How to Handle Rejection
I’ll admit it.
I once cried when I got rejected by an attractive woman. I’m not going to justify it. I’m not going to defend it. I’m not even going to say I learned from it. I’m just going to say that once I wanted to meet a woman, she did not want to meet me, and I ended up in a bathroom, crying.
And as much as no one wants to admit it, every guy has a similar story.
Maybe your story doesn’t involve tears. And maybe—probably—your story is cooler than mine. But every man has felt the cold sting of rejection.
And most of us guys feel it every day.
In fact, if you haven’t felt the cold sting of rejection lately, you’re probably not living your life the way you should.
I’m not big into “re-framing” things or getting all self-help on your ass. Anyone who reads my articles with any kind of regularity knows I call it as I see it.
As such, I’m going to describe my views on “rejection.”
I once thought like the masses, seeing rejection as a symptom of being a loser. Who knows where I got that idea…tv? movies? conventional wisdom?
Regardless, if I saw or heard about someone getting rejected, I’d get up on my high horse and disregard that “loser” with a condescending chuckle.
This is how most people regard rejection.
Although, when I started to really examine success and I began aligning myself with successful people, I realized rejection isn’t a symptom of being a loser at all.
When I’d hang around guys who had massive success with women, success in business, and success other areas, I didn’t see an untarnished record of flawless victory; instead, I mostly saw strings of rejection and failure punctuated by the occasional success.
Moreover, as I looked at the people who were mediocre, I noticed the only common “symptom” was getting up on a high horse and disregarding other people’s attempts at success with a condescending chuckle (just like I used to do).
Once I started chasing the sweet nectar of success for myself, I realized rejection isn’t funny—it’s necessary.
It’s the stepping stone to success.
Sure “the masses” think otherwise, and that’s exactly why they’re the “masses.” They’re average and so they don’t understand the lifestyle that defines the successful.
Surmised in a sentence, rejection is an outgrowth of awesome.
Everyone reading this article wants more success.
Success is like oxygen, everyone can agree it’s amazing and life-affirming.
Yet, most people don’t want to accept success’s dark Siamese twin: REJECTION. Literally, you can’t have one without the other. No successful person just breezes through their journey to mastery with a scorecard of epic wins.
The journey to mastery is riddled with failure and rejection.
In fact, it’s mostly failure and rejection. If you really want success—and you’re not just another person who says they want success but never takes serious action—then your only option is to learn to accept rejection.
I’m not saying you have to enjoy it.
I’m not saying you have to go out of your way to find it.
I’m not even saying you have to expect it.
But when it happens, accept it. Every successful person I’ve ever met is indifferent to rejection—some even think it’s funny or mildly entertaining.
But all accept it for what it is: an outgrowth of awesome.
Fear of rejection prevents most guys from enjoying an exciting love life.
This one fear is so great that men would rather accept a life of mediocrity rather than face the specter of rejection. Even guys who do approach women or take risks often still seek to avoid the discomfort of getting told “no.”
We could speculate on what psychological factors smolder that anxiety—but who really cares?
Philosophizing about rejection doesn’t make it any less real or any less scary. It forever looms every time we pursue something we want.
Indeed, rejection is tied to our desires. If we weren’t desirous, we couldn’t be rejected. Our want is our vulnerability. And so, whenever emotions are involved, we’re susceptible to the fear of rejection.
As such, it’s not realistic try to smother your passion or fake your disinterest.
You can’t short-circuit your emotions with logic; you can, however, reprogram them with your mindset. If you understandrejection differently, you’ll feel completely different about it…
Most guys believe “great game” is sailing through a pickup, date, or interaction with a woman “rejection-free.”
Most guys image that the opening line should captivate a woman, that every request or proposal the man makes should be immediately accepted, that the first kiss should be a “magic moment,” and that getting a woman home is a simple as saying, “Let’s get out of here.”
