drop your ego and take careful notes of the limiting beliefs and excuses running around in your head. You must push yourself past any approach or social anxiety, to become a person who is comfortable and relaxed walking up to and chatting with any random hot girl in any situation.
There are many ways to approach a girl, but let’s focus on my favorite, the playful direct approach. Using this, you show your intent in a fun way, and almost always if you practice it enough times, it will hit.
Here are a few examples:
The Elbow Opener. Approach a girl and say with a smile, “Wow you have really cute elbows.” Typically she will laugh and look at her elbow. Follow this up with, “you probably get that all the time.” She will generally deny this, in which case you call her a liar and then tell her your name, ask for her name, and shake hands.
Dangerous Shoes. If she’s wearing dress shoes or boots, look at her feet and tell her, “Those shoes are dangerous. Pure evil.” Say it in a playful, flirty way, then move on to the name exchange.
Wrong altitude. If she’s a lot taller or shorter than you, say, “You’re cute, but you’re totally the wrong altitude for me.” Again, shake her hand and exchange names.
Once you’ve approached, you can either vibe (meaning, have casual conversation), or run a series of routines, or a little of both. For those who don’t know how to vibe or who run out of things to say, routines are extremely helpful.
Vibing could take up an entire article by itself, but I’ll summarize it by saying being good with women means being charming and seductive. It doesn’t mean making friendly chit-chat that leads nowhere.
Back to the concept of selling yourself as a product. I look at each guy as a pyramid. There are three layers:
1. The Base: you. This is who you are. The car you drive, what you look like, your job, your social circle, your wrist watch. Growing up as a doctor, I always assumed I could hand my resume over to women and they’d be impressed. Girls don’t work that way. You could have all your ducks in a row in life, and still be unattractive. Yes, improve your base, but realize this is simply the foundation.
2. The middle: congruence. If you’re an asshole, own it. If you’re shy, don’t pretend you’re not. If you want multiple girlfriends, stop talking like you want exclusivity. Don’t let it affect you if you’re short. Congruence is part authenticity, part integrity, part ownership of who you are. Women have an outstanding ability to sense incongruity, and they’ll call you out about it at best, stop talking to you at worst.
3. The tip: game. It’s not enough to have a great lifestyle and a rich identity, nor is it enough to act congruently. You must then sell the product effectively, learn how to pitch yourself in a way that makes you attractive. As with any skill, this takes time, persistence, hard work and experimentation.
Realize that dating is to a large extent a numbers game. Yes, as your flow improves and you appear physically more attractive and seem more confident, you will find yourself with a greater selection of women to choose from. But finding that one unique girl who clicks with you and vice versa may take thousands approaches and dozens of dates.
There really is no more potent a tool at your disposal than being a charming mother fucker. Some dudes are just naturally charming, some radiate charm simply by the way they look.
For the rest of us, charm is a thing we must learn in order to get good with girls. I have actually studied it, practiced it, and watched how incredibly effective it is.
I’ll break down this process of becoming charming, as I see it:
1. Observe and study charming people. With youtube, you can look up interviews and performances and rewatch segments until you discover trends. Some examples include young Marlon Brando, Colin Ferrell, Paul McCartney, Bill Clinton, Brad Pitt and Will Smith. Pay close attention to their eye contact, facial expression, tonality, body language, use of humor and smile.
2. Study yourself in the mirror, on video and in audio recordings. Try to recreate those charming qualities in your face, your energy and your voice. Then when you’ve got it, go out and practice it with women.
3. Be present and fully enjoy the moment. Time and again, one feature I notice among charmers is they seem to be engrossed in the moment, totally there, acting like the other person is the best thing since sliced bread. To be a charmer, you’re gonna need to learn how to be in your body and in the present moment, not stuck in your head or worrying about the past or future. The classic book The Power of Now by Tolle is a great place to start.
4. Glow with sexuality. There is a difference between force and power. Forcing your sexuality sometimes works, but it isn’t charming. Radiating your sexual energy with confidence and power is inherent to charm. To get to this point, you need to fully embrace your right and responsibility as a man to hit on women, to own your sexuality in spite of crap others may have put in your head all your life. Girls may sense this power in the way you talk about women, or in how you gaze at her lips and eyes as you speak to her, or the ease with which you touch her sensually. Most of this falls under inner game, though it is possible to act seductively in spite of a faulty belief system.
