Relationship After Sex: How To Do It
Recently I’ve been getting a lot of questions like, “How do I get into a relationship with a girl I’ve slept with?” Originally, I thought the question was pretty stupid. Everyone knows that sleeping with a girl for the first time is hard, and everything after is usually much easier. If you can figure out how to get her in bed, you can figure out how to keep her around as your girlfriend, as someone you’re “seeing,” or even as a “fuck buddy.”
My attitude changed, however, when I found myself in a similar situation. A week ago I slept with a girl I’d just met—a girl I really liked. Everything went smoothly until after we had sex. That’s when she started getting a bit weird. She insisted on sleeping back at her place, seemed standoffish after sex, and then gave me half-assed responses the next morning on text.
I found myself asking: How am I going to transition this into a relationship? And that’s when I realized that this is a question that deserves some attention. Luckily, I was able to answer that question, and I can tell you how to answer it, too.
Once you sleep with a girl, lots of thoughts are swirling through her head. Some of those thoughts are good, others bad. She probably feels excited, satisfied, a bit guilty, somewhat insecure, and all the other feelings girls (and people) experience after sex. Most of all, she’s probably wondering how your behavior is going to change.
Once you have sex with a girl, she knows the “game” is pretty much over. Most guys act charming up until they have sex, then they transform into not-so-charming introverts who are no longer very interested in her. If you have any girl friends, you’ve probably heard their woes about such guys.
And most likely the girl you just had sex with probably has had (or at least has heard about) a similar experience. Even if you are interested in her, and you’re showing it, she might still act cold or closed-off from you. Past events—or even stories she’s heard about other guys—has made her suspicious of you, even if you did nothing to warrant that suspicion.
As such, whenever you sleep with a girl for the first time, you should expect some skepticism.
To allay her fears, it’s very important you stay in contact with her the next day. Most guys try to “play it cool” and not contact a girl they slept with for a few days. This is completely wrong. Like I said before: the game is pretty much over now. She’s made a major investment in you, so you don’t need to keep “gaming” her.
Instead, you need to show her that your feelings haven’t changed since sex. That’s why it’s crucial you spend some time with her the next day. For me, I find it’s best to keep the next-day meet up short, but sweet. I usually tell girls that I have some stuff to do later, but I really want to grab dinner or a drink with them.
This “short date” accomplishes a lot of things. It gives you a chance to enjoy her company without the prospect of sex. Also, since you can’t have sex after the date, she sees that you actually want to see her again—even if it’s not for sex. This is a key element when developing a relationship.
It’s not always that easy, however. Sometimes girls will actively avoid you the next day, not returning texts or calls. And when that happens, this is one case where it’s okay to come across a bit “needy.” Keep in mind: you already had sex with her. So there’s nothing “needy” about following up (even somewhat aggressively) with a girl you’ve already slept with.
Unfortunately, a brutal truth of dating is this: if she won’t meet up with you the day after sex, she’s probably never going to meet up with you again. Therefore, if you want any sort of a relationship with this girl, it’s very important to get in contact with her the next day. Don’t try to “play it cool.” Unless she gives you a valid reason for not being able to talk to you the next day, do whatever you can to contact her and (ideally) meet up with her.
Once she sees that you’re normal after sex, and that the charm you exerted to get her in the sack was genuine, getting into a relationship with her will be simple. Remember: relationships after sex are based on rapport and connection, not attraction and “game.”
So, in my case, when I texted my new lady friend and wasn’t giving me much of a response, I called her. When it went to voicemail, I went to the gym, and then called her again. She picked up this time, but said she was in a rush. I said I was in a rush, too, but I wanted to meet her for sushi later that evening. She agreed, but reluctantly, as she probably feared things would be awkward or weird.
Luckily, however, from the moment we met, things were totally normal. I was happy to see her, and she quickly warmed back up to me. We shared a great meal together, and, more importantly, we set ourselves up for a future relationship together. Whether that relationship becomes exclusive, casual, long-term, or short-term is still to be decided. But it’s nice to know that I am able to keep around quality girls I genuinely like.
And so can you, if you just keep these simple principles in mind.
>>To Learn More From Rob, Check Out “The 4 Elements of Game” where he breaks down game into four simple adjustments.
About Rob J. Rob J. is a writer and dating instructor in New York City. Themes that resonate in both his teaching and writing are masculinity, genuineness, rational self-interest, and general awesomeness.