In this imagined fantasy questions are never raised, objections never happen, and friction never rears its frictitous head.
This sort of thinking comes out of the tradition of counting “IOIs” (Indicators of Interest) and carefully “planning” your every move.
While this brand thinking works great in Hollywood movies and on keyboard jockey forums, real life is never this seamless.
In fact, if you ever have an interaction that progresses “perfectly,” you probably did something wrong! Whether it was waiting too long for the kiss, not proposing going back to your place soon enough, or just chatting with her in a neutered way, doing it perfectly means doing it wrong.
With that, rejection shouldn’t be seen as a dead end or a “no.” Instead, it’s a signpost indicating that you’re moving toward success! If sounds outrageous, let me explain…
As ridiculous as it may seem, the formula for success with women goes something like this:
Rejection + She Doesn’t Leave = Road to Success
This may seem counter-intuitive, but think about it.
If you’re getting “reject” it means you’re doing what you want—doing what you desire.
If you’ve made your intent clear, and she chooses to stay (whether it’s on a date, in a conversation, etc.), then you have to assume you’re on the road to success. She’s not saying no—she’s saying not yet.
When you encounter rejection, you’re simply encountering a form of sexual communication that passes between a man and a woman. It’s her job to say not yet and it’s your job to be cool with it and not get butt-hurt.
“Rejection”—as most interpret it—usually sends a man’s confidence into a tailspin and sinks his emotional state.
Once a woman sees that, she’ll instantly know that man don’t “speak” the language of sexual communication. Any guy who lets rejection bother him I a man who hasn’t interacted with many women in the real world.
My advice is intended for guys who actually interact with women—not guys who “theorize” on what it might be like to interact with women.
As such, much of my real-world advice contradicts how dating is portrayed in the media or armchair pontificators. If you want to believe you can careen through your dating life rejection-free, don’t read my column.
Go watch The Notebook.
But if you’re serious about learning how to communicate with women in an attractive way, change your view of rejection.
This one mindset shift revolutionized my dating success.
Rather than seeing rejection as a reflection of my inadequacy, I accepted it as a necessary part of attracting women.
That was when I stopped fearing rejection and started welcoming it.
And, accordingly, I was able to relate to women in a whole other level—a sexual level.
Perfection is wrong; rejection is right.
Alright, so this all sounds nice and philosophical, but how is this little piece of mind-candy going to change how you interact with women?
Understanding and accepting this tenet will subtly shift the way you see the world, but this shift will separate you from every other guy.
You’ll stop trying to avoid rejection, and instead view it as an indication that you’re on the right path.
Think back to the last time you hesitated before doing something awesome because you feared rejection. Maybe you stopped short of approaching a hot woman, maybe you talked yourself out of making a move on a date, or maybe you did something that I could never name, but only you really know. Yeah, that’s right—I’m talking about that time.
Sorry to be blunt, but every time you chicken out of doing something because you fear rejection, you’re exhibiting the symptoms of a loser.
Only losers live their lives on a high horse of “no rejections.”
In fact, often my benchmark for discerning whether or not a guy sucks with women is if he “brags” about how great he is with women.
Having had beers and long conversations with some of the best guys in this industry—Sinn, 60 Years of Challenge, Mark Manson, Paul Janka, Bobby Rio, and Zack Bauer—I can assure you our conversations are less about our amazing successes, and more about our hilarious failures.
Rejection and failure paved my way so that I’m writing these words to you.
I’ve been condescendingly chuckled at by plenty of people along the way, but I look back at it all with calm indifference.
I don’t love rejection, but I accept it.
It’s how I separated myself from the masses.
Here is another article related to the subject: https://www.tsbmag.com/2013/11/25/what-to-do-after-she-rejects-you/
About Rob J. Rob J. is a writer and dating instructor in New York City. Themes that resonate in both his teaching and writing are masculinity, genuineness, rational self-interest, and general awesomeness.