Are You A Christian Or A Nick, Part 2: The Remedy
Find out whether you’re a Christian or a Nick with part one.
Ever notice that dating advice comes in a one-size-fits-all model?
‘This product/service will fix everything for everyone!!!’
&The industry secret, which I suppose isn’t so secret anymore, is that a product or service reflects the person putting it out there as much as the target audience, if not moreso. Because any given coach’s ‘system’ perfectly works on them, it’s a common mistake to assume that it’s the perfect system.
You have no idea how often my friend and business partner Christian Hudson and I butted heads over what we should teach and what would be most effective for guys. It also shouldn’t come as a surprise that the stuff I wanted to teach was more effective with the “Nicks” I was working with and less effective with the “Christians”; and when it came to the material Christian favored, it wasn’t shocking to find that the adverse was true.
Luckily, you’re the beneficiary of our ‘Frankenstein’ of an alliance.
Working with Christians was always easy for me. As I referred to in part one, most people have a lot to say already, even if they don’t think they do. Also, the shared knowledge of the dating advice industry up to this point has been geared toward introverts so I had the guys subconscious knowledge helping me a ton as well.
Typically all I would have to do was give them a good push, a few opening lines that I pulled out of my ass, and solid example of my extroversion to inspire a Christian to action. Once he’d let himself go, he’d be so surprised by the reactions he got that he’d be in a euphoric state, exploring worlds of socializing he never know existed – always beautiful.
Nowadays, I’m still doing the above of course, be we’ve also developed a more complete list of things to say – both to eliminate the ‘I didn’t know what to say’ excuse Christians commonly have, and to aid those rare cases that haven’t been raised in our TV and movie culture and may not understand some cultural examples of humor or relating. We also employ beliefs work to alter those “not good enough” beliefs common to Christians.
Plenty of times a Christian will receive this kick of confidence and skills and be off to the races. Given conventional wisdom that’s out there however, there’s still a good chance they’ll turn into a Nick.
As counter-intuitive as it sounds, working with Nicks wasn’t as easy for me. If you’re guessing it’s because I hadn’t been able to completely “fix” myself yet you’d probably be right. Even once I started getting good with girls it still took me considerable time to figure out exactly what I was doing right, and even though most guys would be more than happy with my consistency, the fact that I couldn’t figure out what I was doing wrong those times I was “off” still drove me batshit crazy. The fact that there were still guys who I couldn’t diagnose drove me even crazier.
Hundreds of clients worked with, thousands of interacts watched later and I finally realized what was happening. This knowledge, after being tempered by client after client, was finally laid down in Fearless.
In as extreme of a nutshell as I can make it, though, the main thing a Nick has to focus on is what I call the conception of connection, the beginning of intimacy. Despite what we may have been told, that moment is not right after we say something and she loves it.
The conception of connection is the moment right after she finishes saying whatever it is she just said. Most Nicks will be so anxious to say something, and put so much pressure on what they have to say next, that in that moment we break eye contact almost immediately as our mind races to find that line that’s going to win her heart.
It’s because of this reaction that she’ll feel like we’re not listening and only waiting for our turn to talk, because that’s exactly what’s happening (Damn you female intuition!!! ;-). When this happens, it doesn’t matter how clever, funny, or charming the next thing you have to say is, you’ve already blown any chance you ever had with her before you ever opened your mouth.
Although every impulse in our body is pushing us to run our mouths to quiet the anxiety we’re feeling at the conception of connection, the skill we need to be “successful” here is not talking, it’s listening – the most important communications skill that is the most undervalued by men.
After she finishes saying whatever it is she’s going to say, your focus needs to shift from worrying about what to say next, to three simple things:
– Hold eye contact (most important)
– Facially express the emotion that her words inspired in you. For example, if she said that her pet died, you had better look as though your pet just died. Christians struggle more so with this one.
– Buffer: a verbal expression of the feelings her words just inspired in you that requires no additional thought or effort, but is merely an automatic reflex reaction. Example: you tell a child something cool and their face lights up and they say, “WOW!”.
You essentially have to re-kindle that childlike fascination with everyone and everything, and treating others like they’re the star of the show. Instead of trying to be the star yourself, you become their biggest fan and thus make them feel like the star – what every girl wants anyway.
Of course, once we get both Christians and Nicks over their respective humps and they start consistently getting great reactions from women, then it’s always time to start pushing their physical and emotional escalation to the extremes – but this is the most fun part of the weekend, and the most fun for any guy to work on as well.
In order to enjoy the privilege of escalation, however, you first have to first break yourself out of the rut life’s dug for you, whether you’re a Christian or a Nick, start making yourself heard, or shutting up for once ;-).
As this industry matures, the only things that are limited are your excuses. Whatever your path, good luck on it, and let us know if you want a hand.
Click Here to Get Nick’s 35 Page “Becoming Fearless” Free report. Learn the six signs of fear that cause her female intuition to shut you out, and what to do instead.
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About Nick Sparks Nick Sparks is a professional social and dating coach located in the New York area. His specialties include building genuine and lasting confidence, removing barriers of fear and self doubt in the face of women and social situations, and helping men gain self acceptance and power through unleashing of their sexuality. He's taught hundreds of clients to become genuinely confident, fearless and charming since 2008, and is known for his direct, highly sexual style of game Check out Sparks of Attraction.