Those who understand texting realize it can be a way to establish intimacy, comfort and sexuality in a relationship. The end goal of text game is to cultivate a woman’s emotional investment in the interaction, such that she will look forward to meeting up with you.
Every woman has a baseline, and you can establish this through factors including: the time between your text and her reply, the length of her responses, the fun she’s having replying to you, and her use of punctuation and grammar. For instance, if she repeatedly takes hours to reply to you, her grammar is sloppy and her replies are brief, she’s not that invested. But if she replies immediately every time, constructs elaborate responses that demonstrate a willingness to share her feelings, and is trying to establish rapport, then she is more invested.
I have devised a five-point system which I call the Emotional Investment Scale (EIS) of text game. There are many ways to move a girl up the scale to higher levels, and when she’s at a 4 or 5, flaking will become less of an issue.
Level 1. Dead air. She doesn’t respond at all to you. Sometimes this means you creeped her out, sometimes she has a new boyfriend, sometimes she’s depressed. It’s pretty hard if not impossible to move up out of this level, so I tend to cut these numbers loose.
Level 2. Almost no investment. She replies with things like “lol” and “haha” after a couple hours have passed. She is putting nearly zero effort into the exchange, but isn’t quite dead air.
Level 3. Minimal investment. She does give longer replies, takes less time getting back to you, seems to be enjoying the exchange a little. Still, a high risk of flaking exists.
Level 4. Moderate investment. Her responses are lengthy and immediate, she qualifies herself to you as a potential mate/girlfriend, she complies with suggestions such as sending you a photo of herself. She seems very interested in meeting up.
Level 5. High investment. She re-initiates the exchange, she asks you out, she replies immediately to all your texts and fully complies.
Your goal with texting is to determine where she is at any moment on this scale, and to remain at or below that level, while using tools that get her into a state of greater investment. Once she is invested, then you invite her out.
Timing is very meaningful with texting. I usually suggest replying immediately to any text a girl sends you, because it encourages her to reply quickly. But it’s also important not to text her daily if you’re in the early phase of midgame. She should get the sense that you are busy with other shit and other women, and that you’ll re-initiate contact with her because a) you miss her, and b) you have carved out some time for her.
There is a raging debate about calling versus texting. Because I use my text exchanges to build intimacy and comfort, I rarely have a need to speak on the phone. Every guy and girl, however, has their own preferences.
Every guy has his favorite date locations. I encourage you to experiment with different kinds, including coffee, movie, dinner and bar dates. Typically though, a date should be considered successful when the two of you are making out and/or becoming physically intimate, and either planning the second date or leaving for sex.
As such, I now only go on bar dates. Liquor loosens girls up and allows easier physical escalation. It is rare for me to go on a date during which I am not making out by the end.
This date begins at 9pm at a bar. Keep it low-investment for her, meaning don’t try to get her to drive an hour to come to your place when she could drive 15 minutes to a bar near her home. The bar should be intimate and not too loud, full of people but not packed, with positive energy. You want her to feel happy and sexual, without being distracted.
Ideally you should pick her up, though some girls are not comfortable with this and would prefer meeting you at the bar. Meet her, buy drinks, and find a dark booth in a corner to get cozy.
You can keep physical contact to a minimum for the first half hour, but fairly soon you should be cuddling up with her, holding hands, resting your hand on her thigh and possibly kissing her.
Stay in that one spot, or move her around the bar, but don’t bounce to another bar or restaurant if you can help it. If you create a bubble of intimacy in a dark corner, chances are unlikely her mood will be misdirected.
You may want a second round of drinks, but certainly by that point you should be intimate with her. If not, the date will probably fizzle out and she won’t be contacting you again.
When you’re first getting your feet wet going on dates, I recommend you err on the side of being too aggressive. You will lose some girls as a result. That’s ok. With time, escalation on the date will become second nature and you can then ease off the aggressiveness and let it unfold more naturally. Adopt the mindset that she is there on the date to get laid.
You must break down any wall between you two, and there are a few ways to go about doing this:
1. People-watching. Ask her if she likes to watch people (she will say yes, since she’s a woman), then pull her next to you and start whispering in her ear teases about everyone else in the venue. Make up stories with her about who’s on a first date, and who works together and at what job, et cetera.
2. Palmistry. I use a simple routine in every interaction, and it involves placing her forearm in my lap as I read her palm.
3. Be blunt. Saying simply, “come here, you’re sitting too far away,” and pulling her in is often enough to break that barrier.
4. It goes without saying that if you two are looking at each other across a dinner table, then you will have an enormous barrier to get past. This is the worst scenario. If a girl expects you to take her out to dinner on a first date, let her know that’s maybe a second date thing, and insist on the bar date instead.
Essentially, these two balance one another.
If you are overly romantic without being sexual, you can seem needy.
If you act sexually without romance, then she’ll think you’re just after her booty. The key then is to find a harmony of romance and sexuality, such that she is turned on in her heart, her mind and her lady parts.
Sexuality can be conveyed in many ways, including charm, physical escalation and dirty talk. One thing I should point out is girls need a lot more nuance than guys do when it comes to talking naughty. Making suggestions about what you would do to her, and then letting her use her imagination, is far superior to spelling it out in explicit detail. As a guy, you may think that being explicit is a turn-on, but generally that only works when she’s already wet.
Romance is a complex art, and must be carried out just right if it’s gonna work. Here are a few of the many defining features of romance:
1. Be attentive to details. Remember and notice things that are important to her. Listen closely to her.
2. Gestures. Often if you simply state to a woman what your intention or desire is, that gesture suffices as romantic. For example, opening a door is an effortless task, but that gesture symbolizes your desire to serve her.
3. Us against the world. You and she form a union, and no matter what the world may throw at you, that bond is unbreakable. Along these lines is the concept of conspiracy: scheming up a plan where you two are doing some playful misbehavior as a pair. A great way to implement this is by people-watching with her.
4. The bubble. This is the sense that when you are with her, everything else in the world melts away. There is nothing more important than you and her in that moment.
5. The element of surprise. This one is huge. Give her gifts unexpectedly. They don’t need to be expensive, just thoughtful. Likewise, random texts showing you’re thinking about her will work.
6. Security. She knows you will be there to take care of her, to hold her and protect her. Even if you can’t be there, she needs to have the feeling that this is your desire and intent.
7. Compromise and sacrifice. Girls appreciate when you sacrifice your time and energy for them. Seeing some awful chick flick that she’s dying to watch – that is a romantic gesture. Be there for her, do nice things for her, but don’t overdo it. Don’t be a guy who will drop everything at a moment’s notice, or inconvenience himself tremendously, for her every whim.
8. Chivalry. A subset of sacrifice is chivalry, being of service to women. Examples include offering your seat to a girl on a bus, pulling her chair out at the dinner table, and rescuing her (such as when you show up at her work and kidnap her for the day).
9. The awwww factor. Things that make a girl say, “awwww.” Leaving rose petals on her pillow, teddy bears, fluffy puppy dogs. Many of the things that make men vomit.
10. Just because. Do things for her “just because.” You appreciate her; that’s the reason why you’re doing it. Let her know you’re glad she’s in your life, which is itself enough of a motivator for you. You expect nothing in return.
Seduction begins at hello. Sure, you can try being friends first and this will sometimes work. But the surest way to ultimately seduce a girl is to lay the foundation of seduction from the start.
Being seductive encompasses how you move, act and speak. Gestures are typically slow, tonality is deep and volume is low.
Think “bedroom voice.” Eye contact is confident.
Sex happens not typically out of the blue for women, but as a result of hours of being turned on emotionally. Unlike men, who get aroused in a linear fashion, women require ups and downs. Giving attention, then withholding it.
Making her guess about your intentions, teasing her, amping things up sexually and then letting her chase.
Girls who are attracted to you will test your resolve. These may be subtle like trying to cast you as a player, or they may be clear like not responding to your texts for a few days. Though it can be frustrating to deal with, this is a good thing. She likes you, so plow on.
When it comes time to close the deal, you may get the greatest amount of resistance. Guys have little to lose from sleeping around, from an evolutionary standpoint; they are programmed to spread their seed. Women, however, are programmed to be highly selective since they risk not only nine months of pregnancy, but then raising the child.
On top of this, girls are always concerned about picking up diseases, or losing the guys who just want to hit it and quit it, or attracting dudes who get super-clingy after sex, or the stigma of being considered loose.
Naturally then, girls will screen out guys who are high-risk, clingers, losers and betas. Expect tests and resistance, and react to it with persistence but emotional indifference. Do not become logical, do not argue about why she won’t put out, do not give up at the slightest obstacle.
Girls love assertiveness and dominance, especially when it’s emotionally and socially intelligent.
A huge issue that undermines female liberation is the fear of being seen as a slut. Men may not realize how powerful this fear is, but it is ever-present among women.
Never make any comments that cast yourself as judgmental, on sex or any other issue. Always take full responsibility for sex; you are the one doing the pursuing, she is free from blame if sex happens, and in the end one thing lead to another. If she says, “we’re not having sex tonight,” then you probably are having sex, but she doesn’t want you to think she’s a slut.
Most times, you will need to work out the logistics such that the two of you can be alone. You don’t need a bedroom, but have some plan that includes a car, a hotel room or even a park.
Every girl is different when it comes to level of comfort having sex in strange and awkward places. Some love it, some don’t. When in doubt, find a way to bring her to your or her place when nobody else will be around.
The escalation to sex includes getting her aroused from kissing, playing with her and touching other erogenous zones. Be aware that each girl requires her own speed and manner of escalation. Some won’t kiss but will have sex.
Some will resist until you find that one sweet spot (could be the neck, the knee, the breast), and then the flood gates open for you. Many girls require verbal stimulation. Some won’t get undressed until they see a condom, though they won’t openly admit this.
Have a rubber at hand at all times, in your car and wallet, and stashed somewhere you can get to immediately. Sometimes spending as much as 30 seconds looking for a rubber is enough to break her mood and cause her to back out of the seduction.
Many men, surprisingly, do not have an adequate knowledge of female anatomy or orgasm. There are two main areas you need to be aware of: the clitoris and the G spot. Both are easy to find, although many men have trouble. Read up about them in books or online.
Though men are conditioned to believe their only choice is monogamy that culminates in marriage, this is not the reality. You have many options of relationships, and if you set the terms, you can ultimately find girls who will accept them.
If you lack willingness or capability in maintaining a monogamous relationship, then don’t market yourself as such.
Have integrity and be clear about what you expect from women. They will respect you for this.
For our purposes, however, let’s assume you want a single exclusive relationship. You have dated dozens or even hundreds of women, and finally after much searching, The One has come along. It’s time to get out of the game and invest all your resources in this girl.
Keeping that girl means satisfying her. You need to be there for her emotionally and please her sexually. You must be a source of both tranquility and excitement. She needs to be able to relax as a woman, trusting you will be there for her as a man.
One of the most quoted books on the subject is David Deida’s The Way of the Superior Man. Get it, read it, practice it. Aside from understanding male-female relationship dynamics, broaden your understanding of female sexuality. There are tons of books on the market on this subject, and I recommend those by Lou Paget.
Some of the things that will keep girls coming back for more:
1. Authenticity. You say what you mean and your actions are in alignment with your beliefs.
2. Clarity. When you speak, it is apparent you know what you want and expect.
3. Romance. You remain inventive, spontaneous and passionate.
4. Her friends and family. You get along with those who are important to her.
5. Jealousy. You trust she’ll remain loyal, and don’t make an issue out of her having platonic men in her life.
6. Openness. You express your feelings and don’t stifle them or sugar-coat them.
7. Relationship goals. The two of you are on the same page as far as where things are heading, and are open to discussing the terms if needed.
8. Sexual fulfillment. She has lots of great orgasms, and you keep her in a state of arousal when you’re around.
I never said getting a girlfriend would be easy or simple. For some, it is. And certainly, you may have found yourself stumbling from one relationship to another though without having actual choice, the victim of who’s in your class, at your job, or on the blind date.
You may have also found that when you don’t have your shit figured out, great women may give you a chance, but don’t tend to stick around long. The dating market is fierce for guys, and women are often bombarded with propositions weekly, if not daily.
To get that one special girl who really pushes all your buttons, you need to give her every reason to date you. The resources are out there to learn how.
Now go get her.
About Dr. Evan Marlowe Evan Marlow is the dean and founder of Man School. You can visit at Manschool.cc